It's complicated

A friend sent me a link to a talk on preparing the church for suffering (http://vimeo.com/10959675) and suggested I watch it because it was interesting. The man talks about how many people in the Western church are not taught how to deal with suffering in a Biblical way. It was an interesting talk. After I watched it I got to thinking about a conference I attended while I was at Biola. The conference was on racial reconciliation and the seminar was on the theology of suffering and celebration. I remembered listen to the speaker and gaining a new perspective on the topic. So I looked up the guy, Soong-chan Rah, and have started to listen through the sessions again (part 1 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=390; part 2 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=397; part 3 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=402). I have only made it through the first part of the talk, but have yet to continue on as I found I needed some time to really absorb the ideas from the first part (probably should wait to write this blog based on that, but oh well, you get the "I'm still processing" version). Basically Soong-chan Rah is suggesting that to fully understand God and his kingdom we need both the perspective of living in suffering and living in celebration. He gives the example of how a person views heaven, and suggests that an affluent 16 year old female might think of heaven as a place that has the good things of earth in abundance while a 16 year old female living in poverty in a war torn country would likely think of heaven as being a place that is drastically different from earth, hardly resembling what she knows of this world at all. Rah then goes on to say that when you look at the Biblical view of heaven it is some sort of combination of both. Rah also talks about characteristics of God in light of suffering and celebration and even points to the Psalms as the psalmists speak of different qualities of God depending on whether they are lamenting or rejoicing. When we are living in celebration we tend to think of God as more nurturing and having more typically feminine qualities while someone living in suffering may view God in a more typically masculine sense being strong and powerful. Really God is all the above.

Rah’s discussion moved in and out of a theology of suffering and how it all connects to diversity. When we are part of churches that are mostly homogeneous we tend to get a view that leans more in one direction. The U.S. is made up predominately of homogeneous churches. You really ought to just listen to the sessions because my summary doesn’t do the issue justice as it is quite complex, but it just got me thinking. While much of the discussion is about suffering and celebration the discussion is also about racial tension and the need for reconciliation, but how certain races dominate Christianity in western culture, particularly the Christianity that gets public attention. Again, you ought to listen because I have yet to put my thoughts together on everything that is presented and so instead you will get my initial response without a decent summary of ideas that were presented.

Right now I’m reading a book with my sixth graders. It is called, Esperanza Rising, and is a favorite of mine. The book is about a 13 year old girl who had grown up on a vineyard in Mexico. The story takes places around the time of the Mexican Revolution and this results in the death of the girl’s father. Through a series of events, the girl is forced from extreme wealth into poverty and travels with her mother and former servants to work in the US. As the story continues you see the girl struggle to understand what it is to live in poverty and try to grasp the worldview of those around her who grew up in poverty rather than in wealth. You can hardly blame her for her ignorance, but she constantly has to deal with it. Initially she is hardly aware of her ignorance but it is constantly brought to her attention through various encounters. She has no way of dealing with her ignorance without it being brought to her attention, but that process is humiliating and so she tries to avoid it.

Rah talks about how whites tend to not like to talk about power. We shy away from it, really because we have it and don’t want to admit it. So here I am faced with the reality that I was born into privilege. I want to be a part of racial reconciliation and I want to understand, but like the girl from the story, my worldview and upbringing has made me a bit ignorant. I find this difficult because my background has shaped who I am, and while I grew up as a part of a group that offered me privilege based on my race, I also see the need to have this change. Lately what I find most difficult is that being the white person, in my efforts to bring about change, I almost magnify the problem. For example, Rah talks about how justice has become in vogue, but the thing is believers that are minorities have been dealing with issues related to justice for a very long time, but more recently some more prominent white Christians have jumped on the justice wagon and that is what made it in vogue. Now you can get your undies in a bunch and make excuses for how that isn’t true or whatever, but the thing is, I see his point. I also remember a Latino friend speaking up at a dialogue on racial reconciliation and mentioning something about how to have power in issues related to racial reconciliation it is beneficial to have white folks on your side speaking up, as if they must give you credibility which just shows the depth of the issues. The thing is, I’m the white person that wants to be a part of the change, but I want to do so graciously, in such a way the gives power and dignity to my minority brothers and sisters in the church, and even those not in the church.

It is all so very complicated. When I try to piece it together I’m left feeling a bit confused and sometimes rather helpless. Today as I was contemplating my return to the states and my desire to be a part of positive change, especially within the church body, as we ought to be an example, I got to thinking that maybe what it is really about is humility. The best way I can serve my brothers and sisters is by walking in humility, and becoming a part of diverse communities of believers where I can just learn and observe and love. I want to pursue justice for all people, racial minorities, low-income families, immigrants, people with disabilities, and I can't help that in some cases my desire to be involved in seeking justice is a bit painful for those that as a group have been doing so for decades, but I can do so out of an attitude of humility.

All I wanted was a whiteboard eraser.

