All You Need is Love

My life, primarily in my brain, goes through this cycle. Simplicity, a little less simple, complicated, frustrating, back to simplicity. I have come to realize that one of my core convictions is simplicity. I believe that life with God is simple. I also believe that God is far beyond what my brain can comprehend, his power is greater than anything I can fathom, his knowledge is far beyond anything my human brain could ever withstand, and life with Him is often beyond words. I do not believe life with God is easy, but I do believe it is simple.

God made my brain. He made me human. He made following Him something that would work with all those considerations. I like to overestimate my ability to comprehend with my human brain and then I end up in a whirlwind of assumption and question, but really God made things quite simple.

All you need is love. God is love. I need God. God loves me. I am saved. God loves others, when I love others I'm loving God. So simple it makes my head spin.

This morning I was reading in Hebrews 6 and I got stuck in two verses where I just couldn't get over the simplicity. Follow my train of thought for a minute. "Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God's promises because of their faith and endurance."

Love is the end-all. It all started with God's love for me. That's why Jesus came. Now God says we are to love Him and love others and if we do that we will fulfill the law, or basically, we will live the life God desires for us. So these verses...

How do I know that my hope is not in vain? "Keep on loving others...in order to make certin that what you hope for will come true."
I fear becoming spiritually dull or living a mediocre life. "Keep on loving others...Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent."
I want to imitate those who have faith and patience and inherit God's promises, but how do I get from here to there? "Keep on loving others...you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God's promises because of their faith and endurance."

So let's review. Loving others => hope fulfilled, being spiritually alive, living with faith and endurance, seeing God's promises fulfilled.

It's so simple! Love people. You want to follow God, you want to live the life He has for you which by the way is filled with hope and is for your good (Jer 29:11), then LOVE PEOPLE. That's it. Love God and love people. Simple, so so simple.

And one last note. There is the danger of complicating love. What is love really? How do we really love people? What does it really look like? etc. etc. etc. But I would bet that loving is far more simple than we'd like to believe. Let's try not to over complicate it.

Titles

Just a quick note on the name change. For years now my blog has been titled "The Illiterate Scholar." I started the blog right before I moved to Japan. Having just finished college and headed to a place where I would essentially be illiterate was why that name came to be. I've been back for some time now and the name seemed a bit odd to me at this point so I decided to change it.

"Expecting the Impossible." I've always loved the verse in Ephesians 3:19 that says that God is able to do far more abundantly that we can even imagine. In my life I watched that be true over and over. At this point of the journey there is no turning back, each day lived would be an utter failure if it weren't for God's power and ability to sustain and care for me. I took on a foster son who I've now adopted with an expectation that God would have to do the impossible to make it all work.

I am expecting the impossible because God is able, God is love, and in this life and world the impossible is necessary, it's where there is hope.

quick update

I came here to write about a little epiphany I had. I looked at the blog and realized I haven't written in over a year! To me that's a clear picture of how quickly time passes, and reminds me of how very much had happened in the last year. I won't go back to fill in all the details or share all the lessons learned, there is simply far too much. Not to mention, some of the reasons why I didn't write before are the same as why I won't now, too much, too complicated, too difficult, still processing and unable to articulate... Maybe some day I will be able to share all the lessons learned in the last year but right I will give you a wee little nutshell of what's gone on.

First and most importantly, I am finishing the adoptions process for Micah. As of June 23rd I will officially be his mom for forever! I am very excited about this. It has been a journey like no other and this is not the end of it :) That is both an exciting fact and a bit daunting, but I'll focus on the exciting part and trust that God will continue to take care of us just as He has been doing. Hmm, I will leave it at that. There is so much more to this part of my life, and such much more to this journey, but for now I will leave it unsaid.

Also, in the last year my friends and I started a Bible Study/Church plant. We have seen God do amazing things and it has also been extremely challenging. That seems to be how life goes.

God has been teaching me about being real with Him, about trust, about desire and trusting Him with it, about rest, about family, about seeking to please Him and releasing trying to please others...the list goes on and on and on.

Now that you have a little update on my life, I will continue on with why I came here in the first place and share about some immediate things God has been showing me.

Let's be honest

Considering how much we tell our kids the importance of honesty and how the Bible teaches that we shouldn't lie, the body of Christ doesn't always do the best job of being honest. I don't believe that it's an intentional thing, but also not terribly surprising considering the Bible also tells us that our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9). However, we gotta get honest if we want God's power fully working in us.

I've always thought the concept of lying to God is stupid since He already knows everything. Problem is, I don't always realize what I'm doing. I have a strong conviction about the power of our words. There are things that I absolutely refuse to declare over myself. For example, I will not say, "I always get sick," (which I honestly don't), but if I have a cold, I'm lying to say, I'm perfectly healthy right now. Gotta admit I have a problem I need the Lord's power to overcome.

There are things I want to do and want to be. I want to be bold, I want to care more about other people than my own comfort, but I can't force myself to become those things if they aren't what I already am. If I could, I wouldn't need God. All I have to offer God is who I am at this very second, and praise God, He says that's enough through Jesus' blood. What kind of fool am I to come before God and say, Lord here I am strong and ready to take on the world and bring Your kingdom, if the truth is, I am weak and desperately want to win the world for Jesus, but don't know how to muster up the courage and strength to do it. If I won't admit I'm weak, I don't leave room for God to pour out His strength on me. He tells me His strength is made perfect in weakness, but how often am I willing to actually offer my weakness to Him?

I was listening to a message, or maybe reading my Bible, I don't remember...something about Jesus, and God put this phrase in my spirit, "Let God have your foolish things." I don't like to be foolish, or admit that I'm foolish, but God says He'll use the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. Problem is, it takes humility, and humans just have a hard time with that. Paul says, "And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom." (1 Cor 2:1). If I were Paul and God told me to go preach to these people and I knew I didn't have eloquent speech, I would probably want to go get some lessons or something before tackling the task. But God doesn't need prepared, super wise or skilled people, He needs willing people cause all that stuff He already has to offer us and can do it much better than we can. (That is not to say we shouldn't do things to be prepared etc., but we should not depend on our ability to do those things, we should depend on God to use our willing selves.)

So I've been working on being honest with God. I've been working on offer God my foolish things so He can take them and shame the wise. Quite simply I have nothing I am able to offer God other than who I am right now, with all the weaknesses I have, and all the strengths and skills He's given me. Offering God a fake me, that I think is more desirable, is dumb.

Here's me God. Here's my half compassionate self that I wish were more compassionate  take it, transform it, use it. Here's my partly bold unafraid self, take it, transform it, fill it with your never-ending love make it more courageous, use it. Here's my mostly selfish self that wants to be Godish, transform it, use it....the list goes on. I can only offer him what I have and what I have is not yet complete, but He promised he'd continue the work to completion :)

Right Perspective

This morning I woke up to be with the Lord. I cozied myself into a blanket in a our chilly sun room and was singing. I don't know about you, but I often come across things in my life where there's nothing I can do to change a situation or address a problem and in that regard I started singing "Jesus, I call on Jesus, name above all names, holiest one. Emanuel, God is with us, blessed redeemer, holiest one." God often speaks to me in song, but this one I was declaring. I was recognizing who my God is and the power in His name. Then He spoke. I started singing another song that I haven't heard or sang in a long time. "God is bigger than the air I breath, the world we'll leave. God will save save the day, and all will say my glorious, my glorious. And all You ever do is change the old to new..." He interrupted my cry to Him and said, "Sara, do you really know who you are calling on?"

