Refocusing

It's been about a month now since I've been back in California. Yet again I see God's faithfulness and wonder why I ever bothered or bother to fear what is in store. Japan was such a blessing in how God provided for me that it was difficult to leave. While there I not only had a strong community, but I felt that God really just worked on me and my heart. I know that he is always transforming us, but it seemed as though he spent my time in Japan to just totally form my heart and mind. While I'm not entirely certain of why God took me to Japan, outside of where he seemed to be directing me prior to Japan, I believe that a big part of it was to take me so far away from what was normal and take me out of the business I had been experiencing to just hear from him and return more intentionally. I knew when I got back to the states I didn't want to just ease into my same comfortable life that I was living before, I wanted to come back totally focused on serving wherever God wanted me.

So here I am. Already I realize that no matter where we are it is easy to lose sight of what God has for us. I have to keep refocusing and checking myself...asking myself if I'm really seeking after God or if I'm just doing what seems to me like a good "godly" thing to do. It's funny though, because God isn't letting me get too far from having my focus on him. Every time I start to have a wrong mindset he does something to remind me.

When I was preparing for my return I began to apply for teaching positions. The life I pictured myself living involved investing in the community I'm living in and also teaching at a school that is underprivileged. Before I had gone to Japan I was told of a couple teaching opportunities and encouraged by administrators and personnel to apply for them. I didn't understand it at the time. Why would God put these opportunities before me when I was already headed for Japan. After sending out over 25 applications and only hearing back from a hand-full, all rejections, I began to understand. God is totally capable of giving me a full-time teaching position, but he has chosen not to. So I recognize that he has a different idea of what I'll be doing here and I have a lot of peace about substitute teaching this year and having the time and flexibility that comes with it, but last week God kind of checked in on me to see if I was really recognizing what he was doing.

I had a phone call last Tuesday from a principal in a district where I had put in an application for a high school position. She said they had a middle school opening (my age preference) and wanted to know if I was interested in interviewing. I told her yes, of course. I was immediately excited about this possibility. It was the district where I had done student teaching, not exactly underprivileged, but I was familiar with the curriculum, the school, and would be able to work on getting the next level of my teaching credential. However, I quickly realized what the job would actually mean. Quick preparation for the school year starting a week later, long days of work, 140 students, hours of prep-time and grading,etc. etc. I wouldn't have the time I'd recently been envisioning to become more a part of the community I live in. I started questioning if the job was really something I should consider. To make a long story short, after a lot of prayer, a number of conversations with different people and a roller coaster of emotions I came to realize that even if I was offered the job, I'd have to turn it down. I began to pray for rejection...haha. I'm thankful that school started today and I never heard back after the interview. You must understand how ridiculous this is. Right now, no teacher in their right mind would turn down a teaching position. Coming to that decision was a process and I think that's why the whole thing happened the way it did. Now I get to go into this year intentionally. I'm not subbing because I'm waiting for a full-time position and it's just an in between, I'm subbing because it's what I should be doing right now, because it is giving me a blessing of time. I don't quite know how to explain all of it, but I'm thankful for the way God has allowed me to process through what I'm doing.

The Godly Woman

I have also been realizing lately that there are aspects of my identity as a Christian woman that I didn't realize... That didn't make a lot of sense so let me explain. While I was in Japan there came a point where I had a bit of an identity crisis. I had never been around a lot of Christians that really blatantly believed that woman and men have very distinct roles in the church and life, at least not Christians that I respected. While I was in Japan, I encountered a few and it threw me for a loop. I grew up in liberal Portland, in a loving Christian family that just didn't hold those views. Eventually I came to the conclusion, for a second time, that I didn't need to have the women/men thing figured out, I just needed to seek Jesus and trust him in what he's asked me to be a part of and do. I need to simply find my identity in being a chosen one of God, in being his servant.

Well, since being back I have worked through some other ideas that I didn't even realize had crept into my life. In many ways God has brought me through a process of gaining confidence in just being his. I feel he has been setting me free to live more focused on him and more secure in him. I've had a couple experiences after getting back where I realized that somewhere along the way, growing up in Christian culture, that I am not always free to love and be loved by my brothers in the church. Through some interesting conversations and experiences I realized that I believe many in the church are bound by paranoia that creeps in as we are inadvertently taught to fear relationships as brothers and sisters in the church. Instead of some recognizing that on an individual level they need to be careful and give only the Christian side hug, it is taught that that is the only safe hug to give. We are taught to fear how spiritually intimate we get with someone and as a result we are hardly even free to pray for one another, bearing each others burdens. Friendships are therefore made difficult as pressures of marriage are silently placed upon them by the Christian society because of these ideas that first one cannot really be simply just friends, and two if you are good friends then why not just go for it and be a couple because all Christians ought to get married. I am probably taking this to a bit of an extreme but I'm just realizing that this is how I have experienced Christian culture. This does not apply to all Christians or all churches, but I would argue that the ideas are not uncommon, and I think that because of them, we really miss out on gaining from each other both insight and just a familial kind of loving support. And then there is the idea of the role of women that I didn't even realize I had been effected by until I heard comments that I realized I'd never heard before.

While in university I received a few messages. One was that I was just as capable as any other, male or female, and the second was that while I was just as capable, as a Christian woman, I probably wanted to get a good education, but really deep down I just want to get married and have children. Now the truth is, I have come to realize that indeed I do really want to get married, but I'm in no hurry and I genuinely believe that I'll be just fine if God has something else in mind for my life. I won't feel like any less of a person. But I do believe that it is totally possible that a Christian lady could choose to not get married or have kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. However, when a professor made the comment to me that I ought to continue on to a PhD and how working for a university is great and gives a lot of flexibility if I chose to have a family or if I chose to be single and travel, I was taken back. Other than from my Dad, I had never her a Christian man suggest that a woman might choose something other than marriage. This was an interesting realization, but an even more shocking realization I had was yesterday. I went to listen and support a friend that was speaking at a university's chapel. He's someone that I respect as a person that really desires to honor God and grow closer to God. He was speaking on identity and at one point he said that there was a story in the Bible that he really resonated with. He then shared the story of Mary and Martha and said that he resonated with Martha in this story as she was really a doer and Mary was more able to just be. Now the message itself was good, but what struck me was that as he compared himself to Martha I realized that in all my years of being a Christian that is the first time I have ever heard a man compare himself to a woman in the Bible. I certainly have heard women talk about how they resonate with a man in the Bible and I think nothing of this, I do it myself, I think the Bible is more meant to talk about the hearts of the people in it than anything else, but I have never heard a Christian man compare himself to the heart of a woman in the Bible or her character. I just found this awareness interesting. I'm not sure if it's necessarily a bad thing, I'm still processing through it. I do believe though, that in some respects, we have things a little distorted, but thankfully our God is a gracious God and he continues to grant us wisdom and insight to see him more clearly.

adjusting - the little things

For the most part I feel like God's favor has been on me as I've been adjusting back to life in the States. It's kind of funny though how some things remind me of Japan or make me miss it.

This morning my friend poured me a "mug" of coffee. I'm telling you, everything is smaller in Japan - doorways, mugs, houses, clothes, people, streets, cars - and this morning I felt like I was drinking coffee out of a soup bowl, actually I think this cup is bigger than the miso soup bowls they serve in Japan.

I enjoy the feeling of being in the midst of a conversation that isn't in English. Being back these conversations are usually Spanish rather than Japanese. I like the feeling of having to try to figure out what is being said, understanding words here and there and just observing body language and context. It's this odd challenge that I like. I do miss hearing the sounds of the Japanese language though. Whenever I'm around Asian people that aren't speaking English I get a little excited hoping they'll be speaking Japanese, but I've yet to over hear a Japanese conversation, I guess most of the Asians around me are Korean. Oh well. I do love the diversity of Southern California.