A couple days ago I took a trip to the store with my friend Drew. Our classes are in desperate need of new white board erasers and we thought it might be nice to get in a little bike ride as well. So we hopped on our bikes and headed for the home goods store about 25 min away. This store is huge and has a little bit of everything from lumber to puppies. We took our time browsing and then decided we really ought to find the erasers. Upon entering the stationary section we noticed an older Japanese man who walked to the end of the aisle at about the same time we entered it. Moments later this man yelled something down the way. Neither of us were paying too much attention, assuming he was simply yelling for a family member. But the yelling continued and he got a more irritated sound in his voice. After no one had responded to his first few yells he looks directly at Drew and yells something with such intense anger that Drew walks over very close to me and we decide we ought to relocate. So as we walk toward the other end of the aisle he yells again and Drew then tells me, "he thinks we are spies." We both give a nervous laugh and continue to walk away from this crazy man. (You may want to note that no one around us is responding in any way to this scene.) We exit the aisle and start walking left, and the man walks parallel to us and continues his angry yells and accusations of us being spies. So we attempt to lose the man and walk to the back of the store, near the tables that have heaters under them to keep you warm. It appeared that we had lost the crazy man. We spent a couple minutes in the back of the store, in a bit of shock, commenting to each other about the absurdity of the situation. Figuring the crazy man must have moved on to complete his shopping, we move toward the front of the store, constantly looking over our shoulders and peeking around corners as we go. To prove the point that indeed, we are not spies...we were unsuccessful at being inconspicuous and were spotted again by the crazy man who again pointed and yelled in fury. This motivated us to move very quickly back to the back of the store. After cowering by the bedding section for a while we decided we really should attempt an escape and this time were successful at making it to the cashier and exit without being spotted, although we had no erasers in hand. It was quite the interesting visit, being incredibly odd, quite frightening, and also very funny.

This incident did leave me thinking a bit about racism. The last 4 years of my life God has shown me a lot about how racism is still quite present in the states and is ever so present among Christians. I have begun to see how my thought processes were influenced by growing up in a society that really still favors white middle/upper class in many ways. My heart has been opened to see the need for those who follow Christ, to come along side one another and support and encourage those of all races in such a way that truly allows us to be one body of Christ. I have realized that I can not simply not be racist, I must be willing speak against those who are. But there is a part of me that knows that while I can sympathize with my "minority" brothers and sisters, I can never truly empathize. I grew up white in a safe suburban neighborhood with an intact family receiving a middle class income.

When I first got to Japan I heard about how the Japanese love to have tourists, but aren't too keen on more permanent foreigners. They are polite, but not necessarily welcoming. It occurred to me that here I might have opportunities to gain a better understanding of being a minority. Now I imagine it would be quite different if I lived here for 20 years and was still having people treat me like a stupid gaijin (foreigner), but at this point I find myself realizing that I will never truly understand what it is to face systematic and personal racism.

I got stopped on my bike by the police once because I'm white. It was when I had first come to Japan and I was a new foreign face in the neighborhood. But aside from arriving to my destination a few minutes later than if I had not been stopped, I was not really even inconvenienced. The officer was incredibly polite and seemed genuinely curious about who I was and why I was in Japan. The other day I got in line to wait for a train and the girl in front of me (the only other person in line) switched to a different longer line moments after I stood behind her. There was an open seat by me on a fairly crowded train and a couple friends who got on the train clearly had a difficult time deciding who ought to sit by me and who would sit in the seat across the way. I clearly made them feel uncomfortable, and not until I closed me eyes, pretending to doze, becoming a less threatening person, did any of them sit down by me. I got angrily accused of being a spy and no person intervened. But I still will never understand. You see in all these situations, there was no doubt in my mind that I am a valuable person. For 23 years of life my family, friends, classmates, and society have communicated to me that I have worth, I am intelligent, and I am worthy of respect. I have always been taught that I am just as good and capable as any other person. Heck, I grew up in Portland so I was taught that I'm not even limited by being female. So when someone calls me a spy with such an intense anger I don't doubt he may come after me, I never doubt my worth or my significance in the world. It rolls off all the years of positive messages and is left as a funny, yet adrenaline increasing experience in my mind.

I never will really understand. Part of me almost wanted to have this crazy man convince the security guards that I was a danger, so that I would be unjustly taken in and then treated unfairly etc etc so that maybe I could taste a bit of what it is to live out being discriminated against because of my race, but then again, that would have been incredibly scary and I'm very very grateful that was not the ending, and even then I'm not sure I would have understood what it is to live under racism daily. I never will be able to understand. Even when people treat me as a stupid foreigner it's something like, "oh wow... she can use chopsticks? how did she ever acquire such a difficult Japanese skill?" I don't know what it is to have to prove myself when applying for a job simply because I'm black. I don't know what it is to have people accuse me of being an illegal immigrant and taking American's jobs, because I am Latina. I don't know what it is to have someone call me names and tell me I'm a horrible criminal because I'm Latina and my family chose to escape the poverty or maybe even war in a native country and come to America. I don't know what it is to be the nameless "other" on the survey box as an Asian, or to have people assume my intelligence or interests based on my race. I don't know what it is to have police or FBI frequent my restaurant, "checking in" because my family is Middle Eastern. I will never understand. I want to be a voice of compassion, reconciliation, change, unity....but I am the face of those who persecute and I grew up being the favored "majority." I will never really understand, and I can't blame the minorities for fearing to place their trust in me.