Spirit Week

Pajama Day...
Crazy hair day...

It is the last week of school at Grace Christian International School. When Ashley suggested a fun backward themed day we all jumped on board and declared a spirit week for our final time with the students. Today students came in walking backward with their uniforms on backward. We set up the chairs for chapel facing the back of the room and have had quite a lot of fun making as many things backward as we can think of. Personally I came to work with my shirt and jacket on backward and my hair pinned the opposite direction as usual. I'm thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to let my inner crazy teacher out...actually my students would probably tell you that it's not an inner crazy so much as an outer crazy...haha. I have fun. The spirit week will continue with a crazy hat/hair day, pajama day, and imitate a teacher day.

As the school year comes to a close I find myself with very mixed feelings. While the year has had its challenges, and I've had to adjust to a totally different teaching setting from what I'm used to, I am so thankful for the way that God has allowed me to be a part of my students' lives. Today I had the students write evaluations for me, and they were kind enough to offer suggestions for future classes, but I was also so encouraged by positive comments they made, showing me that indeed, God has used me to be a blessing in their lives. Not only have they learned skills and ideas related to Language Arts, but their characters have been impacted throughout the year. I will certainly miss my students.

When the school year is over that will put me at only 39 days of Japan left. I can't believe it. I feel like time has flown by, but I also feel like I've been here for ages and there is a certain familiar feel to life that will be missed when I leave. I can't wait to be back with some of my friends in the states, and am looking forward to eating Mexican food, sitting in a coffee shop with a book, and laying out on the beach, but I will miss the friends I have made here, the river near my house, the easily obtained sushi, and the feeling of accomplishment after successful communication to someone who can't speak English.

It's complicated

A friend sent me a link to a talk on preparing the church for suffering (http://vimeo.com/10959675) and suggested I watch it because it was interesting. The man talks about how many people in the Western church are not taught how to deal with suffering in a Biblical way. It was an interesting talk. After I watched it I got to thinking about a conference I attended while I was at Biola. The conference was on racial reconciliation and the seminar was on the theology of suffering and celebration. I remembered listen to the speaker and gaining a new perspective on the topic. So I looked up the guy, Soong-chan Rah, and have started to listen through the sessions again (part 1 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=390; part 2 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=397; part 3 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=402). I have only made it through the first part of the talk, but have yet to continue on as I found I needed some time to really absorb the ideas from the first part (probably should wait to write this blog based on that, but oh well, you get the "I'm still processing" version). Basically Soong-chan Rah is suggesting that to fully understand God and his kingdom we need both the perspective of living in suffering and living in celebration. He gives the example of how a person views heaven, and suggests that an affluent 16 year old female might think of heaven as a place that has the good things of earth in abundance while a 16 year old female living in poverty in a war torn country would likely think of heaven as being a place that is drastically different from earth, hardly resembling what she knows of this world at all. Rah then goes on to say that when you look at the Biblical view of heaven it is some sort of combination of both. Rah also talks about characteristics of God in light of suffering and celebration and even points to the Psalms as the psalmists speak of different qualities of God depending on whether they are lamenting or rejoicing. When we are living in celebration we tend to think of God as more nurturing and having more typically feminine qualities while someone living in suffering may view God in a more typically masculine sense being strong and powerful. Really God is all the above.

Rah’s discussion moved in and out of a theology of suffering and how it all connects to diversity. When we are part of churches that are mostly homogeneous we tend to get a view that leans more in one direction. The U.S. is made up predominately of homogeneous churches. You really ought to just listen to the sessions because my summary doesn’t do the issue justice as it is quite complex, but it just got me thinking. While much of the discussion is about suffering and celebration the discussion is also about racial tension and the need for reconciliation, but how certain races dominate Christianity in western culture, particularly the Christianity that gets public attention. Again, you ought to listen because I have yet to put my thoughts together on everything that is presented and so instead you will get my initial response without a decent summary of ideas that were presented.