I've had some free time since I've been back here and I've been loving that some of my friends have had some as well, which has meant random hangouts and adventures. This makes me think of and miss Japan. I mostly miss the friends I ventured with there and the new places we'd go, but I also miss things like the trains to get us there, rather than the hours of LA traffic. Everywhere seems so far when you have to drive. In Japan everywhere I went involved either walking, biking, or a train, which somehow made things feel closer. Pretty much all of my friends lived only minutes away so spontaneous hangouts were easy to plan and I was never lacking someone to talk to. These are things that I miss about my life in Japan. But I am fully enjoying getting into the swing of my new life here.

to begin again

I’ve spent the last week and a half settling in to my new home. Yesterday I finally took the last few things out of my bag and put them away in my room. It is strange to think that I have arrived at a home that isn’t in some way temporary. I have no idea what the future looks like and where God will lead, but for right now this is where He has me and my settling in. When I was at Biola I always planned to move back to the Northwest, and then in Japan I planned to move back somewhere after the year, but this time, I’m just here, waiting and resting for whatever God has planned. A couple days ago I went to the DMV to change my car registration and driver’s license. The guy at the registration counter told me I would need to surrender my Oregon plates to the lady at the other window. I laughed a little to myself as I thought about what he’d just said to me. For the fiver years prior to Japan, I never would have considered surrendering to California. But here I am, and I find it quite exciting.

I still don’t have a full time job, but there are very few moments when this actually worries me because God has proved to be so faithful in my life, and in bringing me here that it seems ridiculous to question why I don’t have a full time job yet. I do have a part time tutoring job that I’m thankful for, and I’m trusting that God will provide something so that I can pay my bills. I have this feeling that He’s also providing me with a lot of time that He’ll put to use as well. Who knows.

Speaking of provision, I don’t know that I ever mentioned how I’m living exactly where I’d hoped to live, but where up until a month or so before I moved back, there wasn’t a spot for me. It’s been an adjustment being back here in a totally different place from where I was before when I lived here, but it’s been really good. When I went to visit Oregon before moving down to California, it felt so incredibly normal, it was like Japan had been some sort of dream, but here it feels unfamiliar, like life really is changing and it’s exciting.

I live in a neighborhood that's predominantly Latino and so far I love it. There is a lot of life here. Lots of kids around and neighbors outside playing music. It’s kind of fun in that in some ways it feels like my experience in Japan and in some ways it’s opposite. The lively music is part of the opposite feeling from quiet Japan, but feeling a little like a minority and hearing people not speaking English feels similar to Japan, in a good way. It gives me an odd sort of feeling of comfort. I feel a little out of place, but that feeling feels normal to me.

I think one of my favorite things about being back, aside from just getting to settle in and feel kind of grounded, not like I’ll be up and leaving soon, is getting to reconnect with friends. Of course we’ve all changed a bit over the last year, but some of my fears of how it would be trying to reconnect, are gone. I’ve felt quickly accepted back into the group, even by those new people that are now friends of my friends. I thought I’d miss the adventuring I did all the time in Japan, but there are adventures to be had here as well. It’s been especially nice to have some time while looking for work, to just be. Not have work, and not having internet at my house, has given me the chance to slow down a bit. I’ve enjoyed being able to read and journal without the temptation to waste time on the computer. And I’ve had the chance to meet up with people without having to worry about a work schedule. I think that pretty soon this much time won’t be so enjoyable, but I’m believing that God’s going to provide things to do with my time so that I won’t have to worry to much about getting restless.

Anyway, I just thought this blog was long overdue. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I begin life here, serving God and loving people. Pray for a source of income to pay my expenses, pray that I’ll be able to love those that God has placed around me, and pray that God would direct as I want to be a support for the ministry my friends are a part of in the neighbor (solidarityrising.org).

Some closing events

Nao and I after our dive.

Exploring underwater Japan.

I find myself with only a short time left in Japan. As the school year was coming to an end I thought I'd take the following months, before returning to the states, to do some traveling, see the things I've been too busy to see. Considering I don't know the next time I'll be in Japan I wanted to take advantage of my remaining time here, traveling companions or not, and see the sights. Well, it's been about three weeks since school ended and I've found that my ideas have changed. Maybe if I had come to Japan with big hopes of seeing certain things, or maybe if I had come with the mindset of a tourist, but that was not the case, this is simply home, and just like when you leave any home, the thing you miss the most are people. I haven't filled my days with big trips, or really any trips at all, instead I find myself just wanting to be with my friends, and around what is familiar and what will soon be distant. This is not to say I'm sitting around doing nothing. Last Saturday I spent a lovely day at the river with my friends Isaac, Josh, and Satsuki. My intention was to go swimming no matter how cold, but my body was not able to numb fast enough for me to enjoy the icy river water, so instead I sat with Satsuki and watched Josh and Isaac. I love living so close to such a nice river and mountains. We took a nice walk along the river bed and it was so beautiful.A couple weeks before this I got see my dear friend Drew get married to his now wife Megumi. The ceremony was beautiful, and their lives are and will be a sweet testimony to a loving God.

My finally events of Japan include it's heights and depths. Last Monday Nao and I went to the depths. After a year of thinking to myself that I needed to plan a scuba trip before returning to the states, I finally did. It was particularly fun because my friend Nao came also and tried diving for the first time. We went to Izu Oshima island (very near Tokyo proper) and had a fantastic time diving and experiencing rural Japanese island life. Absolutely everyone we encountered was extremely kind. I had expected the island to be rather touristy, but was pleasantly surprised to find that other than the omiyage (souvenir) shops, the island was not so much touristy as it was country. It's hard to find a place in Japan, any where near where I live, where you can't find a conbini (convenient store), but there weren't any on this island. We were picked up by the dive company, Global Sports Club, from the ferry and driven up a narrow windy road with maybe one traffic light, to the shop where we were fitted with our rental equipment. While the day had started out looking gray, the sun was breaking through for us. I filled out a paper, put on my bathing suit and was quickly put into the van with two dive guides and a 60-something year old man that is a regular. Nao had a briefing while I went on the first dive. The water was incredibly clear and there was all sorts of sea life to be seen. Some sort of small sand shark, some eels, nemo fish, box fish, what looked like a sea spider, and tons and tons of other fish and sea creatures that were pointed out to me as we swam along. After the first dive we headed back for lunch and a rest. The second dive was with Nao. I must say that I was very impressed by her courageous spirit. When I first went diving I was super nervous, and even this time I was a bit nervous at first. Nao was mostly just excited. Anyway we spent some more time seeing underwater Japan. There was even a tree that had been arranged underwater for some sort of Japanese festival that happens in July.

The rest of our Izu Oshima trip was great. Nao was a great traveling companion. We had dinner with some people from the dive company and were given added little extras from the restaurant owner, a free bowl of soup and some Japanese snacks, in addition to our meal which included various local dishes made from fish caught near by and seaweed harvested from where we dove. This was followed by a guided night hike with someone from Global Sports Club, and we got to see glow in the dark mushrooms. We then headed back to our tiny inn, laid out our futons on the tatami floors and went to bed. The second day was meant for local sight seeing, but we quickly discovered that there weren't many sights to see. We headed for a gate and ruins on the tourist map and found a gate and grass. We had tea at a bed and breakfast and we were served tea in the large cups (so we could sit a while and enjoy the lady told us) with a complimentary piece of cake. Everyone was so nice. We took the 45 bus to the lookout sight only to ushered back onto the bus we'd gotten off of when the man about to serve us lunch realized the next bus we planned to take wasn't running anytime soon (thankfully the driver didn't charge us for the return ride because we'd been confused). We then headed for the port and meandered around the beach there. The trip was wonderful.

My next stop is the heights of Japan, Fuji-san. While I often just jump on board with things like this without proper preparation, I am learning. I think my 100km bike ride taught me a lesson. So Ashley and I, and a few others have been doing some training and getting equipment for Fuji. I've discovered that certain activities are made significantly more enjoyable with the proper equipment. Like that bike ride...sure would have been nice to have padded biking shorts. So for Fuji I have made some purchases and am doing some training. Today we took practice hike number four. I now have pretty much all the equipment I plan to buy and we have been trying to get more in shape. I was very pleased to discover that our 900meter mountain hike (about 1/4 of Fuji) was not so bad and went much better than the first time I did it a few weeks ago. My feet were happy in my hiking boots and socks (hadn't expected proper socks to mean so much, but they are amazing), my sweaty legs were cool in my moisture wicking tights, my body was hydrated with my convenient hydration pack, and the hike was made slightly easier with my nifty trekking poles (they also have great engrish on them that makes them that much nifty-er). I know Fuji will be a challenge but I'm feeling good about it and am pleased with how the preparation is going.

