Walking as a Woman

I wrote a while back that I'd take you on a journey with me to discover what it is to be a woman of God. I didn't exactly take you on my journey. This is partly because the time to write just hasn't been there, but partly because the way God does things are different then I tend to expect.

I'd sensed from the Lord that this time around I wasn't supposed to avoid figuring out what is really menas to be a woman. I assumed that meant He'd involve me a lot in the process of revealing it to me. So I obediently have been asking God to give me revelation, been looking in the Scriptures, been seeking out Godly women, and God's been showing me things. All of a sudden I'd be reading my Bible and God would show me things about women. I read about Samson and Delilah and was struck by the influence a woman can have and realized that while Delilah used it in a corrupt way, if that same influence was used to build up a man and spur him on toward what God has for him, it'd be super powerful. I read 2 John and realized it was written to an elect woman of the church. All sorts of stuff is being revealed to me, but I'd been trekking along on the journey, trusting God is transforming me, and then I have a conversation and become aware that I thoroughly consider myself a woman.

I sat with my friend talking about how we tend to consider certain milestones entrance into adulthood and she was considering this in her own life. As we talked I started to realized that I was viewing our conversation through the lenses of someone who considers herself no longer a girl but a woman. I smiled to myself at the realization because God is so good, I hadn't even realized He'd done it.

It wasn't a certain verse I read. It wasn't revelation about what it means to be a woman and realizing I fit into it. My view of myself as a woman was solidified when I recognized what God is calling me to. I have an assignment that can't be completed by a girl. I have a responsibility that only a woman can carry. The things God is calling me to forces me to walk as a women, and the cool thing about it, is that if the assignment is given by God that means that He's saying, little girl, the time has come, walk as the woman I say you are. When I agreed to walk in the assignment, without realizing it, I was also setting aside the girl in me and fully embracing the woman God has risen up in me. I wish I had better words to explain the gravity of this and how awesome it is.

I watched the movie 300 not that long ago. Not normally a movie I'd watch, but my friend was telling me the spiritual implications they saw in it and I wanted to see for myself. Connecting the concept of Spartans to the army of God is a little bit nuts and really pretty eye opening. The elements of unity and focus are impactful. Something I've considered a lot after watching though, was the woman that the queen was. Her strength. Her priorities. Her prominence. Her job could not be done by a girl, she has to walk as a woman, there's no room or time to be a girl. Too much was at stake and her role was too important. That's kind of how I feel. It's a privilege really. We've been given assignments by the Lord. He's entrusted us and He declares we are able and makes us sufficient for the task.

The life God has called me to, and the season He has me in, is one where there is no room for playing around (I am not saying it's not fun or exciting. God has set me free and it's fantastic, not to mention God's way is exciting, exhilarating, and full of joy). Here there is no room for trying out my own stuff. There is no room for compromise. If I want to see the fullness of God, if I want to fulfill the assignment, if I want to live the abundant life, it's all about doing exactly what God says and literally letting Him direct every step. God is so incredibly faithful!

It's time to be a woman

For some time now I've had an aversion to doily coated women's meetings. I've never wanted to sit with a group of women sipping tea, painting my nails, and talking about shopping and homemaking. The roots of my aversion are varied, everything from feeling it to be surface level, to not feeling like I have common interests in these settings, to the unspoken feminist messages Portland fed me growing up. After twenty six and a half years of being content avoiding these events and discussions, being satisfied simply knowing I am His and my main role in life to to bring glory and honor to God, He has invited me on a journey that involves learning my role specifically as a woman of God.

In the past when I'd come up against an idea about a female's role, I would become frustrated hearing everyone's differing opinions on the topic, and in the end I would settle on, I don't care, I just know I'm His and I will do what He tells me. However, this time I'm confronted with the concept that men and women are not only different, but have different roles and the Lord is asking me to let Him tell me what that means and how He designed it. So I'm holding onto Him with white knuckles, bracing myself to have a paradigm shift. Already He's confronted some deep rooted issues I didn't even realize I had in me.

As I'm beginning this journey I began to pay attention to the ladies around me and I began to do some reading. What I've found so far is that most woman think they know what it means to be a woman (like I have thought myself) when in reality, few of us can articulate it or back it up with depth of scripture. Society, including Christian culture, has just told us things that we've unknowingly sucked in and accepted.