Right now I’m reading a book with my sixth graders. It is called, Esperanza Rising, and is a favorite of mine. The book is about a 13 year old girl who had grown up on a vineyard in Mexico. The story takes places around the time of the Mexican Revolution and this results in the death of the girl’s father. Through a series of events, the girl is forced from extreme wealth into poverty and travels with her mother and former servants to work in the US. As the story continues you see the girl struggle to understand what it is to live in poverty and try to grasp the worldview of those around her who grew up in poverty rather than in wealth. You can hardly blame her for her ignorance, but she constantly has to deal with it. Initially she is hardly aware of her ignorance but it is constantly brought to her attention through various encounters. She has no way of dealing with her ignorance without it being brought to her attention, but that process is humiliating and so she tries to avoid it.

Rah talks about how whites tend to not like to talk about power. We shy away from it, really because we have it and don’t want to admit it. So here I am faced with the reality that I was born into privilege. I want to be a part of racial reconciliation and I want to understand, but like the girl from the story, my worldview and upbringing has made me a bit ignorant. I find this difficult because my background has shaped who I am, and while I grew up as a part of a group that offered me privilege based on my race, I also see the need to have this change. Lately what I find most difficult is that being the white person, in my efforts to bring about change, I almost magnify the problem. For example, Rah talks about how justice has become in vogue, but the thing is believers that are minorities have been dealing with issues related to justice for a very long time, but more recently some more prominent white Christians have jumped on the justice wagon and that is what made it in vogue. Now you can get your undies in a bunch and make excuses for how that isn’t true or whatever, but the thing is, I see his point. I also remember a Latino friend speaking up at a dialogue on racial reconciliation and mentioning something about how to have power in issues related to racial reconciliation it is beneficial to have white folks on your side speaking up, as if they must give you credibility which just shows the depth of the issues. The thing is, I’m the white person that wants to be a part of the change, but I want to do so graciously, in such a way the gives power and dignity to my minority brothers and sisters in the church, and even those not in the church.

It is all so very complicated. When I try to piece it together I’m left feeling a bit confused and sometimes rather helpless. Today as I was contemplating my return to the states and my desire to be a part of positive change, especially within the church body, as we ought to be an example, I got to thinking that maybe what it is really about is humility. The best way I can serve my brothers and sisters is by walking in humility, and becoming a part of diverse communities of believers where I can just learn and observe and love. I want to pursue justice for all people, racial minorities, low-income families, immigrants, people with disabilities, and I can't help that in some cases my desire to be involved in seeking justice is a bit painful for those that as a group have been doing so for decades, but I can do so out of an attitude of humility.

Sweet Aroma

Every Friday I take a one hour train ride to another part of Tokyo to teach a few English classes. While my Fridays are long, I enjoy them because I have established a nice routine for myself. I finish my Grace classes, head home for a few minutes to gather myself for my other teaching job, catch the train, drown out the sounds around me with my head phones, nap until my ipod alarm wakes me a few minutes before my stop, and arrive in the other part of town about 45minutes early with my book for a period of relaxing where I have nothing to do but read before needing to teach. The lack of coffee shops in Tokyo leads me to sit in McDonalds, like an old woman with her cheap cup of coffee. Today I was looking forward to my McDonalds time and had a new book in hand to start reading but when I approached my usual spot I was suprised to see that McDonalds had closed. Yup, McDonalds, closed. Now if that doesn't say something about the economy I'm not sure what does. Anyway, this completely threw me. My routine was totally messed up and I had no place to plant myself for my extra 45 minutes. There really isn't much in that area aside from Pachinko, some grocery stores, and convenient stores, but I did remember seeing a Coffee sign in a previous exploration so decided to go looking for it.