I know I have a good God. I'm confident of His love. I'm confident of His care for me, and I see miracles on a regular basis, but even so I call out to Him with this thought of, I know this is hard God (this situation etc.), but you're God so you can figure something out. He's GOD. My situation may look challenging and it may seem like a solution will be hard to come up with, but He's GOD. For Him it is EASY. I am calling on the God that created the world. Out of a void, He made not only a something, He made a perfectly designed world complete with a vast variety of living creatures on it. Out of the DUST he formed a HUMAN. Regardless of what my situation, issue, feeling, brokenness, relational issue, financial state...He is GOD. For Him it's easy. He doesn't have to labor over plans and strategies, to God it is simple. He knows exactly what to do. "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Rom 8:31

He heard you already

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matt 7:11

I've read this. I've contemplated it. God's given me some understanding of it and then I got a little guy to help me really get it. 

There have been a few times when I've asked God for something and then asked Him again and then again and then He told me to quit asking cause He's already on it and I need to trust Him. So when you're three, your favorite thing to do is ask questions. Lately, my little guy will ask for something, which I will tell him I'm getting, and then he will ask me over and over and over and over from the time it takes me to get that item and bring it to him until it is right before his eyes. I find myself now responding to his continual questions by asking him, "Did you ask me that already?" "yes" "Did I say I would do that?" "yes" "Do you think I am going to do that?" "yes" "Ok, then you probably don't have to ask me anymore, because you're right I will do that for you, it just takes me a minute." On a screen that could be read in a condescending way which is not how it goes, just a conversation, but as I hear myself remind him over and over that I am going to do what he asked and he really doesn't need to keep asking, I thought about me and God. I do what my little guy does all the time to God. "Hey God! Are you going to do it? You going to do it? You going to do it? You going to do it?" And already He told me yes. I can relax and rest in Him cause He's trustworthy. He WILL do what He said. Hm. I can enjoy where He has me and know there is so much more He's said is to come to pass in my life. In the same way when sweet boy has asked me for a glass of juice, he can relax and enjoy his food while I get it, instead of checking in on the status of his juice ever two seconds. 

God is as trustworthy as they come. If He said it, He will do it. 

One day I woke up a mom...

So a few months ago I gained a precious three year old boy. That's a story for a different post, you are welcome to ask if you want to know more about that, but what I'm really writing about is this one time Jesus reminded me that He loves me with a little lump of poo.

Earlier today I went to get him out of my roommates room to have him have some potty time. We're  potty training so we're in the "sit on the potty all day long" stage where we spend time sitting on the super awesome, colorful, music playing potty to practice putting our pee pee in there. Clearly when I say we what I really mean, is him. He practices. I'm already quite adept at using the potty. I put my pee in there and I put my poo poo in there and sometimes when I come out he asks me which one. Anyway, the timer went off and I went to get him. He happened to be playing cars with my roommate and didn't like the idea of interrupting his play time, so decided that chucking a match box car across the room as hard as he could was a better idea. I happened to disagree which landed him in time out. Now I felt that throwing a car was an unreasonable response and it happened to make me quite frustrated. So we talked, he said he was sorry and we moved to the potty. As he sat on the potty I was having a conversation in my mind about how I have to be quick to let things go, but how really I'm still frustrated. Not so much that he threw the car, it happens, but that he's learning appropriate responses to things and these types of responses still happen more often then I like. So as I wait thinking about how I need to not be frustrated, he poos. First time in the potty. Unless you've potty trained a kid, you probably don't realize how very very exciting a little poo in the potty is. God is gracious to me. As I tried to not be frustrated it all faded when God had my little guy drop a gift in the potty.

You can look forward to more adventures into motherhood with a three year old...Tis the season.

Walking as a Woman

I wrote a while back that I'd take you on a journey with me to discover what it is to be a woman of God. I didn't exactly take you on my journey. This is partly because the time to write just hasn't been there, but partly because the way God does things are different then I tend to expect.

I'd sensed from the Lord that this time around I wasn't supposed to avoid figuring out what is really menas to be a woman. I assumed that meant He'd involve me a lot in the process of revealing it to me. So I obediently have been asking God to give me revelation, been looking in the Scriptures, been seeking out Godly women, and God's been showing me things. All of a sudden I'd be reading my Bible and God would show me things about women. I read about Samson and Delilah and was struck by the influence a woman can have and realized that while Delilah used it in a corrupt way, if that same influence was used to build up a man and spur him on toward what God has for him, it'd be super powerful. I read 2 John and realized it was written to an elect woman of the church. All sorts of stuff is being revealed to me, but I'd been trekking along on the journey, trusting God is transforming me, and then I have a conversation and become aware that I thoroughly consider myself a woman.

I sat with my friend talking about how we tend to consider certain milestones entrance into adulthood and she was considering this in her own life. As we talked I started to realized that I was viewing our conversation through the lenses of someone who considers herself no longer a girl but a woman. I smiled to myself at the realization because God is so good, I hadn't even realized He'd done it.

It wasn't a certain verse I read. It wasn't revelation about what it means to be a woman and realizing I fit into it. My view of myself as a woman was solidified when I recognized what God is calling me to. I have an assignment that can't be completed by a girl. I have a responsibility that only a woman can carry. The things God is calling me to forces me to walk as a women, and the cool thing about it, is that if the assignment is given by God that means that He's saying, little girl, the time has come, walk as the woman I say you are. When I agreed to walk in the assignment, without realizing it, I was also setting aside the girl in me and fully embracing the woman God has risen up in me. I wish I had better words to explain the gravity of this and how awesome it is.

I watched the movie 300 not that long ago. Not normally a movie I'd watch, but my friend was telling me the spiritual implications they saw in it and I wanted to see for myself. Connecting the concept of Spartans to the army of God is a little bit nuts and really pretty eye opening. The elements of unity and focus are impactful. Something I've considered a lot after watching though, was the woman that the queen was. Her strength. Her priorities. Her prominence. Her job could not be done by a girl, she has to walk as a woman, there's no room or time to be a girl. Too much was at stake and her role was too important. That's kind of how I feel. It's a privilege really. We've been given assignments by the Lord. He's entrusted us and He declares we are able and makes us sufficient for the task.

The life God has called me to, and the season He has me in, is one where there is no room for playing around (I am not saying it's not fun or exciting. God has set me free and it's fantastic, not to mention God's way is exciting, exhilarating, and full of joy). Here there is no room for trying out my own stuff. There is no room for compromise. If I want to see the fullness of God, if I want to fulfill the assignment, if I want to live the abundant life, it's all about doing exactly what God says and literally letting Him direct every step. God is so incredibly faithful!