After Fuji this Friday I will have a little over a week left here. I still can't believe how quickly time has passed, but I also feel like God has done a lot in me and through me during my time in Japan and am very grateful. I think my biggest fear is just that the people here won't realize how much they've meant to me when I leave them for the states. People ask why I'm leaving, if I like Japan, and it is difficult to explain that I love Japan and I love them, that isn't it at all, I just have to follow what I think God has shown me and that is to return to CA. It's not a matter of which place I like more, I love both places and the people in both places, but right now I need to head back. I guess I will just have to leave them in God's hands and trust they will know they are loved.

As for California, I'm getting very excited to be returning and being able to spend time with my friends there. There are still a lot of unknowns, but I have such a faithful and gracious God that I'm really not very worried. I trust He is doing the necessary work as He calls me back. So now I will soak up the time I have left, and pray that God will continue to prepare my way back.

Spirit Week

Pajama Day...
Crazy hair day...

It is the last week of school at Grace Christian International School. When Ashley suggested a fun backward themed day we all jumped on board and declared a spirit week for our final time with the students. Today students came in walking backward with their uniforms on backward. We set up the chairs for chapel facing the back of the room and have had quite a lot of fun making as many things backward as we can think of. Personally I came to work with my shirt and jacket on backward and my hair pinned the opposite direction as usual. I'm thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to let my inner crazy teacher out...actually my students would probably tell you that it's not an inner crazy so much as an outer crazy...haha. I have fun. The spirit week will continue with a crazy hat/hair day, pajama day, and imitate a teacher day.

As the school year comes to a close I find myself with very mixed feelings. While the year has had its challenges, and I've had to adjust to a totally different teaching setting from what I'm used to, I am so thankful for the way that God has allowed me to be a part of my students' lives. Today I had the students write evaluations for me, and they were kind enough to offer suggestions for future classes, but I was also so encouraged by positive comments they made, showing me that indeed, God has used me to be a blessing in their lives. Not only have they learned skills and ideas related to Language Arts, but their characters have been impacted throughout the year. I will certainly miss my students.

When the school year is over that will put me at only 39 days of Japan left. I can't believe it. I feel like time has flown by, but I also feel like I've been here for ages and there is a certain familiar feel to life that will be missed when I leave. I can't wait to be back with some of my friends in the states, and am looking forward to eating Mexican food, sitting in a coffee shop with a book, and laying out on the beach, but I will miss the friends I have made here, the river near my house, the easily obtained sushi, and the feeling of accomplishment after successful communication to someone who can't speak English.

It's complicated

A friend sent me a link to a talk on preparing the church for suffering (http://vimeo.com/10959675) and suggested I watch it because it was interesting. The man talks about how many people in the Western church are not taught how to deal with suffering in a Biblical way. It was an interesting talk. After I watched it I got to thinking about a conference I attended while I was at Biola. The conference was on racial reconciliation and the seminar was on the theology of suffering and celebration. I remembered listen to the speaker and gaining a new perspective on the topic. So I looked up the guy, Soong-chan Rah, and have started to listen through the sessions again (part 1 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=390; part 2 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=397; part 3 http://www.cornerstonefestival.com/blog/?p=402). I have only made it through the first part of the talk, but have yet to continue on as I found I needed some time to really absorb the ideas from the first part (probably should wait to write this blog based on that, but oh well, you get the "I'm still processing" version). Basically Soong-chan Rah is suggesting that to fully understand God and his kingdom we need both the perspective of living in suffering and living in celebration. He gives the example of how a person views heaven, and suggests that an affluent 16 year old female might think of heaven as a place that has the good things of earth in abundance while a 16 year old female living in poverty in a war torn country would likely think of heaven as being a place that is drastically different from earth, hardly resembling what she knows of this world at all. Rah then goes on to say that when you look at the Biblical view of heaven it is some sort of combination of both. Rah also talks about characteristics of God in light of suffering and celebration and even points to the Psalms as the psalmists speak of different qualities of God depending on whether they are lamenting or rejoicing. When we are living in celebration we tend to think of God as more nurturing and having more typically feminine qualities while someone living in suffering may view God in a more typically masculine sense being strong and powerful. Really God is all the above.

Rah’s discussion moved in and out of a theology of suffering and how it all connects to diversity. When we are part of churches that are mostly homogeneous we tend to get a view that leans more in one direction. The U.S. is made up predominately of homogeneous churches. You really ought to just listen to the sessions because my summary doesn’t do the issue justice as it is quite complex, but it just got me thinking. While much of the discussion is about suffering and celebration the discussion is also about racial tension and the need for reconciliation, but how certain races dominate Christianity in western culture, particularly the Christianity that gets public attention. Again, you ought to listen because I have yet to put my thoughts together on everything that is presented and so instead you will get my initial response without a decent summary of ideas that were presented.

Right now I’m reading a book with my sixth graders. It is called, Esperanza Rising, and is a favorite of mine. The book is about a 13 year old girl who had grown up on a vineyard in Mexico. The story takes places around the time of the Mexican Revolution and this results in the death of the girl’s father. Through a series of events, the girl is forced from extreme wealth into poverty and travels with her mother and former servants to work in the US. As the story continues you see the girl struggle to understand what it is to live in poverty and try to grasp the worldview of those around her who grew up in poverty rather than in wealth. You can hardly blame her for her ignorance, but she constantly has to deal with it. Initially she is hardly aware of her ignorance but it is constantly brought to her attention through various encounters. She has no way of dealing with her ignorance without it being brought to her attention, but that process is humiliating and so she tries to avoid it.

Rah talks about how whites tend to not like to talk about power. We shy away from it, really because we have it and don’t want to admit it. So here I am faced with the reality that I was born into privilege. I want to be a part of racial reconciliation and I want to understand, but like the girl from the story, my worldview and upbringing has made me a bit ignorant. I find this difficult because my background has shaped who I am, and while I grew up as a part of a group that offered me privilege based on my race, I also see the need to have this change. Lately what I find most difficult is that being the white person, in my efforts to bring about change, I almost magnify the problem. For example, Rah talks about how justice has become in vogue, but the thing is believers that are minorities have been dealing with issues related to justice for a very long time, but more recently some more prominent white Christians have jumped on the justice wagon and that is what made it in vogue. Now you can get your undies in a bunch and make excuses for how that isn’t true or whatever, but the thing is, I see his point. I also remember a Latino friend speaking up at a dialogue on racial reconciliation and mentioning something about how to have power in issues related to racial reconciliation it is beneficial to have white folks on your side speaking up, as if they must give you credibility which just shows the depth of the issues. The thing is, I’m the white person that wants to be a part of the change, but I want to do so graciously, in such a way the gives power and dignity to my minority brothers and sisters in the church, and even those not in the church.

It is all so very complicated. When I try to piece it together I’m left feeling a bit confused and sometimes rather helpless. Today as I was contemplating my return to the states and my desire to be a part of positive change, especially within the church body, as we ought to be an example, I got to thinking that maybe what it is really about is humility. The best way I can serve my brothers and sisters is by walking in humility, and becoming a part of diverse communities of believers where I can just learn and observe and love. I want to pursue justice for all people, racial minorities, low-income families, immigrants, people with disabilities, and I can't help that in some cases my desire to be involved in seeking justice is a bit painful for those that as a group have been doing so for decades, but I can do so out of an attitude of humility.

