Freedom and Obedience

When I was 17, I remember being on the plane flying back to the U.S. from London after a summer long mission with Royal Servants. I sat next to one of my teammates and told them that I didn't ever want to become complacent. I feared settling into the typical American lifestyle and just getting comfortable, unwilling to follow God into the unknown or risky. At the time, I didn't have a clue the journey God would take me on out of my desire to follow Him. That's not to say it's been easy. Each time God directs or redirects, my faith grows as I see His faithfulness yet again, but there is certainly a laying down of one's own will in the midst of it.

I've been wanting to write about what God's taught me about obedience for some time now, but it is so deep in my heart I find it really difficult to articulate in anyway that makes sense outside of my own head. I'm quite confident that one of the greatest gifts that God gave me when I was in Japan, was teaching me that there is freedom in obedience. Freedom. I had had no idea. I always assumed that obedience felt like bondage.

This lesson took a year of experiences that were lessons in dying to myself. (And they continue still.) It sounds painful. It is. The thing is, though, that when Jesus said that we must die to ourselves to be alive in Him, He meant it. I thought being alive in myself was good enough, but it turns out, being alive in Christ is unexplainably better.

We never know what the future holds. The idea that I can plan a better life, or even day rather than letting the all-knowing God plan it for me is really quite silly. You see, if I believe that my God loves me and He knows the beginning to the end, past, present, and future, then it would only make sense that I'd follow His direction instead of my own. When I obey the things He tells me to do, I never have to worry. This isn't because things aren't hard or challenging, it's simply because if my loving God told me to do it, it is therefore better than any alternative thing I could have done. He knows everything and has my best in mind. I can know that even if what I am going through is really difficult, there is something about it that is better for me or those around me than if I had done something else. I don't have this guarantee if I try to follow my own way.

Hmm, this is frustrating...I genuinely don't know how to explain the things God has put in my heart about this all. Maybe I can give you an example. I guess I can start with that which God used to really start teaching this to me.

Three years ago I moved to Japan. None of it made sense. I'd never considered even visiting Japan, I thought I wanted to teach in a secular urban setting but really was questioning if I wanted to teach at all, and I would be working at a tiny private Christian school. I knew no one there. I wouldn't be making much money. Etc. etc. The only thing I knew was that something in my spirit felt that God was telling me to move to Japan. It was simply a matter of obedience (not to say there wasn't a part of me that was excited for an adventure). So I obeyed. I couldn't see how any part of it connected to the other passions God had put in my heart. What I knew was that if God said it, it was better than the plans I could've made. Turns out the year allowed me space to rest, provided friendships that were of a caliber that completely transformed the way I view friendships and relationships, and provided space to be with God in a way that I hadn't made time or space to do in the past. I didn't even know I needed those things before I left, and hardly recognized them happening while I was there, but they have changed the rest of my life. I don't do life the same any more. They were preparation for all the other things God has for me.

As I was in Japan I rested in the confidence that God brought me there and didn't try to figure out the whys. That's part of the freedom of obedience to God. If I plan, I have to figure out why I'm doing each thing, but if I follow what God's said, I can simply trust His instruction, goodness, and faithfulness.

One more example and then I'll just trust that whatever it was you were supposed to grasp as you read this, you did.

While I was in Japan I had a friendship that was unique. Just the way it all turned out, my friend and I both recognized that we needed to only be friends to the capacity God instructed. It was one of the most impactful friendships I've ever had. I knew that I had to hold onto it loosely and allow God to direct however He wished because there was too great a possibility of me messing things up if I tried to take control or hold on too tightly. I didn't trust myself with it. The cool thing was that because I sought God in it, I was free to be friends in the way God directed and not worry about anything because I know God is trustworthy. It also allowed for the friendship to be seasonal (this is something else God's taught me about throughout my life as He's shown me that often He places people in our lives for seasons for specific reasons and it's ok that they are only seasonal). It allowed me to not grieve when I moved back to the States, and let the friendship dissolve in many ways as I felt God told me it was seasonal (not to say we don't stay in touch a bit, but it's much different from when I was in Japan). I was and am free because God has shown me that He is trustworthy and when I obey Him I have nothing to worry about. He loves me so much.

I hope that made a little sense. Dying to myself is hard. When I was in Japan my journal was filled with entries where I'd note something "a lesson in dying to myself." God constantly asked to have things that I wanted to hold onto and asked me to just trust Him. Every single time I obeyed, He was faithful. It get's a little easier to trust after seeing so many times of faithfulness, but it's taken a lot of initial risk to find out my God really is as faithful as the Bible promises.