It's time to be a woman

For some time now I've had an aversion to doily coated women's meetings. I've never wanted to sit with a group of women sipping tea, painting my nails, and talking about shopping and homemaking. The roots of my aversion are varied, everything from feeling it to be surface level, to not feeling like I have common interests in these settings, to the unspoken feminist messages Portland fed me growing up. After twenty six and a half years of being content avoiding these events and discussions, being satisfied simply knowing I am His and my main role in life to to bring glory and honor to God, He has invited me on a journey that involves learning my role specifically as a woman of God.

In the past when I'd come up against an idea about a female's role, I would become frustrated hearing everyone's differing opinions on the topic, and in the end I would settle on, I don't care, I just know I'm His and I will do what He tells me. However, this time I'm confronted with the concept that men and women are not only different, but have different roles and the Lord is asking me to let Him tell me what that means and how He designed it. So I'm holding onto Him with white knuckles, bracing myself to have a paradigm shift. Already He's confronted some deep rooted issues I didn't even realize I had in me.

As I'm beginning this journey I began to pay attention to the ladies around me and I began to do some reading. What I've found so far is that most woman think they know what it means to be a woman (like I have thought myself) when in reality, few of us can articulate it or back it up with depth of scripture. Society, including Christian culture, has just told us things that we've unknowingly sucked in and accepted.

So I thought I would take you on this journey with me as I'm certain is will be at least a little life changing for me and I'm confident the Lord will reveal things. To start off let's just throw out some things I'm quite certain about and looking forward to gaining more revelation on.
 1. There is something about a woman's strength that is different than a man's and has a different purpose.
 2. God desires a gentleness and meekness in a woman that brings a certain kind of power and transformation.
 3. Something about what God's innately put in woman that allows them to mother.
 4. some other stuff that isn't coming to mind at the moment.

Second, God's already confronted some things in me that I didn't realize were there. So let's take a little look at some of the messages I was fed from a feminist society in the city I grew up in.
 1. Women can and should do anything a man can do.
 2. To desire only to be married and have a family is weak and demeans women, as women are capable of anything men are capable of.
 3. Women should be able to think like a man, and should not be overly emotional.
 4. Women and men do not have different roles based on their gender, they lead lives differently only because they are unique individuals.
 5. Women are strong.
 6. I'm sure there are way more but those are some that come to mind right off hand.

Now understand that I grew up in a godly home with parents that have a good marriage. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I and I have always regarded her as someone who is incredibly intelligent and capable. I never questioned the decision for her to be home raising my brother and I. I also see her as an incredibly influential woman. She has impacted, to a very great degree, a huge number of lives from relatives, to neighbors, to church goers, to friends, to people she pretty much just picked up off the street.

However, despite these things I have come to realize that there are lies deeply rooted in me that I haven't even realized were there. For example, the lie that woman are just as strong as men in the same way men are strong. Being told I couldn't do something because I was too weak was incredibly offensive to me. So I heard a godly women comment about her being the weaker one in her marriage and found myself completely taken back. She wasn't saying this in a way to devalue herself in any way. (Now realize I believe woman have strength, but it's different than a man's strength). So I began to question my strong reaction to the comment. Why am I offended when a man or woman suggests I shouldn't carry a heavy box because I'm a woman? I started to look at the facts. I'm five feet tall. My thigh is about the thickness of some men's biceps. Even a small man is generally quite a bit bigger than me. Hmm. It seems that I am "weaker." And yet it is SO hard for me to accept. When I come to something that I find hard to accept I tend to default to, well I just need to let the Lord speak to me (generally a very good default). But I was horrified as I realized how deeply rooted this lie was as I asked myself, what if God tells me that women are weaker, can I receive this from the Lord. Oh have mercy on me Lord. It took a process of me receiving God's grace to receive what He wants to tell me, to be ok with accepting this. Even now I'm not yet to a point where I won't have to remind myself to not be offended if a guy graciously tells me not to carry the heavy box. I share this particular example because it is one that I find most ridiculous when I really think about it. It shouldn't be hard for me to accept that my five foot self is naturally not as strong as most men. (The problem is that society had connected the lie to a lie about value and worth...but I won't go into that at the moment.)

Despite how obnoxious it is to realize the stupid lies that I hadn't realized infiltrated my life, I'm excited to let the Lord teach me about being a godly woman. Because in much lesser extremes, I see that most Christian woman have excepted things from society that weren't from God. I want to be confident in who God says I am, and I want to be open to whatever that is. You see I'm excited because I've had a taste of the freedom that comes with knowing the role that God has created for you and only having to worry about fulfilling that role instead of trying to fulfill all sorts of roles that others try to put on you. I've seen this play out in other areas of my life, but I've even had a chance to taste it in being a woman.

 While I was in Japan I had a southern guy friend. As I got to know him I immediately realized that his perception of men and women was different, and he was treating me out of his understanding of who men and women are. I took it as a cultural difference, and after fighting my feminist inclinations initially in our friendship, I began to just let it be his culture and go with it. I didn't take offense when he told me to carry the light box because I wasn't that strong. He used those words, but somehow they rolled off because I deemed them cultural, but really more so because I knew that in his mind they made me no less valuable or capable.

 In retrospect I found a lot of freedom in that friendship because I was not expected to be a man, or understand a man, or fend for myself because I'm just as capable as a man and don't need a man. I was free to have emotions. I was free to let myself be looked out for and have the heavy objects carried for me. I was free to not try to prove myself just as valuable and capable. There were defined differences, that were simply differences and suggested nothing about my worth or ability. I don't know how to explain the freedom that this brought. Because I just received it as a culture difference to accept, I was able to experience a taste of the freedom that comes from understanding what my role is.

 So now I journey with the Lord to let Him reveal to me who He has created me to be. I let Him give me my value and worth based on who He is and what He's given me, not based on me at all. I let Him show me the lies the have seeped in unknowingly and be set free by His truth. Should be a fun journey.

Trust and Cars

Have you ever heard that phrase, "Put God in the driver seat of your car?" It's made sense to me. Let God have control. I'm not sure that's the best picture though.

My house sits on a busy street. We often have a lot of cars in our driveway, parked in every crevice leaving very little concrete visible. The other day I needed to get out but was sandwiched between a few cars leaving what felt like only inches to maneuver in. My friend stood outside my car guiding me out. The process was rather tedious as I'd move a few inches in one direction to then be able to move a few more inches another direction. So I sat in my car as my friend directed me to turn my wheels a little more to the right or left and back up then go forward. The process was slow, but mostly because each time he told me to drive I'd looked at what I could see and said, "I feel like I'm going to hit the car," and then slowly followed the directions he was giving me. As I very slowly progressed out of my parking spot my friend looked at me and said with a bit of exasperation, "Do you trust me?" What a silly question I thought as I answered, "Yes..sigh" and thought, "that's why I'm still driving like you say." In retrospect, I trusted, but the level of my trust compared to what my brain said the situation was, caused me to drive very slowly and hesitantly. I never hit one of the other cars and as I drove off I began to think about the situation. My friend had a different perspective than I did. I could not see what he was seeing. What I could see was that it looked a lot like I was going to hit a car. I could not see the reality he saw. Hmmm a bit like me and God I do believe.