Sweet Aroma

Every Friday I take a one hour train ride to another part of Tokyo to teach a few English classes. While my Fridays are long, I enjoy them because I have established a nice routine for myself. I finish my Grace classes, head home for a few minutes to gather myself for my other teaching job, catch the train, drown out the sounds around me with my head phones, nap until my ipod alarm wakes me a few minutes before my stop, and arrive in the other part of town about 45minutes early with my book for a period of relaxing where I have nothing to do but read before needing to teach. The lack of coffee shops in Tokyo leads me to sit in McDonalds, like an old woman with her cheap cup of coffee. Today I was looking forward to my McDonalds time and had a new book in hand to start reading but when I approached my usual spot I was suprised to see that McDonalds had closed. Yup, McDonalds, closed. Now if that doesn't say something about the economy I'm not sure what does. Anyway, this completely threw me. My routine was totally messed up and I had no place to plant myself for my extra 45 minutes. There really isn't much in that area aside from Pachinko, some grocery stores, and convenient stores, but I did remember seeing a Coffee sign in a previous exploration so decided to go looking for it.

I found the Coffee sign and decided to brave the little shop. I couldn't tell from the outside if it was the type of place you really sit down in, or if it was a really fancy place, or if I would have to just grab my cup and go, but considering I had no other options I decided I'd give it a shot. So I opened the door and walked it. It was tiny and contained only one table and a bar. There was a kind Japanese woman sitting inside watching TV, but no one else. She looked to me with a bit of surprise and confusion (us foreigners tend to have that effect on people) and then smiled. I wasn't sure what to do so I just used one of the Japanese words I know, coffee (pronounced ko-hi) and added a questioning tone to it. She kind of laughed and motioned for me to come and sit down. She didn't then rush to get me a cup of coffee, instead she stared a moment longer and started talking to me in Japanese. She asked me where I was from and if I understood Japanese. I told her America and no not really, which didn't stop her from continuing the conversation in Japanese after mentioning the difficulty of learning the language. At this point she had moved behind the counter and got me a glass of ice water while continuing to talk to me in Japanese. I didn't understand most of what she said, but was surprised to find that I wasn't completely lost in the conversation. It helped that she didn't seem to mind my lack of understanding and was kind in adding hand motions to much of what she was saying. She learned that I am here teaching and that I live an hour from the area. She told me of her younger sister who lived in Seattle for around 8 years and found the coffee was different than in Japan (which it is...one cup of Seattle coffee is probably equivalent to 3 cups of Japanese coffee). We small talked, and I loved it. She was incredibly kind and I thoroughly enjoyed our disjointed conversation. I drank my $5 dollar cup of Denny's quality coffee, chatted a bit more, and read for a little while before paying with a big smile despite the poor cup of expensive coffee. When I left she bid me farewell with the warmth of a friend, standing close telling me to take care.

I wish I could speak more Japanese. I think I'd like to make her shop a place I frequent. She could be my coffee shop lady that I see every Friday and we tell each other about our weeks. I may return to her shop next week, but unfortunately our talk will be limited. However, I can report to you that my Japanese is improving. I think I have finally come to a point where it's just barely starting to click in my brain. Too bad it has taken ten months and I will be back in the states before I know it.

Travel's Sound

A few days ago I found myself sitting on a train and was overcome by the serene sound that traveling makes. As I sat in the seat I debated on listening to some music, but couldn't bring myself to interrupt the familiar sound of travel. The train moved down the tracks creating a quiet hum. Hushed whispers were shared between fellow passengers. Knowing we'd be on the train for a while, no one felt a need to hurry as they retrieved something from a bag, or engaged in a quiet conversation with a friend. The sounds felt so familiar, reminding me of the long coach rides I spent in Europe and the international flights I've been on.

Last week my friend Drew told Josh and I that he had some extra train tickets and wanted to make a weekend trip to visit some friends in Sendai. The train tickets are cheap tickets that allow you to take as many local trains as you want in one day. I'm not one to pass up any sort of adventure and agreed to go along. On Friday we went straight from work to the train station to catch the 2:38 train. This would allow us about 30 min for dinner and just a little leeway in case a transfer was missed. It was supposed to have us arriving in Sendai at 11:30pm.

The trip started out smoothly. We made is past Tokyo (about 1 or 1.5 hours away) and then we were on a train that traveled through a valley and at one station the train stopped. This is common. Trains stop to pick up passengers and so we just stay on until our stop, but this time when the train stopped the conductor walked through the cars and shooed everyone off. Looking around at fellow passengers it was clear that no one really knew what was going on. We got off the train and stood on the platform waiting to be given the ok to get back on the train. We never got an ok and the train eventually left, empty. We finally started hearing announcements about train delays due to high winds. At this point we weren't too worried because we knew we had a little time to spare and still make the trains. However the delay was excessive and by the time we finally got on the train and made it to our next destination we realized that we were in danger of getting stuck at a station past the time the last train left for Sendai. So at this point we went to talk with the guy at the counter who informed us that indeed we wouldn't make it on the local trains. So we spent some extra money to get tickets for a special express. This in itself was an interesting experience as we kept getting different information and were finally handed tickets that we weren't totally clear on. We were told that we might still get to a station past the last train, but that we could take a taxi that'd be paid for by the JR Line...hmm. We decided to give it a shot.

I always see the nicer express trains and wasn't too upset to be riding one. We also had a few interesting encounters with some drunken Japanese people which added to the excitement of the trip. There was one drunk older woman who was trying to talk to Drew, not making a lot of sense, and offering him candy from a 17th century emperor. That was particularly funny because not only were we amused by the situation, but the usually "to themselves" fellow Japanese passengers were doing all they could to not burst out in laughter as this lady talked to Drew. When she left our train car a group next to us was all laughing. Turned out this was to our advantage because they heard us talking with the conductor about our next transfer and final destination and we got off that train one of the guys who was going to be taking the next train with us, stuck with us to help us out. Turned out the next train was also delayed, but once we were on it, that guy sat with us and spoke to the conductor to make sure that when we got to our next station, he understood we needed to then get to Sendai and may need a taxi. He was a really nice guy.

So we made it to the last train station, but were still about 2 hours from Sendai and there were no longer trains running. We talked with two workers and things got sorted out so that we were able to take a taxi for free. We rode with one other man going to Sendai. No leg of this journey was without it's excitement. As we neared Sendai our cab driver started making comments to the other passenger about how he really didn't know the Sendai area very well. Eventually he saw a police box as he passed it and then promptly put the car in reverse, drove backwards and into the parking lot. He then apologized, hopped out and went to ask for directions. Once he had the directions he got us to the Sendai station without any other issues other than nearly turning into the wrong side of the median.

We made it to Sendai at 1am and then Drew's friend picked us up from there. It was quite the trip. Needless to say, when we came home we chose to take a route that wouldn't pass through the valley where there was the possibility of wind delays.

The weekend trip turned out to be quite a lot of fun. We spent Saturday exploring the area. There are some islands near Sendai, and we took a ferry tour around them. Then we crossed a long foot bridge to one of the islands and hiked around appreciating the scenery. Saturday evening we went into downtown Sendai and looked around a bit. It actually reminded me a lot of Portland. The city and area had a very friendly feel to it. Much less chaotic than Tokyo.

Easter Sunday we spent with Drew's friends at a very small Japanese church. I really enjoyed it despite not being able to understand most of the message. The small group was very friendly. We had the most difficult Easter egg hunt I've ever participated in. Everyone looked for the 24 hidden eggs and it must have taken a good 10 min to find the first three and the following 21 were no easier. Considering the small area they were hidden in we never did find all 24 eggs. The egg hunt was followed by a nice lunch with the church and at one point everyone went around and shared something about how God had blessed them, or something they needed prayer for. This is something I've noticed about Japanese Christians, they don't share away from asking people to share about what God's doing. Although Japanese people can often be a bit reserved, they frequently call church members out to share something about what God's doing. I like this.

Our trip home was uneventful. Today, Monday, I was so tired, but the weekend away was definitely worth it.

Sendai Station...