So I thought I would take you on this journey with me as I'm certain is will be at least a little life changing for me and I'm confident the Lord will reveal things. To start off let's just throw out some things I'm quite certain about and looking forward to gaining more revelation on.
 1. There is something about a woman's strength that is different than a man's and has a different purpose.
 2. God desires a gentleness and meekness in a woman that brings a certain kind of power and transformation.
 3. Something about what God's innately put in woman that allows them to mother.
 4. some other stuff that isn't coming to mind at the moment.

Second, God's already confronted some things in me that I didn't realize were there. So let's take a little look at some of the messages I was fed from a feminist society in the city I grew up in.
 1. Women can and should do anything a man can do.
 2. To desire only to be married and have a family is weak and demeans women, as women are capable of anything men are capable of.
 3. Women should be able to think like a man, and should not be overly emotional.
 4. Women and men do not have different roles based on their gender, they lead lives differently only because they are unique individuals.
 5. Women are strong.
 6. I'm sure there are way more but those are some that come to mind right off hand.

Now understand that I grew up in a godly home with parents that have a good marriage. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I and I have always regarded her as someone who is incredibly intelligent and capable. I never questioned the decision for her to be home raising my brother and I. I also see her as an incredibly influential woman. She has impacted, to a very great degree, a huge number of lives from relatives, to neighbors, to church goers, to friends, to people she pretty much just picked up off the street.

However, despite these things I have come to realize that there are lies deeply rooted in me that I haven't even realized were there. For example, the lie that woman are just as strong as men in the same way men are strong. Being told I couldn't do something because I was too weak was incredibly offensive to me. So I heard a godly women comment about her being the weaker one in her marriage and found myself completely taken back. She wasn't saying this in a way to devalue herself in any way. (Now realize I believe woman have strength, but it's different than a man's strength). So I began to question my strong reaction to the comment. Why am I offended when a man or woman suggests I shouldn't carry a heavy box because I'm a woman? I started to look at the facts. I'm five feet tall. My thigh is about the thickness of some men's biceps. Even a small man is generally quite a bit bigger than me. Hmm. It seems that I am "weaker." And yet it is SO hard for me to accept. When I come to something that I find hard to accept I tend to default to, well I just need to let the Lord speak to me (generally a very good default). But I was horrified as I realized how deeply rooted this lie was as I asked myself, what if God tells me that women are weaker, can I receive this from the Lord. Oh have mercy on me Lord. It took a process of me receiving God's grace to receive what He wants to tell me, to be ok with accepting this. Even now I'm not yet to a point where I won't have to remind myself to not be offended if a guy graciously tells me not to carry the heavy box. I share this particular example because it is one that I find most ridiculous when I really think about it. It shouldn't be hard for me to accept that my five foot self is naturally not as strong as most men. (The problem is that society had connected the lie to a lie about value and worth...but I won't go into that at the moment.)

Despite how obnoxious it is to realize the stupid lies that I hadn't realized infiltrated my life, I'm excited to let the Lord teach me about being a godly woman. Because in much lesser extremes, I see that most Christian woman have excepted things from society that weren't from God. I want to be confident in who God says I am, and I want to be open to whatever that is. You see I'm excited because I've had a taste of the freedom that comes with knowing the role that God has created for you and only having to worry about fulfilling that role instead of trying to fulfill all sorts of roles that others try to put on you. I've seen this play out in other areas of my life, but I've even had a chance to taste it in being a woman.

 While I was in Japan I had a southern guy friend. As I got to know him I immediately realized that his perception of men and women was different, and he was treating me out of his understanding of who men and women are. I took it as a cultural difference, and after fighting my feminist inclinations initially in our friendship, I began to just let it be his culture and go with it. I didn't take offense when he told me to carry the light box because I wasn't that strong. He used those words, but somehow they rolled off because I deemed them cultural, but really more so because I knew that in his mind they made me no less valuable or capable.

 In retrospect I found a lot of freedom in that friendship because I was not expected to be a man, or understand a man, or fend for myself because I'm just as capable as a man and don't need a man. I was free to have emotions. I was free to let myself be looked out for and have the heavy objects carried for me. I was free to not try to prove myself just as valuable and capable. There were defined differences, that were simply differences and suggested nothing about my worth or ability. I don't know how to explain the freedom that this brought. Because I just received it as a culture difference to accept, I was able to experience a taste of the freedom that comes from understanding what my role is.