God gives me the authority of my life, but tells me that it will be best for Him and for me if I follow His directions. I was the one driving the car. I had the power to move it, but I needed my friend to tell me how to get out of my parking space and then I had to trust his directions. God knows the beginning from the end. He knows every detail of every circumstance. He can give me much better directions than the ones I can come up with from my perspective.

The Bible talks about us going from glory to glory. God gives us revelations about one thing. We start to catch on to something about Him and then He begins to show us something new. So where I am at is a place where God is saying I have things for you to do, but right now you need to trust and act upon the little things I'm telling you. I could have just decided to sit in my parking spot, but I wouldn't have been able to go anywhere. I would have been safe, and no car would have been dented, but that would have been dumb considering there was somewhere for me to go, and someone who could get me out so I could go there, I just had to trust.

Maybe that's where you're at. I've been there. You look around and say, it's too big of a risk, from my perspective it doesn't look safe. I'll just stay here in this safe spot. Maybe you tried to start to get out, but gave up when it seemed impossible. But it just so happens that God has places for you to go and if you will trust in what He sees, you will be safely taken out of your "safe" spot and made available for the new things God has for you.

Or maybe you are waiting for someone else to move their car when in reality they don't need to. What you see tells you that things are not in place for you to do that thing God has told you about. When in God's reality, from His perspective, everything is in place for you to do what He's asking. You are just waiting for your seen reality to match up and wasting your time waiting for the right time that is actually already there.

Will we move when God says, trust that He sees what we don't, and take what feels like a risk and begin to move according to His direction? It's one thing to say, "Here God, you drive." and a totally different one to listen when He says, "Ok let's go, everything is ready, just trust my directions."

Faith is believing what is unseen. If you can see it, it doesn't require faith. But faith is not foolish or blind because you're faith is not to reside in a circumstance or outcome, it is to reside in God, the faithful one.

I sure do appreciate how patient God is though. There are times when I sit in the car and keep asking, "Are you sure God? Are you sure I won't hit the other car? Are you sure I'm safe?" And He keeps reassuring me. Then when I begin to follow His directions and drive, I drive hesitantly and slowly, reminding Him, "this looks crazy God, but I'm going to do it." He's incredibly patient, but how much more effective would I be, and how much more quickly could I reach a destination if I'd trust and drive with confidence.

God is great. I just needed to get out of my driveway, and God totally took my experience and said, "Now let's learn a little something about trust. Daughter, do you trust me? We've got some things to do, let's get a move on."

Preaching it up...

Before we left for Sri Lanka, I was warned, you will be asked to preach when you are in Sri Lanka. I've "preached" to teens and kids, but to an entire church congregation...sounded a bit daunting. I was reminded that the Lord tells us the Holy Spirit will give us words at the hour we need them.

As the first Sunday approached I began to feel a bit nervous. A few days ahead of time our team was given our speaking assignments (this in itself is a bit a of a trip...we are treated so well by the church members and they graciously want almost all of us speaking to various congregations on Sunday). Initially I was not given an assignment, but remembering the stories from my friend who came on the first trip, I mentally prepared myself to get a last minute assignment and that was what happened. I was asked to speak to the youth. I was told this on Saturday afternoon and so preparation happened that night. Earlier in the day the Lord showed me what He wanted to speak to them, but as I began to actually outline I eventually felt the Lord tell me to just stop and let it be simple. He gave me a couple verses to share and I knew He'd have to fill in all the rest when the time came. I didn't know how long I was supposed to speak so I knew it was up to the Holy Spirit to give me words anyway. That Sunday morning came and I was given an hour to speak to a small group of youth. I shared what the Lord put on my heart from 1 Peter 2:9 that they have been chosen and they are royal and holy. I told them to let God define them and the Lord directed me as I spoke for an hour.

I don't know if it was my willingness to let the Lord use me or simply His grace and love for me, but since that morning I haven't felt nervous at all as different speaking opportunities (or maybe better named assignments) have come up. I recently read in Acts where the apostles asked for boldness and the Holy Spirit came on them and filled them with boldness. The Lord is filling me with boldness and I have a new confidence to speak to people. The confidence isn't at all about my ability, it's rooted in recognizing God wants to speak through me and He can use me if I'm submitted to Him. So since that first Sunday I've had a few more opportunities to speak. One was sharing a short word with a group of church leaders, the next was preaching at a house church, and just today I gave a message at a church conference. All of these have been so humbling. I know myself. I know my own ability. I know that what is coming out is from the Holy Spirit. He is using me through my willingness to be used, but it is humbling to see people sitting in the congregations listening to me speak to them. Me. I'm not a "preacher," but the Lord is using me to preach (so maybe now I am a preacher? haha). I don't know how to explain it. I don't feel worthy to stand before a group of church leaders and speak to them. I don't feel worthy to preach to a house church and have everyone in the congregation ask for me to pray for each of them, including the pastor and his ministers. I don't feel worthy to stand before a congregation at the church conference and be one of the session speakers. But it's not about what I feel. It's about what God says....kind of like what I told the youth. I must let God define me and use me based on His definition. He says I'm worthy because He has made me worthy. I'm worth listening to because He fills me with words. I carry His presence and am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I am His servant and proudly carry His name, doing His work. When you see that it has little to do with you or what you have to offer, but it's about what God can do with your willing heart and the things He's already put in you, it's fun. I'm having fun and feeling incredibly blessed as I get to minister to God's people in Sri Lanka. My God is so very very good!

So cool today too, I spoke about freedom. I told the congregation that God's freedom is so much bigger than what we know and He wants us to be free. I told them He's already paid for our freedom and freedom goes far beyond just having forgiveness. He died that we could have abundant life and He has freed us from be bound to sin. We are no longer bound. We are free. As I spoke I realized that my speaking was a testimony to what I was sharing. Not so long ago I would have been so nervous to stand before those people and bring God's word. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do it. It is because of the freedom the God has brought me into that I could confidently stand before these people and declare to them that God paid for their freedom and wants them to live free. So cool.

Foreign Living

I love being in a foreign place. There is always so much to learn and take in. It's fascinating. A few days ago we walked into to town to pick up dinner. Just the walk along the street was exciting in itself. Traffic is....different here. I found the walk a bit thrilling and a test of trust as drivers zoomed past us making four lanes out of two. Everyday as we drive to various places I observe the cars and pedestrians, what one person here referred to as organized chaos and I know that the though it may appear chaotic, like a pedestrian is in danger of being run over, there actually is a strategy to it where people don't get run over. As I walked along the street I had to remember that the cars zooming by me wouldn't hit me.

