Fear Not

I think one of my greatest sins may be my tendency to allow fear to creep into my life. I look at God's faithfulness in my past, I look at His word, and I see that there is absolutely no reason for me not to trust him, and yet I find myself once again moving in fear.

Many of you now know of my plans for this coming year. While I have thoroughly enjoyed being in Japan and am confident that it was where God wanted me for this time, I feel led back to Southern California this coming fall. After moving to Japan I came to a place where I seriously considered the possibility of a God calling me to this place long term, but what I ended up with was a very strong sense that this was meant to be only for a short time. The Lord has been preparing me for some time to be in a place where I can be a voice for those not usually heard--a voice of hope, a voice of unity, a voice of love--and at this point God seems to be suggesting that that place is in Southern California. So it is with confidence in God's direction that I begin to prepare for the transition back. Initially I felt excitement. My last year in SoCal the Lord proved faithful as he provided for me in school, work, and relationships. It wasn't until then that I had ever even considered staying in SoCal.

When I left for Japan, I left believing that the Lord would provide for me here. I wasn't sure of my financial situation, and I wasn't sure I'd make substantial friendships, but I chose to trust. I now sit utterly overwhelmed by God's provisions. Exceeding, abundantly, beyond what I can ask or imagine is what Ephesians says. I think I understand a little of what that means. I have hardly been lonely here at all, having people that are always here to listen and process with me. That's more than I can say for many periods of my life, where I learned to count loneliness as a bit of a blessing that forces me to hold tightly to Jesus. I am supposed to be making pennies, but again, God has provided for me beyond my expectations, and allowed me to take what he gives and share. I've said it before, but the words just don't do this justice...I am SO very very blessed!

So how is it that I can find myself in this place again, this place where I fear what is to come? I doubt my ability to fulfill what God is calling me to, and I fear I will not find again the blessings God has given. A few days ago it just hit me that eventually I am leaving. All of a sudden there was this weight of sadness realizing all that I will leave here. There are friends here that simply won't ever be replaced. There is excitement and adventure here that is specific to this place. I have felt a peace and rest that I hadn't experienced in a long time and I doubt my ability to find it when I return. But how foolish I am to think that after all this, all this preparation, that God would just leave me to suddenly fend for myself. Yes it will be different, and in a sense I will need to start over, but the only thing that has made this experience so sweet, is God's presence in it. I must choose to trust that the Lord will continue to provide for me. I must trust that even if things turn out completely differently from any of my expectations, that is only for the better because if God is in control and leading, there is nothing better I could be doing. And so I will choose to release my fears and wait in excitement for whatever is next.

Now comes major fear number two. As much as I fear disappointment in the areas I already mentioned, a fear that I find much more difficult to release is a fear that I will not be able to fulfill what God is calling me to. I have always been drawn to students that other teachers would like to give up on. I desperately want to convince students of their worth and capabilities. I want them to experience love in a way that they never have. I want them know me as someone who refuses to give up on them because I care too much about them to let anything, even themselves, get in the way of them recognizing their value. I want to say this to the kids that don't hear it, in the schools so many teachers avoid. God has also spent the last several years revealing to me the depths of prejudices and racism in the US and I want to be a voice of unity and reconciliation. I want people to see that the love of Jesus does not divide or judge, it unifies and forgives. So as I've come to realize my need to return to SoCal, I also realize that when I return I must live intentionally. I don't want to just settle into a life of comfort an ease, I want to live a life like Jesus did. This idea seems nice. Whoopdeedoo. I can be an inspiration. Ha! See I have this vision and then I also see reality, and then the devil takes the reality I see and haunts me.

I question my ability to persevere through challenges. I question my ability to be heard as a genuine caring voice when my face screams white privilege, misunderstanding, and judgment. And I just flat out question my ability to be the teacher I want to be. Just a few days ago I was filling out part of an application for a school and when I asked a colleague for input, he pointed out how my answers didn't show a lot of faith in myself. That is because faith in myself is lacking. This isn't because I have failed in similar difficult situations in the past, it is just because I had let in all these stupid lies. The last couple years have been spent choosing to trust the Lord in various situations and reciting to myself that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Man, I'm such a fool. If indeed I'm being called to work in these areas, then God will provide what I need, and if I do fall flat on my face, it is only because He has something else in mind and needed me to experience whatever kind of failure for some other reason.

Anyway....fear it's a sin I fall into. I'm tired of it. I am not to worry, He will provide, for His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly when I face trials of many kinds. When I am weak, then He is strong!