がんばって

Back when I was in middle school and part way through high school I was really quite reserved. I've never liked to call myself shy, but I was certainly more quiet and reserved than I am now. When it came time to stand in front of the class and give a presentation my nerves always got the best of me. With bright red face, sweaty palms, and rapid speaking I'd make it through. I always knew that really in the long run it didn't matter, but I couldn't convince myself of this enough to really calm down.

Somewhere along the way on this journey toward adulthood, I broke through they shyness. Sure I'm still rather quiet, but I'm not all that shy...I just don't feel the need to fill space with talk all the time. I'm incredibly thankful for how God has changed me to make me less self conscious and more confident. During my last year of undergrad I had to take a communications class. If I had taken that class freshmen year, I would have hated it, but by the time I got around to taking it I realized that one it didn't matter if I made a fool of myself, and two I could do a decent job of speaking in front of people.

Today I somehow reverted to my old self. Japanese class intimidates me like none other. Today we gave speeches in Japanese. When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, it doesn't matter. I will stand confidently before the class and stumble through the Japanese with grace, I am an adult and I no longer have to get nervous about these things. A few hours before class began I lost control of these logical ideas and became incredibly nervous. I had practiced enough to know I could read all the words, but my short two page speech took me nearly 10 minutes to read through! There was a realization that I would be standing in front of a silent class, slowly stumbling through words that some class members could breeze through.

Walking into the classroom I kept reminding myself to take deep breathes, it would be over before I knew it and would have no greater impact on my life. I tried to grasp the fact that it really didn't matter in life even if I completely botched the whole thing and bored the class to death. I sat down at the table and tried to relax. A kind Japanese woman, a teacher, sat next to me and tried to make conversation. Then my Japanese/Spanish speaking friend from church walked in. He doesn't attend class, but his dad does and I guess he came to watch. I couldn't decide if this was good or bad... on the one hand he would witness me working on my Japanese...whenever he asks me what I learned in Japanese class I have no response because I don't have the language skill in Japanese or Spanish to tell him. On the other hand, he would be witness to me stepping into the shoes of a child stumbling through their phonics book. Ashley, Drew, and Josh witness this every Wednesday, and then we talk in English and they are still aware that I'm an intelligent human being. It's humbling when you have no way of demonstrating intelligence through language and there are times when you simply must let whatever assumption about you be what it is.

After a painful waiting period the speeches began. We went around the room and I was near the end. I listened to some speak with ease and others struggle. When it came to me I didn't feel quite as intimidated, but still could not keep my face from flushing a raspberry red, or my hands from shaking my papers. The beginning of my speech went pretty smoothly and then it was simply a matter of forcing myself forward. My mind would start to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, that I'd forget how to pronounce the word, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it and just kept reading regardless of if I said something a bit funny. I made it to the end, sat down, and allowed all my muscles relax into a state of utter exhaustion.

Today I spoke more Japanese than I ever have in my life. I said coherent sentences though I'm not certain of the meaning of some. This was an accomplishment.

Being humbled is healthy. Character building I think. I'm glad I gave the speech, and I think I'm even glad the experience felt so humbling.

My speech!

Our class book of everyone's speeches.