Me with my Special Express train ticket :)

がんばって

Back when I was in middle school and part way through high school I was really quite reserved. I've never liked to call myself shy, but I was certainly more quiet and reserved than I am now. When it came time to stand in front of the class and give a presentation my nerves always got the best of me. With bright red face, sweaty palms, and rapid speaking I'd make it through. I always knew that really in the long run it didn't matter, but I couldn't convince myself of this enough to really calm down.

Somewhere along the way on this journey toward adulthood, I broke through they shyness. Sure I'm still rather quiet, but I'm not all that shy...I just don't feel the need to fill space with talk all the time. I'm incredibly thankful for how God has changed me to make me less self conscious and more confident. During my last year of undergrad I had to take a communications class. If I had taken that class freshmen year, I would have hated it, but by the time I got around to taking it I realized that one it didn't matter if I made a fool of myself, and two I could do a decent job of speaking in front of people.

Today I somehow reverted to my old self. Japanese class intimidates me like none other. Today we gave speeches in Japanese. When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, it doesn't matter. I will stand confidently before the class and stumble through the Japanese with grace, I am an adult and I no longer have to get nervous about these things. A few hours before class began I lost control of these logical ideas and became incredibly nervous. I had practiced enough to know I could read all the words, but my short two page speech took me nearly 10 minutes to read through! There was a realization that I would be standing in front of a silent class, slowly stumbling through words that some class members could breeze through.

Walking into the classroom I kept reminding myself to take deep breathes, it would be over before I knew it and would have no greater impact on my life. I tried to grasp the fact that it really didn't matter in life even if I completely botched the whole thing and bored the class to death. I sat down at the table and tried to relax. A kind Japanese woman, a teacher, sat next to me and tried to make conversation. Then my Japanese/Spanish speaking friend from church walked in. He doesn't attend class, but his dad does and I guess he came to watch. I couldn't decide if this was good or bad... on the one hand he would witness me working on my Japanese...whenever he asks me what I learned in Japanese class I have no response because I don't have the language skill in Japanese or Spanish to tell him. On the other hand, he would be witness to me stepping into the shoes of a child stumbling through their phonics book. Ashley, Drew, and Josh witness this every Wednesday, and then we talk in English and they are still aware that I'm an intelligent human being. It's humbling when you have no way of demonstrating intelligence through language and there are times when you simply must let whatever assumption about you be what it is.

After a painful waiting period the speeches began. We went around the room and I was near the end. I listened to some speak with ease and others struggle. When it came to me I didn't feel quite as intimidated, but still could not keep my face from flushing a raspberry red, or my hands from shaking my papers. The beginning of my speech went pretty smoothly and then it was simply a matter of forcing myself forward. My mind would start to tell me that I wasn't going to make it, that I'd forget how to pronounce the word, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on it and just kept reading regardless of if I said something a bit funny. I made it to the end, sat down, and allowed all my muscles relax into a state of utter exhaustion.

Today I spoke more Japanese than I ever have in my life. I said coherent sentences though I'm not certain of the meaning of some. This was an accomplishment.

Being humbled is healthy. Character building I think. I'm glad I gave the speech, and I think I'm even glad the experience felt so humbling.

My speech!

Our class book of everyone's speeches.

Walking to work in the snow.

Dear Snow,

I am writing to inform you that our relationship has changed. When we were kids I always trusted your gentle flakes. You’d cancel school and gather all my friends to play. Sometimes you’d come for just a minute, to remind me of your beauty and purity, and when you really came for a visit, you’d stay at least one day, but lately I’ve noticed you’ve changed.

This year each time you come, you disappoint me. The first time you came it was like you were taunting me. I walked with you to work that evening and then you just up and left. I figured you’d be back for some more quality time later on, so I didn’t mind cleaning up after you the next morning. The second time you came was worse. Your flakes falling heavy on the wet ground, quickly turning to brown dirty mud. Why’d you even bother? I didn’t even try to hope for a day off from work, playing with you. But this last time was the worst. You were just so darn cold. Last night when you showed up, I didn’t even bother going out. I didn’t bother looking at you. The way you’ve been taunting, I didn’t want to see you, but you stayed outside my door. You called my friends out into your beauty and so I gave in to you once again.

You were so enticing sitting on the trees, covering the dirty ground with your brilliant white, sparkling surface. Last night it was like we were kids again. I was bundled in warmth with you and my friends, frolicking in the freedom you’d created. Last night I left you at the door trusting I’d see your gentle flakes in the morning. Trusting you’d do like old times and get me a day off to play with you, but you were so very rude. Leaving in the middle of the night like that. Leaving me with a mess to shovel up in the morning. Cold, dirty, slush for me to tromp through. I’m loosing faith.

If you come again, don’t let me down. You must make your visit longer. Give me at least one day of real, quality snow time, because my trust in you is wavering.

Sincerely,

Sara

Fear Not

I think one of my greatest sins may be my tendency to allow fear to creep into my life. I look at God's faithfulness in my past, I look at His word, and I see that there is absolutely no reason for me not to trust him, and yet I find myself once again moving in fear.

Many of you now know of my plans for this coming year. While I have thoroughly enjoyed being in Japan and am confident that it was where God wanted me for this time, I feel led back to Southern California this coming fall. After moving to Japan I came to a place where I seriously considered the possibility of a God calling me to this place long term, but what I ended up with was a very strong sense that this was meant to be only for a short time. The Lord has been preparing me for some time to be in a place where I can be a voice for those not usually heard--a voice of hope, a voice of unity, a voice of love--and at this point God seems to be suggesting that that place is in Southern California. So it is with confidence in God's direction that I begin to prepare for the transition back. Initially I felt excitement. My last year in SoCal the Lord proved faithful as he provided for me in school, work, and relationships. It wasn't until then that I had ever even considered staying in SoCal.

When I left for Japan, I left believing that the Lord would provide for me here. I wasn't sure of my financial situation, and I wasn't sure I'd make substantial friendships, but I chose to trust. I now sit utterly overwhelmed by God's provisions. Exceeding, abundantly, beyond what I can ask or imagine is what Ephesians says. I think I understand a little of what that means. I have hardly been lonely here at all, having people that are always here to listen and process with me. That's more than I can say for many periods of my life, where I learned to count loneliness as a bit of a blessing that forces me to hold tightly to Jesus. I am supposed to be making pennies, but again, God has provided for me beyond my expectations, and allowed me to take what he gives and share. I've said it before, but the words just don't do this justice...I am SO very very blessed!

So how is it that I can find myself in this place again, this place where I fear what is to come? I doubt my ability to fulfill what God is calling me to, and I fear I will not find again the blessings God has given. A few days ago it just hit me that eventually I am leaving. All of a sudden there was this weight of sadness realizing all that I will leave here. There are friends here that simply won't ever be replaced. There is excitement and adventure here that is specific to this place. I have felt a peace and rest that I hadn't experienced in a long time and I doubt my ability to find it when I return. But how foolish I am to think that after all this, all this preparation, that God would just leave me to suddenly fend for myself. Yes it will be different, and in a sense I will need to start over, but the only thing that has made this experience so sweet, is God's presence in it. I must choose to trust that the Lord will continue to provide for me. I must trust that even if things turn out completely differently from any of my expectations, that is only for the better because if God is in control and leading, there is nothing better I could be doing. And so I will choose to release my fears and wait in excitement for whatever is next.

Now comes major fear number two. As much as I fear disappointment in the areas I already mentioned, a fear that I find much more difficult to release is a fear that I will not be able to fulfill what God is calling me to. I have always been drawn to students that other teachers would like to give up on. I desperately want to convince students of their worth and capabilities. I want them to experience love in a way that they never have. I want them know me as someone who refuses to give up on them because I care too much about them to let anything, even themselves, get in the way of them recognizing their value. I want to say this to the kids that don't hear it, in the schools so many teachers avoid. God has also spent the last several years revealing to me the depths of prejudices and racism in the US and I want to be a voice of unity and reconciliation. I want people to see that the love of Jesus does not divide or judge, it unifies and forgives. So as I've come to realize my need to return to SoCal, I also realize that when I return I must live intentionally. I don't want to just settle into a life of comfort an ease, I want to live a life like Jesus did. This idea seems nice. Whoopdeedoo. I can be an inspiration. Ha! See I have this vision and then I also see reality, and then the devil takes the reality I see and haunts me.