Sunburns in October

It was beautiful day yesterday, but a bit warm for October. Starting out in jeans, shoes, and sweatshirt quickly turned into jeans, sandals, and tank top and that was still a bit warm for the blazing sun! Anyway, aside from that and the mild sunburn I got, it was a wonderful day. I got kidnapped for a birthday day yesterday morning by my dear friend Meg and taken to the beach to talk, pray, and be with Jesus. Was an excellent start to the day. We sat together on the beach dreaming of the things God has for us as we reflected on His incredible faithfulness to us thus far. Even in our very friendship, His goodness is so clearly displayed. When I first met her I never really believed we'd stay life-long friends, but God has blessed us as He's changed each one of us so significantly in the last couple years and drawn us together to a relationship that seems most accurately described as a Jonathan and David sort of relationship. I am so grateful, there aren't even words, God has blessed me so much! The day went on with a picnic in the park with some more friends God has blessed me with, a time of blessings, and the night finished off with an awesome event called Rhetoric, where a bunch of spoken word artists share their stuff. Such a good day.

I was thinking though about birthday blessings. It's a tradition among our group of friends to share things we appreciate and then things we pray blessing of over the birthday person. This year I found myself humbled as people shared at birthday blessing and also in cards I was given. It is only by God's grace that people can share the way they see God in me, and the way God has used me in their lives. I am thankful for the blessings spoken over me, but there was also an unspoken blessing behind it all -- the blessing of being used by God. I realized that God has already and continues to bless me in such a huge way as He allows me to speak into people's lives. It is such a great privilege to share God's love and truth and then hear your friends talk about the ways you've impacted them. I am so humbled. I love them all so much and they have so greatly impacted my life that I'm just totally humbled to hear them share things that I've meant to them. Truly, it is only by God's grace. It is only because of what He has put in me. It is only because of the freedom He's given me, the prayers he's answered, the truths He's confirmed to me, that I have anything to offer or any love to give. It's a bit weird to be acknowledged for things that were only gifts given to me. It's nothing of myself. I am so grateful. God is so very very good to me.

Thank you all for such a lovely birthday celebration, and for being such wonderful friends!

To Him be All the Glory!

It's my birthday today and I'm reminded of how faithful my God is. I think back to my birthday a year ago. I hadn't been back in the states for very long, was just really getting into Solidarity and getting to know the new friends God had surrounded me with. A year later I'm quite simply, overwhelmed by God's goodness. Each time I think I know His love, each time I think I've experienced His blessings, healing, and freedom, He shows me more. His is infinite and graciously takes me from glory to glory. So for all He has done I give Him praise. Here is to say thank you my loving Heavenly Father for all the blessings of the past year.

He has:
- Freed me from hurts and things that restricted me from experiencing Him more fully with out me even realizing those things had been there hindering me.
- Healed me of food allergies by the power of Jesus.
- Given me a love for time spent with Him.
- Surrounded me with amazing people who encourage each other as we all seek to know His heart.
- Provided for me, and freed me to do what He's asked me to even though it doesn't look like I have a typical job.
- Poured into me so fully that springs of living water have gone through me to the people He has put in my life.
- Freed me from lies of fear and rejection.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! In Him I find my joy, my peace, my strength, my purpose. Blessed be His name!

Thank you Lord for the things you have done and all You have planned for the future.

The Lord is Good!

I’ve been smiling all week because of God’s faithfulness and love in His healing. Tonight I began to realize an even deeper level of that. I was sitting at dinner with some friends and a couple of them hadn’t heard much about what had happened so they were asking about it and as I began to recall what had happened on Tuesday during prayer, some of the others who had been there were telling parts of the story. My friend Diego mentioned how I had said that I wanted to be prayed for for healing because I was ready and had the faith to receive it, and I stopped him to correct him. I told him that wasn’t how it happened. I tried to explain my thought process and how I didn’t feel like I did have enough faith so I intentionally didn’t say that because I knew once we prayed for my healing I had to have faith to walk in that healing or I’d be calling God a liar considering I felt that He’d been revealing to me in His word that his will is healing. Diego wouldn’t hear it, he kept saying that that wasn’t what I said, that he was certain what he heard was me say that I had faith to be healed. We finally arrived at the recognition that, indeed, that is what he heard, but that was not what I said.