I found the Coffee sign and decided to brave the little shop. I couldn't tell from the outside if it was the type of place you really sit down in, or if it was a really fancy place, or if I would have to just grab my cup and go, but considering I had no other options I decided I'd give it a shot. So I opened the door and walked it. It was tiny and contained only one table and a bar. There was a kind Japanese woman sitting inside watching TV, but no one else. She looked to me with a bit of surprise and confusion (us foreigners tend to have that effect on people) and then smiled. I wasn't sure what to do so I just used one of the Japanese words I know, coffee (pronounced ko-hi) and added a questioning tone to it. She kind of laughed and motioned for me to come and sit down. She didn't then rush to get me a cup of coffee, instead she stared a moment longer and started talking to me in Japanese. She asked me where I was from and if I understood Japanese. I told her America and no not really, which didn't stop her from continuing the conversation in Japanese after mentioning the difficulty of learning the language. At this point she had moved behind the counter and got me a glass of ice water while continuing to talk to me in Japanese. I didn't understand most of what she said, but was surprised to find that I wasn't completely lost in the conversation. It helped that she didn't seem to mind my lack of understanding and was kind in adding hand motions to much of what she was saying. She learned that I am here teaching and that I live an hour from the area. She told me of her younger sister who lived in Seattle for around 8 years and found the coffee was different than in Japan (which it is...one cup of Seattle coffee is probably equivalent to 3 cups of Japanese coffee). We small talked, and I loved it. She was incredibly kind and I thoroughly enjoyed our disjointed conversation. I drank my $5 dollar cup of Denny's quality coffee, chatted a bit more, and read for a little while before paying with a big smile despite the poor cup of expensive coffee. When I left she bid me farewell with the warmth of a friend, standing close telling me to take care.

I wish I could speak more Japanese. I think I'd like to make her shop a place I frequent. She could be my coffee shop lady that I see every Friday and we tell each other about our weeks. I may return to her shop next week, but unfortunately our talk will be limited. However, I can report to you that my Japanese is improving. I think I have finally come to a point where it's just barely starting to click in my brain. Too bad it has taken ten months and I will be back in the states before I know it.

Travel's Sound

A few days ago I found myself sitting on a train and was overcome by the serene sound that traveling makes. As I sat in the seat I debated on listening to some music, but couldn't bring myself to interrupt the familiar sound of travel. The train moved down the tracks creating a quiet hum. Hushed whispers were shared between fellow passengers. Knowing we'd be on the train for a while, no one felt a need to hurry as they retrieved something from a bag, or engaged in a quiet conversation with a friend. The sounds felt so familiar, reminding me of the long coach rides I spent in Europe and the international flights I've been on.

Last week my friend Drew told Josh and I that he had some extra train tickets and wanted to make a weekend trip to visit some friends in Sendai. The train tickets are cheap tickets that allow you to take as many local trains as you want in one day. I'm not one to pass up any sort of adventure and agreed to go along. On Friday we went straight from work to the train station to catch the 2:38 train. This would allow us about 30 min for dinner and just a little leeway in case a transfer was missed. It was supposed to have us arriving in Sendai at 11:30pm.

The trip started out smoothly. We made is past Tokyo (about 1 or 1.5 hours away) and then we were on a train that traveled through a valley and at one station the train stopped. This is common. Trains stop to pick up passengers and so we just stay on until our stop, but this time when the train stopped the conductor walked through the cars and shooed everyone off. Looking around at fellow passengers it was clear that no one really knew what was going on. We got off the train and stood on the platform waiting to be given the ok to get back on the train. We never got an ok and the train eventually left, empty. We finally started hearing announcements about train delays due to high winds. At this point we weren't too worried because we knew we had a little time to spare and still make the trains. However the delay was excessive and by the time we finally got on the train and made it to our next destination we realized that we were in danger of getting stuck at a station past the time the last train left for Sendai. So at this point we went to talk with the guy at the counter who informed us that indeed we wouldn't make it on the local trains. So we spent some extra money to get tickets for a special express. This in itself was an interesting experience as we kept getting different information and were finally handed tickets that we weren't totally clear on. We were told that we might still get to a station past the last train, but that we could take a taxi that'd be paid for by the JR Line...hmm. We decided to give it a shot.