I question my ability to persevere through challenges. I question my ability to be heard as a genuine caring voice when my face screams white privilege, misunderstanding, and judgment. And I just flat out question my ability to be the teacher I want to be. Just a few days ago I was filling out part of an application for a school and when I asked a colleague for input, he pointed out how my answers didn't show a lot of faith in myself. That is because faith in myself is lacking. This isn't because I have failed in similar difficult situations in the past, it is just because I had let in all these stupid lies. The last couple years have been spent choosing to trust the Lord in various situations and reciting to myself that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Man, I'm such a fool. If indeed I'm being called to work in these areas, then God will provide what I need, and if I do fall flat on my face, it is only because He has something else in mind and needed me to experience whatever kind of failure for some other reason.

Anyway....fear it's a sin I fall into. I'm tired of it. I am not to worry, He will provide, for His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly when I face trials of many kinds. When I am weak, then He is strong!

A Beautiful Blanket of White

Last weekend I went to the mountains with the church for a retreat. For the first time in my life, I was only moderately excited about visiting the snow. I've always loved the snow (as something to play in, and something that puts life on pause when it comes to Portland), but after months of feeling constantly cold, the idea of being in a colder place with snow, wasn't as appealing as it's been in the past. However, I had nothing else to do over the weekend and figured, if nothing more, it'd be a good time to hang out with people I usually just see briefly. So I packed layers and joined the group for a short trip to the mountains.

Every so often I decide that I ought to do something that stretches me. Last year I learned to Scuba dive which is something that pretty much terrified me. I think one of the worst ways to die would be by drowning, so the idea of being a number of feet underwater, breathing through a tube, just didn't sound fun to me. Turns out, it is quite enjoyable though. Anyway, living in Japan for the year I've ended up doing lots of things that are stretching, but one thing that I've always kind of avoided is skiing. A couple years ago I went cross-country skiing, but I've never really wanted to go down hill skiing or snowboarding. Speeding down a hill, out of control, I find quite horrifying. It probably doesn't help that I had a previous encounter with a tree while on snowmobile. Anyway, before the retreat I was talking with my friend Nao and she told me that she wanted to try skiing, so I decided I should make an attempt at conquering my fear, and agreed to do it with her.

We arrived at the mountain for the retreat on Friday evening. Lots of beautiful white and a nice warm lodge place. It even has an onsen (Japanese hot spring bath)...delightful. We played games, ate a tasty meal, and had some time of Bible study. I went to bed early and woke up ready to head to the slopes. Once I got in the car my excitement turned to extreme nervousness and I began asking myself why on earth I was going to go do this. Well by that time it was simply too late to change my mind so I "ganbare"ed (worked hard-persevered) and just went with it. Rented my skis and got told by the rental guy that I had on too many layers and would get hot. It was really pretty funny. I'd done something wrong with my boots so he came to show me something and then went to put my snow pants on the outside of my boot, but realized then that underneath that water proof shell was three additional layers :) I was determined to stay warm. Anyway, got my gear and then accompanied Nao, and Angel and Jonathan (our senseis) to the bunny slope. Jonathan showed me how to put my skis on, told me about turning and stopping and then led me onto the tiny little hill. White knuckled I held onto those poles and gritted my teeth. You know what? I didn't die. We worked our way up to slightly steeper hills, went on the lift, and picked up some speed, and I didn't die!!! I actually didn't fall much, and once I realized I could somewhat control my speed and direction I had a lot of fun! I got a lot of funny looks from people when I first started, probably because the look on my face must have been pretty interesting as I was muttering cuss words to myself hoping I could slow down the rate of speed was I gaining. Eventually though, I was able to relax a bit. I still don't know what I'd do on longer, bigger slopes, but in general, I think I can say I got over my fear.

I also realized in the midst of this all that my Japanese is improving! It's still terrible, but I was sort of talking with my friend Angel who speaks Japanese and Spanish, and I realized that we were talking in about an equal amount of Japanese and Spanish. Now when I say talking, what I really mean is Angle was talking and doing all sorts of crazy charades teaching me Japanese and Spanish, and I would respond with wakarimasu (I understand) or wakaranai (I don't understand) but communication occurred, and I understood more Japanese then I used to. It's quite fun attempting this kind of communication.

Too eclectic...untitleable...

I've had an enjoyable last few days. Not too long ago, it was actually warm outside. Now, I'm not sure what temperature now tells my body I'm warm, but I do know that I was outside without my jacket! It was amazing! Oh, these long winter months, I'd forgotten the feeling of the warm sunshine on my skin. A couple friends and I rode our bikes to the river and then just walked around soaking up the warmth. I couldn't stop smiling. Sunshine makes me happy. It was also rather interesting because there was one spot near the river where there had been a small homeless community. There were fort-like structures, mostly collapsed, made out of logs. It actually reminded me a lot of the beach in Oregon that my family visits. When I was a kid, I'd build forts out of driftwood. But these weren't forts to play in, they were homes. It's interesting here because a lot of times I hear about how the Japanese homeless are different. I hear that they didn't really used to exist before the economy crisis, or how some of them prefer homelessness because there are fewer demands and less pressure, or something like that. I'm not sure what I think of this. Maybe it is true. Maybe returning to a simpler way of life is what homelessness can be here, and indeed some prefer to be homeless. Maybe, but I'm not so sure. It is possibly that a small percentage of the homeless just decided one day to be homeless and escape the typical cares of the world, but I have a feeling that the majority did not choose to be homeless. When I saw this deserted community, my heart broke, and what I saw was a connection in humanity. U.S. or Japan, there are the same struggles and the same pain.

Back to happy thoughts, yesterday was some sort of national holiday. I'm not sure what was celebrated; all I know is that I had the day off. It was superb. I slept in a bit, though not so late that I felt I'd wasted my morning, and then I just got some work done for the online class I'm taking. The house was quiet, and the work wasn't too difficult. I then decided it was time to bring back the old coffee shop way; the coffee shop way in which I buy a cup of coffee and then sit at the table for hours with a book or a friend or both and just slow down and relax. The other day I complained to my friend about the lack of coffee shops here and how it was going to be detrimental to my study habits in my class because that is simply how I study, and my friend reminded me that there is a coffee shop/bakery in the department store near our house. So I took my roommate and my book and spent a few hours mostly chatting, little reading actually occurred, in this peaceful place filled with the aroma of fresh bread and coffee. It was delightful. However, the coffee wasn't very good.

The second part of my holiday involved a concert in the city. One of my friends is hugely into music, randomly breaks out into song all the time, songs of various genres mind you, and he told me he was going to a concert with a group of friends. Deciding this sounded like a fun Japanese experience, I didn't even bother to ask what type of music and agreed to go along. Back when I lived in Portland I had a couple friends I used to go to small concerts with. We'd go see the bands that were something unique on their way to becoming cool. The venues were always small, you could usually hang out and talk with the band after if you wanted to, and it was a lot of fun just being in that atmosphere. The concert yesterday was something similar except with a bit of Japanese flair. There were four or five bands, mostly falling under some sort of rock/punk category. The place was small, and terribly smoky, and a lot of fun. There was a band with a singer who'd had a bit too much sake, and a drummer that wasn't wearing normal attire, and there was an all girls punk (I think that would be the way to describe them) band whose lead singer was both hard core and very joyful at the same time who spit her water on everyone. Interesting variety. None of the bands were ones I'd listen to just for the heck of it, but they were great concert bands, providing music sufficient to let yourself get a bit lost in. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy an occasional concert like this.

On a totally different note, I started a class online a couple weeks ago. I've been surprised at my feelings of enjoyment. Last semester was the first semester I've not take a class, since I think I was about five. Being away from academic demands was very good, but also allowed me to realize that I actually do like to have a little structure that forces me to learn and process through information. There is also something to be said for taking a class that I actually have time to really invest in it, not to suggest I'm not still a terrible procrastinator. I've never taken a class that was not accompanied by other classes and all sorts of other business. It's a new experience. This class ought to be particularly interesting because it's a classroom research class. This is also my last class to be done. Woo hoo!