So much to be learned here. I haven't seen much below the surface. I'm sure that if I were to actually move here there would be much more underlying that I would have to learn, but even on the surface there is so much to take in. When grocery shopping for produce you must give your produce to a worker who will then weigh and price it. When eating you use your right hand and no silverware. Orange coconuts are for drinking and brown ones are for cooking.

I love this. I love all there is to take in. I love the cultural nuances, but more than that I love the people to get to know and the stories that have shaped them.

Community work fueled by the Holy Spirit

It's amazing to me to see all that is coming out of what appears to be such a small church here in Sri Lanka. Aside from all the church services that happen on Sundays in various parts of the city and even county that have come from connections with this small church, they also support an organization that the pastor started which ministers to so many people in all different communities.

A few days ago our team had the opportunity to go north. This in itself was a gift. Only three years ago the north was completely war torn as it was the location of the the Tamil Tigers, a rebel group in Sri Lanka. The church saw needs in this area. God gave the pastor vision, and now there are a number of ministries happening. We only got to see a handful of them, if that.

The second day we were in the north we went to breakfast. As we sat eating a sort of pancake-ish thing (not really a pancake considering you eat it with curry....) I listened to a woman describe all the services the organization runs and talk about how they were literally started off faith and are now largely supported by the church we have been working with. I can't even remember all the programs that are happening, I just remember sitting there amazed by the way God is moving through this church and all that is happening in His name because of the people that are willing to walk in faith and watch the Lord provide for the things He's asking them to do.

I was impacted by the programs we did get to see. We first stopped at a girls home. The war ended in 2009 after many many years. It was brutal. There were child soldiers. We walked into the home and were greeted by beautiful young women. Then we were told some of their stories. Able to assemble a weapon or bomb in a matter of seconds. Dared to go into the enemy camp and slit a soldier's throat. Watched family members killed. And on and on. They are beautiful, sweet young women. The program doesn't force the girls to participate in any religious activity, or preach to them, but the workers there love the girls in the name of Jesus. The girls watch as the workers do their devotions. They get prayed for, and are prayed for constantly by the workers. Most of the girls choose to come to Jesus and girls that were once child soldiers are completely transformed and renewed. It was so so awesome to see.


The second place we visited was a vocational training school. The young women at the girls home along with other young people from the community receive vocational training here. They learn IT, sewing, leather work, and I think a few other things. They get to choose which classes they'd like to take and learn the skills and have a chance to practice them as well. It was really neat to go and see a group of students learning leather work to make bags, and hear about how they will then be able to run a shop in town as part of the class to learn all aspects of business.

The third place we visited was a school for children with special needs. There were 8 children in class when we visited. I've been in a number of classrooms for students with special needs in the states. This room had only the basics. Students, workbooks, a few manipulatives, and teachers that really care and really pray. We heard a few students' stories. One boy that was very violent and unpredictable when he came, but now is much better and came and greeted us when we arrived, very inquisitive though non-verbal. One little girls who has very brittle bones and did not walk when she first came. She stood up, walked around, and sang to us while we were there. Another girl we were told had recently left the school because she had been brought up to a level where she could attend the local school.

I was impressed by all that is happening, but I think even more impressed by all that God is doing. The people running these places are mostly pastors. They provide a lot of services, but what I saw was kids and young people that weren't just given good skills or education, they were prayed into transformation. The little girl with brittle bones....I looked around that room and saw nothing that would make it so she could walk. Jesus did it. The young women at the girls home were clearly restored through Jesus and we were told that the judge who makes decisions about homes like these has made comments about how the young women from this home are noticeably different.

For a long time I thought that a good program would change people's lives. I thought that the right kind of community work could do it. Here I got to see a beautiful picture of programs empowered by the Holy Spirit. Transformation like I haven't heard of before takes place there. Being there, seeing the humble means that they have to work with, but the significant changes that are happening in people's lives, points directly to the power of Jesus.

Welcome to SRI LANKA!

I don't know why it is that it feels so much easier to write a blog when I'm in a foreign country. I suppose it gives me a specific focus that let's me know what I should tell you about. Maybe this trip will give me the momentum to keep up with writing once I return home. You should pray for me that that's the case :)

We arrived in Sri Lanka about 5 days ago after 15 hours of flying, a 12 hour layover in Dubai, and then another 4 hour flight. Yikes that was a lot of travel! I loved that we had the time to go sight seeing in Dubai, but throwing in that extra 12 hours messed with my internal clock a bit more than I anticipated.

I have never been to a country like Dubai. Flying in, we looked down on desert land, and once landed we entered a high tech city like I've never seen. Japan is advanced, but Dubai was crazy. There was a holographic lady a the airport saying something (I was too far away to hear), and touch screen directory maps at the mall. I loved the opportunity to experience yet another place and another culture. We say the tallest building in the world, drove onto the man-made palm tree island, and walked the malls that had a huge indoor aquarium, and another that had an indoor ski resort (in the middle of the desert!). It was pretty incredible. I do believe that my favorite part though, was the opportunity to meet our teammate, Conrad's, sister and her family. That is my favorite part of being in new countries, meeting locals and seeing life lived in a different place.

After Dubai we hopped back on a plane and took the final ride to Sri Lanka. We were greeted by one of the pastors and a church member and driven to the pastor's home for a snack before being taken to the house we are staying at. All of the people I have met here have been very warm and welcoming. That was the beginning of the continual flow of new people to meet.

Oh dear, I should have begun this blogging thing sooner...too many details. Let's see....highlights.

Pastor Leslie has been here the since we arrived and will be flying out in the next couple days. It's been such a blessing to have a chance to talk with him while he is here. After talking with him for only a few minutes you know that this man has one purpose and that is to do the will of the Lord. It is all he talks about and all he does and everyone around him knows it and have an incredibly large amount of respect for him because of it.

Last night we had the honor of attending a commissioning service for a group of pastors here. They began the time with worship which always stirs something in me to sit among people praising God is another language. It's like getting a glimpse of heaven where all tribes and tongues will praise the Lord together. I think what struck me most was being amount a group of people, committed to Jesus despite the obvious cost. In the states this isn't something we really understand in the same way. The Lord has been teaching me about the cost of following Him lately, but even so, here it is different. Here there is persecution. There are laws limiting how you share about Jesus. The other religious groups will not talk about co-existence like the bumper stickers I see driving around Oregon (a place that has persecution of believers all it's own), they don't want to co-exist. They don't want believers encroaching on them. When these pastors stand up to be anointed and commissioned, there is understanding that there will be a price to pay, but they stand with boldness, knowing that no matter how high the price, the reward is greater because we have a God that loves us, and has given everything to prove it to us.

This morning I was reading in Acts 4 and I was struck by the verses that said, Peter and John were arrested, however, many of those that had heard their preaching believed (v. 1-4). They literally say the cost of following Christ, but they believed anyway. In the states we frequently talk about being "seeker-friendly" or we will watch our words to make sure we don't scare people away from believing. That's not how it went in Acts, and that's not what I see here. If we are convinced of the reward of following Christ, there is no cost too high to pay.