Diego was so certain, and heard me so clearly, that his thoughts were filled with excitement as he’d been one of a small group of people waiting for me to be ready to receive healing. His immediate response to me Tuesday was “finally” followed by prayer declaring healing over my body. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit spoke to him, having him hear something different from what I said, knowing that just as Diego heard me say I had enough faith, that really The Holy Spirit knew I did, but the cool thing was that for those who heard me say what I’d actually said, they were praying for my faith to increase, so any lack I had was being filled. The Lord knew I needed that extra shove into a walk of faith. He knew that my friends wouldn’t pray as boldly had they believed I didn’t yet have the faith to receive healing. The Holy Spirit allowed me to have that extra shove into a walk of faith, friends boldly praying over me for healing, and friends praying for increased faith all at the same time. It was the combination I needed to receive the healing that Jesus was offering. I continue to be in awe of God’s love for me. He loves me, oh how He loves me!

“In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I will request of the Father on your behalf; for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father.” John 16:26-27 (NASB)

Faith is Increasing

This morning I woke up with the tune of the song that goes, “I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten, God knows my name,” playing in my head, except the lyrics were, “I will not be broken, I will not be broken, I will not be broken, God knows my name.” It started yesterday, and at first I didn’t realized the lyrics in my head weren’t the normal lyrics, but then I stopped a moment and realized what the words were. I’ve had a number of times in my life when the Holy Spirit has put songs in my mind that once I recognize the song I’m almost subconsciously singing, I can see that God is speaking to me about something that is happening in my life at that time. Yesterday, the lyrics were a declaration of the healing God has just performed in my body. My body is not broken. I am healed.

Almost two years ago I was tested for food allergies, and discovered that there were very few things that I could eat that my body would react to. I had allergies to gluten, eggs, dairy, soy, nuts, and pineapple. Over the last two years I quit eating those things and quickly saw a difference in how I felt. I was able to recognize the reaction my body would have when I would eat those things, or even eat a very small amount of them without realizing it.

Recently I have gone through a process of recognizing God’s power more and more and have come to believe that he wants to heal people. Even so there was this disconnect between other people and myself. Eventually I realized that part of it was an idea that God wasn’t going to heal me from food allergies because my reaction isn’t very visible to other people, so I didn’t think it would bring Him that much glory if I was healed because others would just have to take my word for it, and I wasn’t sure they would. There came a point where God showed me that he wanted to heal me because he loves me. Even with that realization I still couldn’t bring myself to receive the healing He was offering. Every so often my friends would comment that I needed to be healed, and in my mind I would think, “yeah, you’re right, eventually I’ll get there.”

So yesterday I went to Euclid House prayer and near the end we started asking if anyone had things they wanted prayer for. It was about 8am, the time I would normally head out, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me I needed to ask for prayer. So I stayed, but I kept thinking about what to say because I came to the point of realizing that if God is real, and if I believe what he says than I actually have to believe Him and walk it out. I couldn’t muster the courage to ask for prayer to be healed because I knew I had to fully walk in faith and not doubt if I did. So I finally told the group that I believed God could heal, but hadn’t been able to receive healing for myself. I love my friends. They just took my confession that I haven’t been able to receive healing, and they surrounded me, laid hands on me and declared God’s healing of my food allergies. As they prayed I knew that if I believe God to be who He says, then I had to agree with them and then walk as one healed.

After prayer we ate pancakes. For the first time in two years I ate a pancake. I let only declarations about healing come out of my mouth and I ate that pancake believing I was healed. Pre-healed Sara would have felt immediately sick and lethargic after eating a pancake, full of wheat, eggs, and milk, but I felt fine. Later I put milk in my coffee and ate a little cheesecake thing my friend had made, and I felt fine, because I am healed. Jesus healed me. What’s even better is that not only did He heal me from reactions I have when I eat those things, He also healed me from the everyday, not so great feeling that I didn’t even realize I had. When you’re allergic to as many things as I was allergic to, you get small quantities of them without even realizing it. I didn’t even recognize that overall I hadn’t been feeling very good until now, having been healed and feeling even better.