Let's see, some last thoughts. God is pretty much amazing. Blessed...I feel blessed all the time. I also tend to feel confused and uncertain and frustrated and torn, but underlying it all is a feeling of peace and hope and blessing. I have a very faithful God. He takes care of me. Not in the typical American dream style, but I think simply his gift of hope is a way that I'm taken care of. Also, it's been pretty cool being at Grace church and school and being able to invest in the youth of both places and coworkers, church members and friends. Sometimes God allows me insight on someone's life, either through them sharing or just general insight, and this usually leaves me feeling quite humbled. Being someone that somebody else allows in and allows you to carry maybe just a small part of their burden is a kind of gift. I'm so undeserving, not sure what made God allow me to take this role at times. Blessed. I am blessed.

Things you wouldn't know unless you live without central heating...

So many of you know that experiencing a Japanese winter has been a bit shocking for my SoCal acclimated body. Some of my very favorite things right now are my long underwear, my electric blanket, and my blanket sized scarf. I'm not quite sure how Japanese people do this winter after winter without central heating. Hypothetically it makes sense to only heat the room you are in, instead of wasting money heating the rest of the house while you aren't in it, but the implications of this are much more far reaching than you'd think. So I thought I might enlighten you.

When your space heater lives in the living room:
*Toothpaste gets very cold and is much harder to apply to your toothbrush.
*It is unnecessary to worry about putting dinner left overs away quickly for the kitchen is near the same temperature as the refrigerator.
*Motivation to do things such as laundry, involving being in an unheated part of the house for any length of time, is incredibly low.
*It is very difficult to thaw frozen foods by simply setting them out of the fridge.
*Nail polish becomes much thicker as it reaches temperatures near freezing.
*If you wish to ever leave the living room, slippers are essential.
*A heated toilet seat is no longer an awkward feeling, but a necessary one.
*Drinking a truly hot beverage is difficult unless sitting near the heater.
*Money spent on tissues increases due to the constant change between hot and cold between rooms causing a constant drippyness.
*My straightener beeps continuously when initially heating when it does not start at room temp.
*You no longer have to worry about keeping the front door open.
*Getting out of bed in the morning is beyond difficult, but it is very handy to keep a warm throw on top the bed to immediately wrap yourself in.
-I will likely add to this list in the future...

You know, Japan is not really all that cold compared to many places like Illinois or Minnesota, but when you live in the states you drive everywhere, no walking or biking in the frigid cold (a couple days ago I rode my bike while snow was falling to get to Japanese class). Then when you arrive at your destination, you can look forward to walking in the front door into a warm room.

All I wanted was a whiteboard eraser.

A couple days ago I took a trip to the store with my friend Drew. Our classes are in desperate need of new white board erasers and we thought it might be nice to get in a little bike ride as well. So we hopped on our bikes and headed for the home goods store about 25 min away. This store is huge and has a little bit of everything from lumber to puppies. We took our time browsing and then decided we really ought to find the erasers. Upon entering the stationary section we noticed an older Japanese man who walked to the end of the aisle at about the same time we entered it. Moments later this man yelled something down the way. Neither of us were paying too much attention, assuming he was simply yelling for a family member. But the yelling continued and he got a more irritated sound in his voice. After no one had responded to his first few yells he looks directly at Drew and yells something with such intense anger that Drew walks over very close to me and we decide we ought to relocate. So as we walk toward the other end of the aisle he yells again and Drew then tells me, "he thinks we are spies." We both give a nervous laugh and continue to walk away from this crazy man. (You may want to note that no one around us is responding in any way to this scene.) We exit the aisle and start walking left, and the man walks parallel to us and continues his angry yells and accusations of us being spies. So we attempt to lose the man and walk to the back of the store, near the tables that have heaters under them to keep you warm. It appeared that we had lost the crazy man. We spent a couple minutes in the back of the store, in a bit of shock, commenting to each other about the absurdity of the situation. Figuring the crazy man must have moved on to complete his shopping, we move toward the front of the store, constantly looking over our shoulders and peeking around corners as we go. To prove the point that indeed, we are not spies...we were unsuccessful at being inconspicuous and were spotted again by the crazy man who again pointed and yelled in fury. This motivated us to move very quickly back to the back of the store. After cowering by the bedding section for a while we decided we really should attempt an escape and this time were successful at making it to the cashier and exit without being spotted, although we had no erasers in hand. It was quite the interesting visit, being incredibly odd, quite frightening, and also very funny.

This incident did leave me thinking a bit about racism. The last 4 years of my life God has shown me a lot about how racism is still quite present in the states and is ever so present among Christians. I have begun to see how my thought processes were influenced by growing up in a society that really still favors white middle/upper class in many ways. My heart has been opened to see the need for those who follow Christ, to come along side one another and support and encourage those of all races in such a way that truly allows us to be one body of Christ. I have realized that I can not simply not be racist, I must be willing speak against those who are. But there is a part of me that knows that while I can sympathize with my "minority" brothers and sisters, I can never truly empathize. I grew up white in a safe suburban neighborhood with an intact family receiving a middle class income.

When I first got to Japan I heard about how the Japanese love to have tourists, but aren't too keen on more permanent foreigners. They are polite, but not necessarily welcoming. It occurred to me that here I might have opportunities to gain a better understanding of being a minority. Now I imagine it would be quite different if I lived here for 20 years and was still having people treat me like a stupid gaijin (foreigner), but at this point I find myself realizing that I will never truly understand what it is to face systematic and personal racism.

I got stopped on my bike by the police once because I'm white. It was when I had first come to Japan and I was a new foreign face in the neighborhood. But aside from arriving to my destination a few minutes later than if I had not been stopped, I was not really even inconvenienced. The officer was incredibly polite and seemed genuinely curious about who I was and why I was in Japan. The other day I got in line to wait for a train and the girl in front of me (the only other person in line) switched to a different longer line moments after I stood behind her. There was an open seat by me on a fairly crowded train and a couple friends who got on the train clearly had a difficult time deciding who ought to sit by me and who would sit in the seat across the way. I clearly made them feel uncomfortable, and not until I closed me eyes, pretending to doze, becoming a less threatening person, did any of them sit down by me. I got angrily accused of being a spy and no person intervened. But I still will never understand. You see in all these situations, there was no doubt in my mind that I am a valuable person. For 23 years of life my family, friends, classmates, and society have communicated to me that I have worth, I am intelligent, and I am worthy of respect. I have always been taught that I am just as good and capable as any other person. Heck, I grew up in Portland so I was taught that I'm not even limited by being female. So when someone calls me a spy with such an intense anger I don't doubt he may come after me, I never doubt my worth or my significance in the world. It rolls off all the years of positive messages and is left as a funny, yet adrenaline increasing experience in my mind.

I never will really understand. Part of me almost wanted to have this crazy man convince the security guards that I was a danger, so that I would be unjustly taken in and then treated unfairly etc etc so that maybe I could taste a bit of what it is to live out being discriminated against because of my race, but then again, that would have been incredibly scary and I'm very very grateful that was not the ending, and even then I'm not sure I would have understood what it is to live under racism daily. I never will be able to understand. Even when people treat me as a stupid foreigner it's something like, "oh wow... she can use chopsticks? how did she ever acquire such a difficult Japanese skill?" I don't know what it is to have to prove myself when applying for a job simply because I'm black. I don't know what it is to have people accuse me of being an illegal immigrant and taking American's jobs, because I am Latina. I don't know what it is to have someone call me names and tell me I'm a horrible criminal because I'm Latina and my family chose to escape the poverty or maybe even war in a native country and come to America. I don't know what it is to be the nameless "other" on the survey box as an Asian, or to have people assume my intelligence or interests based on my race. I don't know what it is to have police or FBI frequent my restaurant, "checking in" because my family is Middle Eastern. I will never understand. I want to be a voice of compassion, reconciliation, change, unity....but I am the face of those who persecute and I grew up being the favored "majority." I will never really understand, and I can't blame the minorities for fearing to place their trust in me.