I was thinking of this personally earlier today. If I lived here, would I be willing to pay the cost even if the persecution was strong. I sat here thinking about how it may be very difficult, but I couldn't come up with a scenario in my mind where I was turn away because even when I think about persecution I am so completely convinced of the truth of Christ, I couldn't turn away. Even if I turned away it would be believing that Christ is still true and so the thought of it only makes me think of disappointing my God with my cowardliness. I would never want to do that.

Freedom and Obedience

When I was 17, I remember being on the plane flying back to the U.S. from London after a summer long mission with Royal Servants. I sat next to one of my teammates and told them that I didn't ever want to become complacent. I feared settling into the typical American lifestyle and just getting comfortable, unwilling to follow God into the unknown or risky. At the time, I didn't have a clue the journey God would take me on out of my desire to follow Him. That's not to say it's been easy. Each time God directs or redirects, my faith grows as I see His faithfulness yet again, but there is certainly a laying down of one's own will in the midst of it.

I've been wanting to write about what God's taught me about obedience for some time now, but it is so deep in my heart I find it really difficult to articulate in anyway that makes sense outside of my own head. I'm quite confident that one of the greatest gifts that God gave me when I was in Japan, was teaching me that there is freedom in obedience. Freedom. I had had no idea. I always assumed that obedience felt like bondage.

This lesson took a year of experiences that were lessons in dying to myself. (And they continue still.) It sounds painful. It is. The thing is, though, that when Jesus said that we must die to ourselves to be alive in Him, He meant it. I thought being alive in myself was good enough, but it turns out, being alive in Christ is unexplainably better.

We never know what the future holds. The idea that I can plan a better life, or even day rather than letting the all-knowing God plan it for me is really quite silly. You see, if I believe that my God loves me and He knows the beginning to the end, past, present, and future, then it would only make sense that I'd follow His direction instead of my own. When I obey the things He tells me to do, I never have to worry. This isn't because things aren't hard or challenging, it's simply because if my loving God told me to do it, it is therefore better than any alternative thing I could have done. He knows everything and has my best in mind. I can know that even if what I am going through is really difficult, there is something about it that is better for me or those around me than if I had done something else. I don't have this guarantee if I try to follow my own way.

Hmm, this is frustrating...I genuinely don't know how to explain the things God has put in my heart about this all. Maybe I can give you an example. I guess I can start with that which God used to really start teaching this to me.

Three years ago I moved to Japan. None of it made sense. I'd never considered even visiting Japan, I thought I wanted to teach in a secular urban setting but really was questioning if I wanted to teach at all, and I would be working at a tiny private Christian school. I knew no one there. I wouldn't be making much money. Etc. etc. The only thing I knew was that something in my spirit felt that God was telling me to move to Japan. It was simply a matter of obedience (not to say there wasn't a part of me that was excited for an adventure). So I obeyed. I couldn't see how any part of it connected to the other passions God had put in my heart. What I knew was that if God said it, it was better than the plans I could've made. Turns out the year allowed me space to rest, provided friendships that were of a caliber that completely transformed the way I view friendships and relationships, and provided space to be with God in a way that I hadn't made time or space to do in the past. I didn't even know I needed those things before I left, and hardly recognized them happening while I was there, but they have changed the rest of my life. I don't do life the same any more. They were preparation for all the other things God has for me.

As I was in Japan I rested in the confidence that God brought me there and didn't try to figure out the whys. That's part of the freedom of obedience to God. If I plan, I have to figure out why I'm doing each thing, but if I follow what God's said, I can simply trust His instruction, goodness, and faithfulness.

One more example and then I'll just trust that whatever it was you were supposed to grasp as you read this, you did.

While I was in Japan I had a friendship that was unique. Just the way it all turned out, my friend and I both recognized that we needed to only be friends to the capacity God instructed. It was one of the most impactful friendships I've ever had. I knew that I had to hold onto it loosely and allow God to direct however He wished because there was too great a possibility of me messing things up if I tried to take control or hold on too tightly. I didn't trust myself with it. The cool thing was that because I sought God in it, I was free to be friends in the way God directed and not worry about anything because I know God is trustworthy. It also allowed for the friendship to be seasonal (this is something else God's taught me about throughout my life as He's shown me that often He places people in our lives for seasons for specific reasons and it's ok that they are only seasonal). It allowed me to not grieve when I moved back to the States, and let the friendship dissolve in many ways as I felt God told me it was seasonal (not to say we don't stay in touch a bit, but it's much different from when I was in Japan). I was and am free because God has shown me that He is trustworthy and when I obey Him I have nothing to worry about. He loves me so much.

I hope that made a little sense. Dying to myself is hard. When I was in Japan my journal was filled with entries where I'd note something "a lesson in dying to myself." God constantly asked to have things that I wanted to hold onto and asked me to just trust Him. Every single time I obeyed, He was faithful. It get's a little easier to trust after seeing so many times of faithfulness, but it's taken a lot of initial risk to find out my God really is as faithful as the Bible promises.

Sunburns in October

It was beautiful day yesterday, but a bit warm for October. Starting out in jeans, shoes, and sweatshirt quickly turned into jeans, sandals, and tank top and that was still a bit warm for the blazing sun! Anyway, aside from that and the mild sunburn I got, it was a wonderful day. I got kidnapped for a birthday day yesterday morning by my dear friend Meg and taken to the beach to talk, pray, and be with Jesus. Was an excellent start to the day. We sat together on the beach dreaming of the things God has for us as we reflected on His incredible faithfulness to us thus far. Even in our very friendship, His goodness is so clearly displayed. When I first met her I never really believed we'd stay life-long friends, but God has blessed us as He's changed each one of us so significantly in the last couple years and drawn us together to a relationship that seems most accurately described as a Jonathan and David sort of relationship. I am so grateful, there aren't even words, God has blessed me so much! The day went on with a picnic in the park with some more friends God has blessed me with, a time of blessings, and the night finished off with an awesome event called Rhetoric, where a bunch of spoken word artists share their stuff. Such a good day.

I was thinking though about birthday blessings. It's a tradition among our group of friends to share things we appreciate and then things we pray blessing of over the birthday person. This year I found myself humbled as people shared at birthday blessing and also in cards I was given. It is only by God's grace that people can share the way they see God in me, and the way God has used me in their lives. I am thankful for the blessings spoken over me, but there was also an unspoken blessing behind it all -- the blessing of being used by God. I realized that God has already and continues to bless me in such a huge way as He allows me to speak into people's lives. It is such a great privilege to share God's love and truth and then hear your friends talk about the ways you've impacted them. I am so humbled. I love them all so much and they have so greatly impacted my life that I'm just totally humbled to hear them share things that I've meant to them. Truly, it is only by God's grace. It is only because of what He has put in me. It is only because of the freedom He's given me, the prayers he's answered, the truths He's confirmed to me, that I have anything to offer or any love to give. It's a bit weird to be acknowledged for things that were only gifts given to me. It's nothing of myself. I am so grateful. God is so very very good to me.