 So now I journey with the Lord to let Him reveal to me who He has created me to be. I let Him give me my value and worth based on who He is and what He's given me, not based on me at all. I let Him show me the lies the have seeped in unknowingly and be set free by His truth. Should be a fun journey.

It's complicated

A friend sent me a link to a talk on preparing the church for suffering (http://vimeo.com/10959675) and suggested I watch it because it was interesting. The man talks about how many people in the Western church are not taught how to deal with suffering in a Biblical way. It was an interesting talk. After I watched it I got to thinking about a conference I attended while I was at Biola. The conference was on racial reconciliation and the seminar was on the theology of suffering and celebration. I remembered listen to the speaker and gaining a new perspective on the topic. So I looked up the guy, Soong-chan Rah, and have started to listen through the sessions again (part 1 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=390; part 2 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=397; part 3 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=402). I have only made it through the first part of the talk, but have yet to continue on as I found I needed some time to really absorb the ideas from the first part (probably should wait to write this blog based on that, but oh well, you get the "I'm still processing" version). Basically Soong-chan Rah is suggesting that to fully understand God and his kingdom we need both the perspective of living in suffering and living in celebration. He gives the example of how a person views heaven, and suggests that an affluent 16 year old female might think of heaven as a place that has the good things of earth in abundance while a 16 year old female living in poverty in a war torn country would likely think of heaven as being a place that is drastically different from earth, hardly resembling what she knows of this world at all. Rah then goes on to say that when you look at the Biblical view of heaven it is some sort of combination of both. Rah also talks about characteristics of God in light of suffering and celebration and even points to the Psalms as the psalmists speak of different qualities of God depending on whether they are lamenting or rejoicing. When we are living in celebration we tend to think of God as more nurturing and having more typically feminine qualities while someone living in suffering may view God in a more typically masculine sense being strong and powerful. Really God is all the above.

Rah’s discussion moved in and out of a theology of suffering and how it all connects to diversity. When we are part of churches that are mostly homogeneous we tend to get a view that leans more in one direction. The U.S. is made up predominately of homogeneous churches. You really ought to just listen to the sessions because my summary doesn’t do the issue justice as it is quite complex, but it just got me thinking. While much of the discussion is about suffering and celebration the discussion is also about racial tension and the need for reconciliation, but how certain races dominate Christianity in western culture, particularly the Christianity that gets public attention. Again, you ought to listen because I have yet to put my thoughts together on everything that is presented and so instead you will get my initial response without a decent summary of ideas that were presented.

Right now I’m reading a book with my sixth graders. It is called, Esperanza Rising, and is a favorite of mine. The book is about a 13 year old girl who had grown up on a vineyard in Mexico. The story takes places around the time of the Mexican Revolution and this results in the death of the girl’s father. Through a series of events, the girl is forced from extreme wealth into poverty and travels with her mother and former servants to work in the US. As the story continues you see the girl struggle to understand what it is to live in poverty and try to grasp the worldview of those around her who grew up in poverty rather than in wealth. You can hardly blame her for her ignorance, but she constantly has to deal with it. Initially she is hardly aware of her ignorance but it is constantly brought to her attention through various encounters. She has no way of dealing with her ignorance without it being brought to her attention, but that process is humiliating and so she tries to avoid it.

Rah talks about how whites tend to not like to talk about power. We shy away from it, really because we have it and don’t want to admit it. So here I am faced with the reality that I was born into privilege. I want to be a part of racial reconciliation and I want to understand, but like the girl from the story, my worldview and upbringing has made me a bit ignorant. I find this difficult because my background has shaped who I am, and while I grew up as a part of a group that offered me privilege based on my race, I also see the need to have this change. Lately what I find most difficult is that being the white person, in my efforts to bring about change, I almost magnify the problem. For example, Rah talks about how justice has become in vogue, but the thing is believers that are minorities have been dealing with issues related to justice for a very long time, but more recently some more prominent white Christians have jumped on the justice wagon and that is what made it in vogue. Now you can get your undies in a bunch and make excuses for how that isn’t true or whatever, but the thing is, I see his point. I also remember a Latino friend speaking up at a dialogue on racial reconciliation and mentioning something about how to have power in issues related to racial reconciliation it is beneficial to have white folks on your side speaking up, as if they must give you credibility which just shows the depth of the issues. The thing is, I’m the white person that wants to be a part of the change, but I want to do so graciously, in such a way the gives power and dignity to my minority brothers and sisters in the church, and even those not in the church.