2 more pictures :)

These people very quickly became my family. This is the international group from church.

Pounding mochi. mmmm....

More Hamamatsu Pictures

Pastor had the various small groups stand in front of the congregations and dance and sing the Japanese version of Father Abraham. It was so funny, but also a cool picture of freedom.

New Years sports day on the mountain. The guys of the losing team had to go in the icy cold pond.

The Japanese style hotel room. The futons were in the closet.

Fun dolphin show at the Nagoya aquarium.

Shion, Josh, and I.

Some pictures for Hamamatsu and Nagoya

Shion's family took us to dinner. One of many delicious and very very filling dinners. Shion's dad is sitting on the right side and he is the pastor at the Hamamatsu church.

I am wearing a name tag with my name in Katakana.

These kids are playing rock-paper-scissors. It's very popular in Japan among all ages and is used for making various decisions, such as which small group has to do the dishes after dinner.

This is one of the many Christmas parties I attended. Pastor Tetsu dressed up as Santa, the slimmest most Asian looking Santa I've ever seen.

Holidays in Hamamatsu

So a month or so after I arrived in Japan I realized that the environment I'm in isn't really conducive to really learning Japanese. I speak English all day with my students, many of the church members speak English, and my housemates speak English. I realized that I'd need to be in a different setting to really be immersed in Japanese. So when my friend Drew told me about a church he'd been connected with in Japan that had some cool stuff going on and was very culturally Japanese and filled with mostly Japanese speakers I decided that I wanted to spend some time there to get immersed in things Japanese. I ended up spending a large part of winter break at this church in Hamamatsu. After two and a half weeks as a part of the Hamamatsu church family I am now back at my house. My time in Hamamatsu was so much more than I had expected and has left me feeling unable to express how deeply it impacted me.

All I had really wanted was a place to listen to Japanese and a place to be during the holidays so that it wouldn't feel so lame being away from my family, but what I got was graciously welcomed into a church body that is so full of life and joy. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I will just try to give some little snipits from my time, though I doubt it will do it justice.

My friend Josh and I both went to try to learn some more Japanese. We were greeted by Drew’s friend Shion, the son of the pastor of the Hamamatsu church. While we were there we actually spent time at two churches, one in Hamamatsu and one in Nagoya. When we were in Nagoya we helped Shion with English classes he teaches, and we participated in the Christmas party for the English students. This was one of I think 5 Christmas parties we attended while there. While we were at the other church we participated with the international people small group, and we basically helped out wherever they needed help. We also spent 4 days at a New Years camp with the church.

Some highlights from my time with the church:

*I love mochi and while I was there I got to help make mochi. You have to pound the hot mochi rice and then make it into little balls. It was so fun and later, I think it was on New Years, we had a mochi lunch with all different kinds of mochi.

*Shion showed us around Nagoya and we went to the aquarium and saw a dolphin show. This was followed by a little shopping and then a short break in a coffee shop. The coffee was delicious, but the best part was just sitting down with a couple friends, enjoying good conversation over a nice cup of coffee. They don’t really have coffee shops in the area I live, and this was a treat.

*I stayed in a very Japanese style hotel for New Years camp. The room I was in I shared with 5 other ladies and it was a big tatami room (the rooms with the grass mats).

*I was given Japanese citrus fruit from the Nagoya pastor and his wife and told to put them in my bath. I was told, mostly through charades and a little translation from Shion that I am to fill the bath at 44 degrees Celsius, crush the fruits in the bath and make sure to splash it on my face as well so that my skin can still be so beautiful when I am 90 as the pastor’s mothers skin. He was poking her face at this point to show me how beautiful it is. So I took a hot relaxing, citrus fragranced bath.

*I got to talk with people from Japan, Brazil, the Philippines, Peru/New Zealand, and China. We did church together and as a people from various nations and languages, we praised Jesus together in Japanese.

*God blessed me with my own room and a western style bed to fall into at the end of the day.

*Many of the church members gather every morning at 5:30 to pray together. Many of the days I went out of a feeling of obligation, but I was always really glad I was there and it was a great way to start the busy days.

*I ate an unbelievable amount of really delicious Japanese food. I tried nato and fish eyes, and about every other imaginable Japanese dish. I was in a constant state of fullness.

My favorite part of the trip was being welcomed into the church family. During the last morning prayer meeting the pastor called us up to have us share a little with the group, and to pray for us. He then told us that we were to consider that church our home base in Japan and told us that we always were welcome to come visit whenever we had a chance.

The church is so full of life, passion, and joy, and I felt myself being refreshed as I lived in that environment. The pastor had been spending time teaching about humility and how we need to be willing to tear our hearts, tear the old wine skin, so that we can receive the new wine skin, the blessings. I saw a group of people who had faith that indeed it would be better if they humbled themselves. In a shame-based culture, where people usually do what they can to avoid bringing any shame to themselves or their families, people were standing before the church repenting and exposing their weaknesses and mistakes. Men were standing up and weeping before their church family apologizing to their wives for becoming so hardhearted after loosing their jobs. It was so incredible to be a part of and I felt overwhelmed that I was allowed in. It’s hard enough to stand before those you know, but I was welcomed in as family. I was not treated as a visit, I was engaged and loved.

There were a number of times when I felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord. Before I came to Japan, as I was trying to decide if I should actually come, there came a moment when I realized that there was nothing holding me back except fear. I was even totally aware of what I was afraid of, but I was able to say I was coming when I felt they Lord was telling me he would provide, financially, relationally, etc. He has been so faithful, and I realize that spending the Holidays in Hamamatsu was a part of that. I don’t think I even realized how much I was in need of being refreshed and revived, but I did and that was how God provided. He put me in a place where I was praying every morning; where I was witnesses people being free from shame, and sin, and fear; where I felt very genuinely cared about and loved; where I got to feel completely excited about the work that God is doing in that church.

I enjoyed talking with Emasan and receiving hugs from her. I loved that when her husband spoke of the troubles they’d faced the last year and apologized to her and the church, the Lord was gracious to me and allowed me to sit next to a woman I’d only known for two weeks and put my arm around her and share in the moment. I enjoyed the 1 ½ long car rides from Hamamatsu to Nagoya where I got to talk with Shion and hear about how the Lord has taught him as he’s lived in the US and returned to Japan, and hear about the cool stuff the church is doing. There is always something happening at the church. There are people that live at the church that were once homeless and now have come to know Christ. They have been given back a sense of dignity and are serving the Lord. There are people who work in the mornings but then attend Bible classes at the church every afternoon. Every week the church members seek to bring church to those who can’t or wont attend on Sundays and they go out into homes reaching nearly 1000 people who wouldn’t be connected to the church otherwise.

I know that I have done a poor job at given a good representation of my time in Hamamatsu. Much is left out, and some probably doesn’t really make sense, but I was so blessed to be there, and am so thankful. God is so very good.

A few last thoughts. Being away from what has become normal life in Tokyo I had the chance to reflect a bit. I realized that I still don’t know exactly why the Lord has me in Japan, but at least a part of it has to do with people, and putting various people in my life, and me in theirs. I want to be careful that I honor that purpose and am intentionally showing Christ to those I’m with. God also reminded me of what he’s given me passion for and I think he’s giving me direction about where he wants me next year, and partly what he wants me doing.

Please pray with me that God would continue to guide me. That he would give me strength and motivation to make the best of this year. Pray that I would have vision for what God is setting before me for next year.

I also have been very burdened to be praying for an organization my friends are a part of in California. I’d love it if you’d partner with me to pray for Solidarity (solidarityrising.org). The organization is committed to living out Christ in a community that Christians often shy away from. Within a community dealing with gangs, violence, poverty, and broken homes, they are seeking to practically show Christ’s love. Pray for them, that the Lord gives them strength and favor to continue doing His work.