I always see the nicer express trains and wasn't too upset to be riding one. We also had a few interesting encounters with some drunken Japanese people which added to the excitement of the trip. There was one drunk older woman who was trying to talk to Drew, not making a lot of sense, and offering him candy from a 17th century emperor. That was particularly funny because not only were we amused by the situation, but the usually "to themselves" fellow Japanese passengers were doing all they could to not burst out in laughter as this lady talked to Drew. When she left our train car a group next to us was all laughing. Turned out this was to our advantage because they heard us talking with the conductor about our next transfer and final destination and we got off that train one of the guys who was going to be taking the next train with us, stuck with us to help us out. Turned out the next train was also delayed, but once we were on it, that guy sat with us and spoke to the conductor to make sure that when we got to our next station, he understood we needed to then get to Sendai and may need a taxi. He was a really nice guy.

So we made it to the last train station, but were still about 2 hours from Sendai and there were no longer trains running. We talked with two workers and things got sorted out so that we were able to take a taxi for free. We rode with one other man going to Sendai. No leg of this journey was without it's excitement. As we neared Sendai our cab driver started making comments to the other passenger about how he really didn't know the Sendai area very well. Eventually he saw a police box as he passed it and then promptly put the car in reverse, drove backwards and into the parking lot. He then apologized, hopped out and went to ask for directions. Once he had the directions he got us to the Sendai station without any other issues other than nearly turning into the wrong side of the median.

We made it to Sendai at 1am and then Drew's friend picked us up from there. It was quite the trip. Needless to say, when we came home we chose to take a route that wouldn't pass through the valley where there was the possibility of wind delays.

The weekend trip turned out to be quite a lot of fun. We spent Saturday exploring the area. There are some islands near Sendai, and we took a ferry tour around them. Then we crossed a long foot bridge to one of the islands and hiked around appreciating the scenery. Saturday evening we went into downtown Sendai and looked around a bit. It actually reminded me a lot of Portland. The city and area had a very friendly feel to it. Much less chaotic than Tokyo.

Easter Sunday we spent with Drew's friends at a very small Japanese church. I really enjoyed it despite not being able to understand most of the message. The small group was very friendly. We had the most difficult Easter egg hunt I've ever participated in. Everyone looked for the 24 hidden eggs and it must have taken a good 10 min to find the first three and the following 21 were no easier. Considering the small area they were hidden in we never did find all 24 eggs. The egg hunt was followed by a nice lunch with the church and at one point everyone went around and shared something about how God had blessed them, or something they needed prayer for. This is something I've noticed about Japanese Christians, they don't share away from asking people to share about what God's doing. Although Japanese people can often be a bit reserved, they frequently call church members out to share something about what God's doing. I like this.

Our trip home was uneventful. Today, Monday, I was so tired, but the weekend away was definitely worth it.

Sendai Station...

Me with my Special Express train ticket :)

がんばって

Back when I was in middle school and part way through high school I was really quite reserved. I've never liked to call myself shy, but I was certainly more quiet and reserved than I am now. When it came time to stand in front of the class and give a presentation my nerves always got the best of me. With bright red face, sweaty palms, and rapid speaking I'd make it through. I always knew that really in the long run it didn't matter, but I couldn't convince myself of this enough to really calm down.

Somewhere along the way on this journey toward adulthood, I broke through they shyness. Sure I'm still rather quiet, but I'm not all that shy...I just don't feel the need to fill space with talk all the time. I'm incredibly thankful for how God has changed me to make me less self conscious and more confident. During my last year of undergrad I had to take a communications class. If I had taken that class freshmen year, I would have hated it, but by the time I got around to taking it I realized that one it didn't matter if I made a fool of myself, and two I could do a decent job of speaking in front of people.

Today I somehow reverted to my old self. Japanese class intimidates me like none other. Today we gave speeches in Japanese. When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, it doesn't matter. I will stand confidently before the class and stumble through the Japanese with grace, I am an adult and I no longer have to get nervous about these things. A few hours before class began I lost control of these logical ideas and became incredibly nervous. I had practiced enough to know I could read all the words, but my short two page speech took me nearly 10 minutes to read through! There was a realization that I would be standing in front of a silent class, slowly stumbling through words that some class members could breeze through.