I feel like God is teaching me what it is to have faith. I thought I had faith before, but in the last few weeks He has shown me that I spoke of faith, and at moments I exercised it, but I didn’t really walk a life of faith. I think many Christians talk about faith, but we will only have faith in things that we can picture how they would happen. God’s ways are higher. He can do far beyond what we can even imagine. If I don’t believe God for those things and walk in a lifestyle of faith, what’s the point? That is where I’m at right now. It’s a little nerve racking because if I believe God for things that He will have to do the supernatural for, that means that my worldly mind would suggest it’s possible I will be disappointed and they won’t happen. But if I allow myself to let that keep me from exercising faith for things that are supernatural, then what is the point in following God at all, I’m no better off than if He weren’t my God. I have to choose to believe.

Refocusing

It's been about a month now since I've been back in California. Yet again I see God's faithfulness and wonder why I ever bothered or bother to fear what is in store. Japan was such a blessing in how God provided for me that it was difficult to leave. While there I not only had a strong community, but I felt that God really just worked on me and my heart. I know that he is always transforming us, but it seemed as though he spent my time in Japan to just totally form my heart and mind. While I'm not entirely certain of why God took me to Japan, outside of where he seemed to be directing me prior to Japan, I believe that a big part of it was to take me so far away from what was normal and take me out of the business I had been experiencing to just hear from him and return more intentionally. I knew when I got back to the states I didn't want to just ease into my same comfortable life that I was living before, I wanted to come back totally focused on serving wherever God wanted me.

So here I am. Already I realize that no matter where we are it is easy to lose sight of what God has for us. I have to keep refocusing and checking myself...asking myself if I'm really seeking after God or if I'm just doing what seems to me like a good "godly" thing to do. It's funny though, because God isn't letting me get too far from having my focus on him. Every time I start to have a wrong mindset he does something to remind me.

When I was preparing for my return I began to apply for teaching positions. The life I pictured myself living involved investing in the community I'm living in and also teaching at a school that is underprivileged. Before I had gone to Japan I was told of a couple teaching opportunities and encouraged by administrators and personnel to apply for them. I didn't understand it at the time. Why would God put these opportunities before me when I was already headed for Japan. After sending out over 25 applications and only hearing back from a hand-full, all rejections, I began to understand. God is totally capable of giving me a full-time teaching position, but he has chosen not to. So I recognize that he has a different idea of what I'll be doing here and I have a lot of peace about substitute teaching this year and having the time and flexibility that comes with it, but last week God kind of checked in on me to see if I was really recognizing what he was doing.

I had a phone call last Tuesday from a principal in a district where I had put in an application for a high school position. She said they had a middle school opening (my age preference) and wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. I told her yes, of course. I was immediately excited about this possibility. It was the district where I had done student teaching, not exactly underprivileged, but I was familiar with the curriculum, the school, and would be able to work on getting the next level of my teaching credential. However, I quickly realized what the job would actually mean. Quick preparation for the school year starting a week later, long days of work, 140 students, hours of prep-time and grading,etc. etc. I wouldn't have the time I'd recently been envisioning to become more a part of the community I live in. I started questioning if the job was really something I should consider. To make a long story short, after a lot of prayer, a number of conversations with different people and a roller coaster of emotions I came to realize that even if I was offered the job, I'd have to turn it down. I began to pray for rejection...haha. I'm thankful that school started today and I never heard back after the interview. You must understand how ridiculous this is. Right now, no teacher in their right mind would turn down a teaching position. Coming to that decision was a process and I think that's why the whole thing happened the way it did. Now I get to go into this year intentionally. I'm not subbing because I'm waiting for a full-time position and it's just an in between, I'm subbing because it's what I should be doing right now, because it is giving me a blessing of time. I don't quite know how to explain all of it, but I'm thankful for the way God has allowed me to process through what I'm doing.

The Godly Woman

I have also been realizing lately that there are aspects of my identity as a Christian woman that I didn't realize... That didn't make a lot of sense so let me explain. While I was in Japan there came a point where I had a bit of an identity crisis. I had never been around a lot of Christians that really blatantly believed that woman and men have very distinct roles in the church and life, at least not Christians that I respected. While I was in Japan, I encountered a few and it threw me for a loop. I grew up in liberal Portland, in a loving Christian family that just didn't hold those views. Eventually I came to the conclusion, for a second time, that I didn't need to have the women/men thing figured out, I just needed to seek Jesus and trust him in what he's asked me to be a part of and do. I need to simply find my identity in being a chosen one of God, in being his servant.