It is all so very complicated. When I try to piece it together I’m left feeling a bit confused and sometimes rather helpless. Today as I was contemplating my return to the states and my desire to be a part of positive change, especially within the church body, as we ought to be an example, I got to thinking that maybe what it is really about is humility. The best way I can serve my brothers and sisters is by walking in humility, and becoming a part of diverse communities of believers where I can just learn and observe and love. I want to pursue justice for all people, racial minorities, low-income families, immigrants, people with disabilities, and I can't help that in some cases my desire to be involved in seeking justice is a bit painful for those that as a group have been doing so for decades, but I can do so out of an attitude of humility.

Sweet Aroma

Every Friday I take a one hour train ride to another part of Tokyo to teach a few English classes. While my Fridays are long, I enjoy them because I have established a nice routine for myself. I finish my Grace classes, head home for a few minutes to gather myself for my other teaching job, catch the train, drown out the sounds around me with my head phones, nap until my ipod alarm wakes me a few minutes before my stop, and arrive in the other part of town about 45minutes early with my book for a period of relaxing where I have nothing to do but read before needing to teach. The lack of coffee shops in Tokyo leads me to sit in McDonalds, like an old woman with her cheap cup of coffee. Today I was looking forward to my McDonalds time and had a new book in hand to start reading but when I approached my usual spot I was suprised to see that McDonalds had closed. Yup, McDonalds, closed. Now if that doesn't say something about the economy I'm not sure what does. Anyway, this completely threw me. My routine was totally messed up and I had no place to plant myself for my extra 45 minutes. There really isn't much in that area aside from Pachinko, some grocery stores, and convenient stores, but I did remember seeing a Coffee sign in a previous exploration so decided to go looking for it.

I found the Coffee sign and decided to brave the little shop. I couldn't tell from the outside if it was the type of place you really sit down in, or if it was a really fancy place, or if I would have to just grab my cup and go, but considering I had no other options I decided I'd give it a shot. So I opened the door and walked it. It was tiny and contained only one table and a bar. There was a kind Japanese woman sitting inside watching TV, but no one else. She looked to me with a bit of surprise and confusion (us foreigners tend to have that effect on people) and then smiled. I wasn't sure what to do so I just used one of the Japanese words I know, coffee (pronounced ko-hi) and added a questioning tone to it. She kind of laughed and motioned for me to come and sit down. She didn't then rush to get me a cup of coffee, instead she stared a moment longer and started talking to me in Japanese. She asked me where I was from and if I understood Japanese. I told her America and no not really, which didn't stop her from continuing the conversation in Japanese after mentioning the difficulty of learning the language. At this point she had moved behind the counter and got me a glass of ice water while continuing to talk to me in Japanese. I didn't understand most of what she said, but was surprised to find that I wasn't completely lost in the conversation. It helped that she didn't seem to mind my lack of understanding and was kind in adding hand motions to much of what she was saying. She learned that I am here teaching and that I live an hour from the area. She told me of her younger sister who lived in Seattle for around 8 years and found the coffee was different than in Japan (which it is...one cup of Seattle coffee is probably equivalent to 3 cups of Japanese coffee). We small talked, and I loved it. She was incredibly kind and I thoroughly enjoyed our disjointed conversation. I drank my $5 dollar cup of Denny's quality coffee, chatted a bit more, and read for a little while before paying with a big smile despite the poor cup of expensive coffee. When I left she bid me farewell with the warmth of a friend, standing close telling me to take care.

I wish I could speak more Japanese. I think I'd like to make her shop a place I frequent. She could be my coffee shop lady that I see every Friday and we tell each other about our weeks. I may return to her shop next week, but unfortunately our talk will be limited. However, I can report to you that my Japanese is improving. I think I have finally come to a point where it's just barely starting to click in my brain. Too bad it has taken ten months and I will be back in the states before I know it.