Thank you all for such a lovely birthday celebration, and for being such wonderful friends!

To Him be All the Glory!

It's my birthday today and I'm reminded of how faithful my God is. I think back to my birthday a year ago. I hadn't been back in the states for very long, was just really getting into Solidarity and getting to know the new friends God had surrounded me with. A year later I'm quite simply, overwhelmed by God's goodness. Each time I think I know His love, each time I think I've experienced His blessings, healing, and freedom, He shows me more. His is infinite and graciously takes me from glory to glory. So for all He has done I give Him praise. Here is to say thank you my loving Heavenly Father for all the blessings of the past year.

He has:
- Freed me from hurts and things that restricted me from experiencing Him more fully with out me even realizing those things had been there hindering me.
- Healed me of food allergies by the power of Jesus.
- Given me a love for time spent with Him.
- Surrounded me with amazing people who encourage each other as we all seek to know His heart.
- Provided for me, and freed me to do what He's asked me to even though it doesn't look like I have a typical job.
- Poured into me so fully that springs of living water have gone through me to the people He has put in my life.
- Freed me from lies of fear and rejection.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! In Him I find my joy, my peace, my strength, my purpose. Blessed be His name!

Thank you Lord for the things you have done and all You have planned for the future.

The Lord is Good!

I’ve been smiling all week because of God’s faithfulness and love in His healing. Tonight I began to realize an even deeper level of that. I was sitting at dinner with some friends and a couple of them hadn’t heard much about what had happened so they were asking about it and as I began to recall what had happened on Tuesday during prayer, some of the others who had been there were telling parts of the story. My friend Diego mentioned how I had said that I wanted to be prayed for for healing because I was ready and had the faith to receive it, and I stopped him to correct him. I told him that wasn’t how it happened. I tried to explain my thought process and how I didn’t feel like I did have enough faith so I intentionally didn’t say that because I knew once we prayed for my healing I had to have faith to walk in that healing or I’d be calling God a liar considering I felt that He’d been revealing to me in His word that his will is healing. Diego wouldn’t hear it, he kept saying that that wasn’t what I said, that he was certain what he heard was me say that I had faith to be healed. We finally arrived at the recognition that, indeed, that is what he heard, but that was not what I said.

Diego was so certain, and heard me so clearly, that his thoughts were filled with excitement as he’d been one of a small group of people waiting for me to be ready to receive healing. His immediate response to me Tuesday was “finally” followed by prayer declaring healing over my body. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit spoke to him, having him hear something different from what I said, knowing that just as Diego heard me say I had enough faith, that really The Holy Spirit knew I did, but the cool thing was that for those who heard me say what I’d actually said, they were praying for my faith to increase, so any lack I had was being filled. The Lord knew I needed that extra shove into a walk of faith. He knew that my friends wouldn’t pray as boldly had they believed I didn’t yet have the faith to receive healing. The Holy Spirit allowed me to have that extra shove into a walk of faith, friends boldly praying over me for healing, and friends praying for increased faith all at the same time. It was the combination I needed to receive the healing that Jesus was offering. I continue to be in awe of God’s love for me. He loves me, oh how He loves me!

“In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I will request of the Father on your behalf; for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father.” John 16:26-27 (NASB)

Faith is Increasing

This morning I woke up with the tune of the song that goes, “I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name,” playing in my head, except the lyrics were, “I will not be broken, I will not be broken, I will not be broken, God knows my name.” It started yesterday, and at first I didn’t realized the lyrics in my head weren’t the normal lyrics, but then I stopped a moment and realized what the words were. I’ve had a number of times in my life when the Holy Spirit has put songs in my mind that once I recognize the song I’m almost subconsciously singing, I can see that God is speaking to me about something that is happening in my life at that time. Yesterday, the lyrics were a declaration of the healing God has just performed in my body. My body is not broken. I am healed.

Almost two years ago I was tested for food allergies, and discovered that there were very few things that I could eat that my body would react to. I had allergies to gluten, eggs, dairy, soy, nuts, and pineapple. Over the last two years I quit eating those things and quickly saw a difference in how I felt. I was able to recognize the reaction my body would have when I would eat those things, or even eat a very small amount of them without realizing it.

Recently I have gone through a process of recognizing God’s power more and more and have come to believe that he wants to heal people. Even so there was this disconnect between other people and myself. Eventually I realized that part of it was an idea that God wasn’t going to heal me from food allergies because my reaction isn’t very visible to other people, so I didn’t think it would bring Him that much glory if I was healed because others would just have to take my word for it, and I wasn’t sure they would. There came a point where God showed me that he wanted to heal me because he loves me. Even with that realization I still couldn’t bring myself to receive the healing He was offering. Every so often my friends would comment that I needed to be healed, and in my mind I would think, “yeah, you’re right, eventually I’ll get there.”

So yesterday I went to Euclid House prayer and near the end we started asking if anyone had things they wanted prayer for. It was about 8am, the time I would normally head out, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me I needed to ask for prayer. So I stayed, but I kept thinking about what to say because I came to the point of realizing that if God is real, and if I believe what he says than I actually have to believe Him and walk it out. I couldn’t muster the courage to ask for prayer to be healed because I knew I had to fully walk in faith and not doubt if I did. So I finally told the group that I believed God could heal, but hadn’t been able to receive healing for myself. I love my friends. They just took my confession that I haven’t been able to receive healing, and they surrounded me, laid hands on me and declared God’s healing of my food allergies. As they prayed I knew that if I believe God to be who He says, then I had to agree with them and then walk as one healed.

After prayer we ate pancakes. For the first time in two years I ate a pancake. I let only declarations about healing come out of my mouth and I ate that pancake believing I was healed. Pre-healed Sara would have felt immediately sick and lethargic after eating a pancake, full of wheat, eggs, and milk, but I felt fine. Later I put milk in my coffee and ate a little cheesecake thing my friend had made, and I felt fine, because I am healed. Jesus healed me. What’s even better is that not only did He heal me from reactions I have when I eat those things, He also healed me from the everyday, not so great feeling that I didn’t even realize I had. When you’re allergic to as many things as I was allergic to, you get small quantities of them without even realizing it. I didn’t even recognize that overall I hadn’t been feeling very good until now, having been healed and feeling even better.

I feel like God is teaching me what it is to have faith. I thought I had faith before, but in the last few weeks He has shown me that I spoke of faith, and at moments I exercised it, but I didn’t really walk a life of faith. I think many Christians talk about faith, but we will only have faith in things that we can picture how they would happen. God’s ways are higher. He can do far beyond what we can even imagine. If I don’t believe God for those things and walk in a lifestyle of faith, what’s the point? That is where I’m at right now. It’s a little nerve racking because if I believe God for things that He will have to do the supernatural for, that means that my worldly mind would suggest it’s possible I will be disappointed and they won’t happen. But if I allow myself to let that keep me from exercising faith for things that are supernatural, then what is the point in following God at all, I’m no better off than if He weren’t my God. I have to choose to believe.