Walking into the classroom I kept reminding myself to take deep breathes, it would be over before I knew it and would have no greater impact on my life. I tried to grasp the fact that it really didn't matter in life even if I completely botched the whole thing and bored the class to death. I sat down at the table and tried to relax. A kind Japanese woman, a teacher, sat next to me and tried to make conversation. Then my Japanese/Spanish speaking friend from church walked in. He doesn't attend class, but his dad does and I guess he came to watch. I couldn't decide if this was good or bad... on the one hand he would witness me working on my Japanese...whenever he asks me what I learned in Japanese class I have no response because I don't have the language skill in Japanese or Spanish to tell him. On the other hand, he would be witness to me stepping into the shoes of a child stumbling through their phonics book. Ashley, Drew, and Josh witness this every Wednesday, and then we talk in English and they are still aware that I'm an intelligent human being. It's humbling when you have no way of demonstrating intelligence through language and there are times when you simply must let whatever assumption about you be what it is.

After a painful waiting period the speeches began. We went around the room and I was near the end. I listened to some speak with ease and others struggle. When it came to me I didn't feel quite as intimidated, but still could not keep my face from flushing a raspberry red, or my hands from shaking my papers. The beginning of my speech went pretty smoothly and then it was simply a matter of forcing myself forward. My mind would start to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, that I'd forget how to pronounce the word, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it and just kept reading regardless of if I said something a bit funny. I made it to the end, sat down, and allowed all my muscles relax into a state of utter exhaustion.

Today I spoke more Japanese than I ever have in my life. I said coherent sentences though I'm not certain of the meaning of some. This was an accomplishment.

Being humbled is healthy. Character building I think. I'm glad I gave the speech, and I think I'm even glad the experience felt so humbling.

My speech!

Our class book of everyone's speeches.

Walking to work in the snow.

Dear Snow,

I am writing to inform you that our relationship has changed. When we were kids I always trusted your gentle flakes. You’d cancel school and gather all my friends to play. Sometimes you’d come for just a minute, to remind me of your beauty and purity, and when you really came for a visit, you’d stay at least one day, but lately I’ve noticed you’ve changed.

This year each time you come, you disappoint me. The first time you came it was like you were taunting me. I walked with you to work that evening and then you just up and left. I figured you’d be back for some more quality time later on, so I didn’t mind cleaning up after you the next morning. The second time you came was worse. Your flakes falling heavy on the wet ground, quickly turning to brown dirty mud. Why’d you even bother? I didn’t even try to hope for a day off from work, playing with you. But this last time was the worst. You were just so darn cold. Last night when you showed up, I didn’t even bother going out. I didn’t bother looking at you. The way you’ve been taunting, I didn’t want to see you, but you stayed outside my door. You called my friends out into your beauty and so I gave in to you once again.

You were so enticing sitting on the trees, covering the dirty ground with your brilliant white, sparkling surface. Last night it was like we were kids again. I was bundled in warmth with you and my friends, frolicking in the freedom you’d created. Last night I left you at the door trusting I’d see your gentle flakes in the morning. Trusting you’d do like old times and get me a day off to play with you, but you were so very rude. Leaving in the middle of the night like that. Leaving me with a mess to shovel up in the morning. Cold, dirty, slush for me to tromp through. I’m loosing faith.

If you come again, don’t let me down. You must make your visit longer. Give me at least one day of real, quality snow time, because my trust in you is wavering.

Sincerely,

Sara

Fear Not

I think one of my greatest sins may be my tendency to allow fear to creep into my life. I look at God's faithfulness in my past, I look at His word, and I see that there is absolutely no reason for me not to trust him, and yet I find myself once again moving in fear.