Walking to work in the snow.

Dear Snow,

I am writing to inform you that our relationship has changed. When we were kids I always trusted your gentle flakes. You’d cancel school and gather all my friends to play. Sometimes you’d come for just a minute, to remind me of your beauty and purity, and when you really came for a visit, you’d stay at least one day, but lately I’ve noticed you’ve changed.

This year each time you come, you disappoint me. The first time you came it was like you were taunting me. I walked with you to work that evening and then you just up and left. I figured you’d be back for some more quality time later on, so I didn’t mind cleaning up after you the next morning. The second time you came was worse. Your flakes falling heavy on the wet ground, quickly turning to brown dirty mud. Why’d you even bother? I didn’t even try to hope for a day off from work, playing with you. But this last time was the worst. You were just so darn cold. Last night when you showed up, I didn’t even bother going out. I didn’t bother looking at you. The way you’ve been taunting, I didn’t want to see you, but you stayed outside my door. You called my friends out into your beauty and so I gave in to you once again.

You were so enticing sitting on the trees, covering the dirty ground with your brilliant white, sparkling surface. Last night it was like we were kids again. I was bundled in warmth with you and my friends, frolicking in the freedom you’d created. Last night I left you at the door trusting I’d see your gentle flakes in the morning. Trusting you’d do like old times and get me a day off to play with you, but you were so very rude. Leaving in the middle of the night like that. Leaving me with a mess to shovel up in the morning. Cold, dirty, slush for me to tromp through. I’m loosing faith.

If you come again, don’t let me down. You must make your visit longer. Give me at least one day of real, quality snow time, because my trust in you is wavering.

Sincerely,

Sara

Too eclectic...untitleable...

I've had an enjoyable last few days. Not too long ago, it was actually warm outside. Now, I'm not sure what temperature now tells my body I'm warm, but I do know that I was outside without my jacket! It was amazing! Oh, these long winter months, I'd forgotten the feeling of the warm sunshine on my skin. A couple friends and I rode our bikes to the river and then just walked around soaking up the warmth. I couldn't stop smiling. Sunshine makes me happy. It was also rather interesting because there was one spot near the river where there had been a small homeless community. There were fort-like structures, mostly collapsed, made out of logs. It actually reminded me a lot of the beach in Oregon that my family visits. When I was a kid, I'd build forts out of driftwood. But these weren't forts to play in, they were homes. It's interesting here because a lot of times I hear about how the Japanese homeless are different. I hear that they didn't really used to exist before the economy crisis, or how some of them prefer homelessness because there are fewer demands and less pressure, or something like that. I'm not sure what I think of this. Maybe it is true. Maybe returning to a simpler way of life is what homelessness can be here, and indeed some prefer to be homeless. Maybe, but I'm not so sure. It is possibly that a small percentage of the homeless just decided one day to be homeless and escape the typical cares of the world, but I have a feeling that the majority did not choose to be homeless. When I saw this deserted community, my heart broke, and what I saw was a connection in humanity. U.S. or Japan, there are the same struggles and the same pain.

Back to happy thoughts, yesterday was some sort of national holiday. I'm not sure what was celebrated; all I know is that I had the day off. It was superb. I slept in a bit, though not so late that I felt I'd wasted my morning, and then I just got some work done for the online class I'm taking. The house was quiet, and the work wasn't too difficult. I then decided it was time to bring back the old coffee shop way; the coffee shop way in which I buy a cup of coffee and then sit at the table for hours with a book or a friend or both and just slow down and relax. The other day I complained to my friend about the lack of coffee shops here and how it was going to be detrimental to my study habits in my class because that is simply how I study, and my friend reminded me that there is a coffee shop/bakery in the department store near our house. So I took my roommate and my book and spent a few hours mostly chatting, little reading actually occurred, in this peaceful place filled with the aroma of fresh bread and coffee. It was delightful. However, the coffee wasn't very good.