Refocusing

It's been about a month now since I've been back in California. Yet again I see God's faithfulness and wonder why I ever bothered or bother to fear what is in store. Japan was such a blessing in how God provided for me that it was difficult to leave. While there I not only had a strong community, but I felt that God really just worked on me and my heart. I know that he is always transforming us, but it seemed as though he spent my time in Japan to just totally form my heart and mind. While I'm not entirely certain of why God took me to Japan, outside of where he seemed to be directing me prior to Japan, I believe that a big part of it was to take me so far away from what was normal and take me out of the business I had been experiencing to just hear from him and return more intentionally. I knew when I got back to the states I didn't want to just ease into my same comfortable life that I was living before, I wanted to come back totally focused on serving wherever God wanted me.

So here I am. Already I realize that no matter where we are it is easy to lose sight of what God has for us. I have to keep refocusing and checking myself...asking myself if I'm really seeking after God or if I'm just doing what seems to me like a good "godly" thing to do. It's funny though, because God isn't letting me get too far from having my focus on him. Every time I start to have a wrong mindset he does something to remind me.

When I was preparing for my return I began to apply for teaching positions. The life I pictured myself living involved investing in the community I'm living in and also teaching at a school that is underprivileged. Before I had gone to Japan I was told of a couple teaching opportunities and encouraged by administrators and personnel to apply for them. I didn't understand it at the time. Why would God put these opportunities before me when I was already headed for Japan. After sending out over 25 applications and only hearing back from a hand-full, all rejections, I began to understand. God is totally capable of giving me a full-time teaching position, but he has chosen not to. So I recognize that he has a different idea of what I'll be doing here and I have a lot of peace about substitute teaching this year and having the time and flexibility that comes with it, but last week God kind of checked in on me to see if I was really recognizing what he was doing.

I had a phone call last Tuesday from a principal in a district where I had put in an application for a high school position. She said they had a middle school opening (my age preference) and wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. I told her yes, of course. I was immediately excited about this possibility. It was the district where I had done student teaching, not exactly underprivileged, but I was familiar with the curriculum, the school, and would be able to work on getting the next level of my teaching credential. However, I quickly realized what the job would actually mean. Quick preparation for the school year starting a week later, long days of work, 140 students, hours of prep-time and grading,etc. etc. I wouldn't have the time I'd recently been envisioning to become more a part of the community I live in. I started questioning if the job was really something I should consider. To make a long story short, after a lot of prayer, a number of conversations with different people and a roller coaster of emotions I came to realize that even if I was offered the job, I'd have to turn it down. I began to pray for rejection...haha. I'm thankful that school started today and I never heard back after the interview. You must understand how ridiculous this is. Right now, no teacher in their right mind would turn down a teaching position. Coming to that decision was a process and I think that's why the whole thing happened the way it did. Now I get to go into this year intentionally. I'm not subbing because I'm waiting for a full-time position and it's just an in between, I'm subbing because it's what I should be doing right now, because it is giving me a blessing of time. I don't quite know how to explain all of it, but I'm thankful for the way God has allowed me to process through what I'm doing.

The Godly Woman

I have also been realizing lately that there are aspects of my identity as a Christian woman that I didn't realize... That didn't make a lot of sense so let me explain. While I was in Japan there came a point where I had a bit of an identity crisis. I had never been around a lot of Christians that really blatantly believed that woman and men have very distinct roles in the church and life, at least not Christians that I respected. While I was in Japan, I encountered a few and it threw me for a loop. I grew up in liberal Portland, in a loving Christian family that just didn't hold those views. Eventually I came to the conclusion, for a second time, that I didn't need to have the women/men thing figured out, I just needed to seek Jesus and trust him in what he's asked me to be a part of and do. I need to simply find my identity in being a chosen one of God, in being his servant.

Well, since being back I have worked through some other ideas that I didn't even realize had crept into my life. In many ways God has brought me through a process of gaining confidence in just being his. I feel he has been setting me free to live more focused on him and more secure in him. I've had a couple experiences after getting back where I realized that somewhere along the way, growing up in Christian culture, that I am not always free to love and be loved by my brothers in the church. Through some interesting conversations and experiences I realized that I believe many in the church are bound by paranoia that creeps in as we are inadvertently taught to fear relationships as brothers and sisters in the church. Instead of some recognizing that on an individual level they need to be careful and give only the Christian side hug, it is taught that that is the only safe hug to give. We are taught to fear how spiritually intimate we get with someone and as a result we are hardly even free to pray for one another, bearing each others burdens. Friendships are therefore made difficult as pressures of marriage are silently placed upon them by the Christian society because of these ideas that first one cannot really be simply just friends, and two if you are good friends then why not just go for it and be a couple because all Christians ought to get married. I am probably taking this to a bit of an extreme but I'm just realizing that this is how I have experienced Christian culture. This does not apply to all Christians or all churches, but I would argue that the ideas are not uncommon, and I think that because of them, we really miss out on gaining from each other both insight and just a familial kind of loving support. And then there is the idea of the role of women that I didn't even realize I had been effected by until I heard comments that I realized I'd never heard before.

While in university I received a few messages. One was that I was just as capable as any other, male or female, and the second was that while I was just as capable, as a Christian woman, I probably wanted to get a good education, but really deep down I just want to get married and have children. Now the truth is, I have come to realize that indeed I do really want to get married, but I'm in no hurry and I genuinely believe that I'll be just fine if God has something else in mind for my life. I won't feel like any less of a person. But I do believe that it is totally possible that a Christian lady could choose to not get married or have kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. However, when a professor made the comment to me that I ought to continue on to a PhD and how working for a university is great and gives a lot of flexibility if I chose to have a family or if I chose to be single and travel, I was taken back. Other than from my Dad, I had never her a Christian man suggest that a woman might choose something other than marriage. This was an interesting realization, but an even more shocking realization I had was yesterday. I went to listen and support a friend that was speaking at a university's chapel. He's someone that I respect as a person that really desires to honor God and grow closer to God. He was speaking on identity and at one point he said that there was a story in the Bible that he really resonated with. He then shared the story of Mary and Martha and said that he resonated with Martha in this story as she was really a doer and Mary was more able to just be. Now the message itself was good, but what struck me was that as he compared himself to Martha I realized that in all my years of being a Christian that is the first time I have ever heard a man compare himself to a woman in the Bible. I certainly have heard women talk about how they resonate with a man in the Bible and I think nothing of this, I do it myself, I think the Bible is more meant to talk about the hearts of the people in it than anything else, but I have never heard a Christian man compare himself to the heart of a woman in the Bible or her character. I just found this awareness interesting. I'm not sure if it's necessarily a bad thing, I'm still processing through it. I do believe though, that in some respects, we have things a little distorted, but thankfully our God is a gracious God and he continues to grant us wisdom and insight to see him more clearly.