Well, since being back I have worked through some other ideas that I didn't even realize had crept into my life. In many ways God has brought me through a process of gaining confidence in just being his. I feel he has been setting me free to live more focused on him and more secure in him. I've had a couple experiences after getting back where I realized that somewhere along the way, growing up in Christian culture, that I am not always free to love and be loved by my brothers in the church. Through some interesting conversations and experiences I realized that I believe many in the church are bound by paranoia that creeps in as we are inadvertently taught to fear relationships as brothers and sisters in the church. Instead of some recognizing that on an individual level they need to be careful and give only the Christian side hug, it is taught that that is the only safe hug to give. We are taught to fear how spiritually intimate we get with someone and as a result we are hardly even free to pray for one another, bearing each others burdens. Friendships are therefore made difficult as pressures of marriage are silently placed upon them by the Christian society because of these ideas that first one cannot really be simply just friends, and two if you are good friends then why not just go for it and be a couple because all Christians ought to get married. I am probably taking this to a bit of an extreme but I'm just realizing that this is how I have experienced Christian culture. This does not apply to all Christians or all churches, but I would argue that the ideas are not uncommon, and I think that because of them, we really miss out on gaining from each other both insight and just a familial kind of loving support. And then there is the idea of the role of women that I didn't even realize I had been effected by until I heard comments that I realized I'd never heard before.

While in university I received a few messages. One was that I was just as capable as any other, male or female, and the second was that while I was just as capable, as a Christian woman, I probably wanted to get a good education, but really deep down I just want to get married and have children. Now the truth is, I have come to realize that indeed I do really want to get married, but I'm in no hurry and I genuinely believe that I'll be just fine if God has something else in mind for my life. I won't feel like any less of a person. But I do believe that it is totally possible that a Christian lady could choose to not get married or have kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. However, when a professor made the comment to me that I ought to continue on to a PhD and how working for a university is great and gives a lot of flexibility if I chose to have a family or if I chose to be single and travel, I was taken back. Other than from my Dad, I had never her a Christian man suggest that a woman might choose something other than marriage. This was an interesting realization, but an even more shocking realization I had was yesterday. I went to listen and support a friend that was speaking at a university's chapel. He's someone that I respect as a person that really desires to honor God and grow closer to God. He was speaking on identity and at one point he said that there was a story in the Bible that he really resonated with. He then shared the story of Mary and Martha and said that he resonated with Martha in this story as she was really a doer and Mary was more able to just be. Now the message itself was good, but what struck me was that as he compared himself to Martha I realized that in all my years of being a Christian that is the first time I have ever heard a man compare himself to a woman in the Bible. I certainly have heard women talk about how they resonate with a man in the Bible and I think nothing of this, I do it myself, I think the Bible is more meant to talk about the hearts of the people in it than anything else, but I have never heard a Christian man compare himself to the heart of a woman in the Bible or her character. I just found this awareness interesting. I'm not sure if it's necessarily a bad thing, I'm still processing through it. I do believe though, that in some respects, we have things a little distorted, but thankfully our God is a gracious God and he continues to grant us wisdom and insight to see him more clearly.

adjusting - the little things

For the most part I feel like God's favor has been on me as I've been adjusting back to life in the States. It's kind of funny though how some things remind me of Japan or make me miss it.

This morning my friend poured me a "mug" of coffee. I'm telling you, everything is smaller in Japan - doorways, mugs, houses, clothes, people, streets, cars - and this morning I felt like I was drinking coffee out of a soup bowl, actually I think this cup is bigger than the miso soup bowls they serve in Japan.

I enjoy the feeling of being in the midst of a conversation that isn't in English. Being back these conversations are usually Spanish rather than Japanese. I like the feeling of having to try to figure out what is being said, understanding words here and there and just observing body language and context. It's this odd challenge that I like. I do miss hearing the sounds of the Japanese language though. Whenever I'm around Asian people that aren't speaking English I get a little excited hoping they'll be speaking Japanese, but I've yet to over hear a Japanese conversation, I guess most of the Asians around me are Korean. Oh well. I do love the diversity of Southern California.

I've had some free time since I've been back here and I've been loving that some of my friends have had some as well, which has meant random hangouts and adventures. This makes me think of and miss Japan. I mostly miss the friends I ventured with there and the new places we'd go, but I also miss things like the trains to get us there, rather than the hours of LA traffic. Everywhere seems so far when you have to drive. In Japan everywhere I went involved either walking, biking, or a train, which somehow made things feel closer. Pretty much all of my friends lived only minutes away so spontaneous hangouts were easy to plan and I was never lacking someone to talk to. These are things that I miss about my life in Japan. But I am fully enjoying getting into the swing of my new life here.