The second part of my holiday involved a concert in the city. One of my friends is hugely into music, randomly breaks out into song all the time, songs of various genres mind you, and he told me he was going to a concert with a group of friends. Deciding this sounded like a fun Japanese experience, I didn't even bother to ask what type of music and agreed to go along. Back when I lived in Portland I had a couple friends I used to go to small concerts with. We'd go see the bands that were something unique on their way to becoming cool. The venues were always small, you could usually hang out and talk with the band after if you wanted to, and it was a lot of fun just being in that atmosphere. The concert yesterday was something similar except with a bit of Japanese flair. There were four or five bands, mostly falling under some sort of rock/punk category. The place was small, and terribly smoky, and a lot of fun. There was a band with a singer who'd had a bit too much sake, and a drummer that wasn't wearing normal attire, and there was an all girls punk (I think that would be the way to describe them) band whose lead singer was both hard core and very joyful at the same time who spit her water on everyone. Interesting variety. None of the bands were ones I'd listen to just for the heck of it, but they were great concert bands, providing music sufficient to let yourself get a bit lost in. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy an occasional concert like this.

On a totally different note, I started a class online a couple weeks ago. I've been surprised at my feelings of enjoyment. Last semester was the first semester I've not take a class, since I think I was about five. Being away from academic demands was very good, but also allowed me to realize that I actually do like to have a little structure that forces me to learn and process through information. There is also something to be said for taking a class that I actually have time to really invest in it, not to suggest I'm not still a terrible procrastinator. I've never taken a class that was not accompanied by other classes and all sorts of other business. It's a new experience. This class ought to be particularly interesting because it's a classroom research class. This is also my last class to be done. Woo hoo!

Let's see, some last thoughts. God is pretty much amazing. Blessed...I feel blessed all the time. I also tend to feel confused and uncertain and frustrated and torn, but underlying it all is a feeling of peace and hope and blessing. I have a very faithful God. He takes care of me. Not in the typical American dream style, but I think simply his gift of hope is a way that I'm taken care of. Also, it's been pretty cool being at Grace church and school and being able to invest in the youth of both places and coworkers, church members and friends. Sometimes God allows me insight on someone's life, either through them sharing or just general insight, and this usually leaves me feeling quite humbled. Being someone that somebody else allows in and allows you to carry maybe just a small part of their burden is a kind of gift. I'm so undeserving, not sure what made God allow me to take this role at times. Blessed. I am blessed.

I'm sitting in one of my favorite study/relax places right now have a cup of coffee. The last three weeks have been crazy trying to get everything done. I'm thankful for the work that God's been provided (sub jobs aren't so easy to come by anymore), but between working everyday, moving out of my house of two years, taking a condensed summer class, and trying to fit in as much time as possible with my friends here before I go, I'm exhausted. God has been so very good to me though. I decided that people would be on the top of the priorities and so sleep has taken a major hit....averaging around 4-5 hours :(. I'm not sick, and I'm getting A's on papers that I found myself with my eyes close mid sentence as I was writing them, or I realized that I'd left part out after I wrote it and just threw in a couple sentences on that part here and there. I'm telling you they were not A quality...I'm a teacher, I know...but I've got the grace of God resting on me right now. I even got pulled over for text messaging this week (I was in a neighborhood...not on the main road...I wasn't been that rebellious), but the officer let me off even though when he asked me if I had justification I just shrugged and mutter..um, yeah, nope... God is so good to me.

In the midst of the craziness, I'm saying goodbyes and realizing how blessed I am to have such wonderful supportive people in my life. I will miss my friends here so much, but am grateful that they are sending me off with excitement for my new adventure, and will welcome me back when I return. The last two weeks I've had the blessing of living with my dear friend Meg, and it has been so good to spend some time with her before I leave.

On Saturday I head back to the great Northwest to spend some time with my family before I go. It's hard saying goodbye to this place that has become home for the last five years, but I'm so confident that God's taking me to Japan. I will have about a month and a half to prepare to leave for the next year. Right now I'm still waiting on my visa to come through, but I'm starting to get excited for the adventure. A couple weeks ago I found out that I will be teaching Language Arts for the sixth grade and high school students at Grace, and I'm really excited for that. I also discovered that I have about three contacts not too far from where I'll be. A high school friend is teaching not far from Tokyo, a college friend is moving back to Tokyo, and Shota, my Japanese exchange brother is in the area. God's already provided people for me.

Keep me in your prayers as I say my goodbyes and prepare for a year in a place I've never been. It'd also be great if my visa would go through so I could get my plane ticket.