Many of you now know of my plans for this coming year. While I have thoroughly enjoyed being in Japan and am confident that it was where God wanted me for this time, I feel led back to Southern California this coming fall. After moving to Japan I came to a place where I seriously considered the possibility of a God calling me to this place long term, but what I ended up with was a very strong sense that this was meant to be only for a short time. The Lord has been preparing me for some time to be in a place where I can be a voice for those not usually heard--a voice of hope, a voice of unity, a voice of love--and at this point God seems to be suggesting that that place is in Southern California. So it is with confidence in God's direction that I begin to prepare for the transition back. Initially I felt excitement. My last year in SoCal the Lord proved faithful as he provided for me in school, work, and relationships. It wasn't until then that I had ever even considered staying in SoCal.

When I left for Japan, I left believing that the Lord would provide for me here. I wasn't sure of my financial situation, and I wasn't sure I'd make substantial friendships, but I chose to trust. I now sit utterly overwhelmed by God's provisions. Exceeding, abundantly, beyond what I can ask or imagine is what Ephesians says. I think I understand a little of what that means. I have hardly been lonely here at all, having people that are always here to listen and process with me. That's more than I can say for many periods of my life, where I learned to count loneliness as a bit of a blessing that forces me to hold tightly to Jesus. I am supposed to be making pennies, but again, God has provided for me beyond my expectations, and allowed me to take what he gives and share. I've said it before, but the words just don't do this justice...I am SO very very blessed!

So how is it that I can find myself in this place again, this place where I fear what is to come? I doubt my ability to fulfill what God is calling me to, and I fear I will not find again the blessings God has given. A few days ago it just hit me that eventually I am leaving. All of a sudden there was this weight of sadness realizing all that I will leave here. There are friends here that simply won't ever be replaced. There is excitement and adventure here that is specific to this place. I have felt a peace and rest that I hadn't experienced in a long time and I doubt my ability to find it when I return. But how foolish I am to think that after all this, all this preparation, that God would just leave me to suddenly fend for myself. Yes it will be different, and in a sense I will need to start over, but the only thing that has made this experience so sweet, is God's presence in it. I must choose to trust that the Lord will continue to provide for me. I must trust that even if things turn out completely differently from any of my expectations, that is only for the better because if God is in control and leading, there is nothing better I could be doing. And so I will choose to release my fears and wait in excitement for whatever is next.

Now comes major fear number two. As much as I fear disappointment in the areas I already mentioned, a fear that I find much more difficult to release is a fear that I will not be able to fulfill what God is calling me to. I have always been drawn to students that other teachers would like to give up on. I desperately want to convince students of their worth and capabilities. I want them to experience love in a way that they never have. I want them know me as someone who refuses to give up on them because I care too much about them to let anything, even themselves, get in the way of them recognizing their value. I want to say this to the kids that don't hear it, in the schools so many teachers avoid. God has also spent the last several years revealing to me the depths of prejudices and racism in the US and I want to be a voice of unity and reconciliation. I want people to see that the love of Jesus does not divide or judge, it unifies and forgives. So as I've come to realize my need to return to SoCal, I also realize that when I return I must live intentionally. I don't want to just settle into a life of comfort an ease, I want to live a life like Jesus did. This idea seems nice. Whoopdeedoo. I can be an inspiration. Ha! See I have this vision and then I also see reality, and then the devil takes the reality I see and haunts me.

I question my ability to persevere through challenges. I question my ability to be heard as a genuine caring voice when my face screams white privilege, misunderstanding, and judgment. And I just flat out question my ability to be the teacher I want to be. Just a few days ago I was filling out part of an application for a school and when I asked a colleague for input, he pointed out how my answers didn't show a lot of faith in myself. That is because faith in myself is lacking. This isn't because I have failed in similar difficult situations in the past, it is just because I had let in all these stupid lies. The last couple years have been spent choosing to trust the Lord in various situations and reciting to myself that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Man, I'm such a fool. If indeed I'm being called to work in these areas, then God will provide what I need, and if I do fall flat on my face, it is only because He has something else in mind and needed me to experience whatever kind of failure for some other reason.

Anyway....fear it's a sin I fall into. I'm tired of it. I am not to worry, He will provide, for His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly when I face trials of many kinds. When I am weak, then He is strong!