quick update

I came here to write about a little epiphany I had. I looked at the blog and realized I haven't written in over a year! To me that's a clear picture of how quickly time passes, and reminds me of how very much had happened in the last year. I won't go back to fill in all the details or share all the lessons learned, there is simply far too much. Not to mention, some of the reasons why I didn't write before are the same as why I won't now, too much, too complicated, too difficult, still processing and unable to articulate... Maybe some day I will be able to share all the lessons learned in the last year but right I will give you a wee little nutshell of what's gone on.

First and most importantly, I am finishing the adoptions process for Micah. As of June 23rd I will officially be his mom for forever! I am very excited about this. It has been a journey like no other and this is not the end of it :) That is both an exciting fact and a bit daunting, but I'll focus on the exciting part and trust that God will continue to take care of us just as He has been doing. Hmm, I will leave it at that. There is so much more to this part of my life, and such much more to this journey, but for now I will leave it unsaid.

Also, in the last year my friends and I started a Bible Study/Church plant. We have seen God do amazing things and it has also been extremely challenging. That seems to be how life goes.

God has been teaching me about being real with Him, about trust, about desire and trusting Him with it, about rest, about family, about seeking to please Him and releasing trying to please others...the list goes on and on and on.

Now that you have a little update on my life, I will continue on with why I came here in the first place and share about some immediate things God has been showing me.

Let's be honest

Considering how much we tell our kids the importance of honesty and how the Bible teaches that we shouldn't lie, the body of Christ doesn't always do the best job of being honest. I don't believe that it's an intentional thing, but also not terribly surprising considering the Bible also tells us that our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9). However, we gotta get honest if we want God's power fully working in us.

I've always thought the concept of lying to God is stupid since He already knows everything. Problem is, I don't always realize what I'm doing. I have a strong conviction about the power of our words. There are things that I absolutely refuse to declare over myself. For example, I will not say, "I always get sick," (which I honestly don't), but if I have a cold, I'm lying to say, I'm perfectly healthy right now. Gotta admit I have a problem I need the Lord's power to overcome.

There are things I want to do and want to be. I want to be bold, I want to care more about other people than my own comfort, but I can't force myself to become those things if they aren't what I already am. If I could, I wouldn't need God. All I have to offer God is who I am at this very second, and praise God, He says that's enough through Jesus' blood. What kind of fool am I to come before God and say, Lord here I am strong and ready to take on the world and bring Your kingdom, if the truth is, I am weak and desperately want to win the world for Jesus, but don't know how to muster up the courage and strength to do it. If I won't admit I'm weak, I don't leave room for God to pour out His strength on me. He tells me His strength is made perfect in weakness, but how often am I willing to actually offer my weakness to Him?

I was listening to a message, or maybe reading my Bible, I don't remember...something about Jesus, and God put this phrase in my spirit, "Let God have your foolish things." I don't like to be foolish, or admit that I'm foolish, but God says He'll use the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. Problem is, it takes humility, and humans just have a hard time with that. Paul says, "And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom." (1 Cor 2:1). If I were Paul and God told me to go preach to these people and I knew I didn't have eloquent speech, I would probably want to go get some lessons or something before tackling the task. But God doesn't need prepared, super wise or skilled people, He needs willing people cause all that stuff He already has to offer us and can do it much better than we can. (That is not to say we shouldn't do things to be prepared etc., but we should not depend on our ability to do those things, we should depend on God to use our willing selves.)

So I've been working on being honest with God. I've been working on offer God my foolish things so He can take them and shame the wise. Quite simply I have nothing I am able to offer God other than who I am right now, with all the weaknesses I have, and all the strengths and skills He's given me. Offering God a fake me, that I think is more desirable, is dumb.

Here's me God. Here's my half compassionate self that I wish were more compassionate  take it, transform it, use it. Here's my partly bold unafraid self, take it, transform it, fill it with your never-ending love make it more courageous, use it. Here's my mostly selfish self that wants to be Godish, transform it, use it....the list goes on. I can only offer him what I have and what I have is not yet complete, but He promised he'd continue the work to completion :)

Right Perspective

This morning I woke up to be with the Lord. I cozied myself into a blanket in a our chilly sun room and was singing. I don't know about you, but I often come across things in my life where there's nothing I can do to change a situation or address a problem and in that regard I started singing "Jesus, I call on Jesus, name above all names, holiest one. Emanuel, God is with us, blessed redeemer, holiest one." God often speaks to me in song, but this one I was declaring. I was recognizing who my God is and the power in His name. Then He spoke. I started singing another song that I haven't heard or sang in a long time. "God is bigger than the air I breath, the world we'll leave. God will save save the day, and all will say my glorious, my glorious. And all You ever do is change the old to new..." He interrupted my cry to Him and said, "Sara, do you really know who you are calling on?"

I know I have a good God. I'm confident of His love. I'm confident of His care for me, and I see miracles on a regular basis, but even so I call out to Him with this thought of, I know this is hard God (this situation etc.), but you're God so you can figure something out. He's GOD. My situation may look challenging and it may seem like a solution will be hard to come up with, but He's GOD. For Him it is EASY. I am calling on the God that created the world. Out of a void, He made not only a something, He made a perfectly designed world complete with a vast variety of living creatures on it. Out of the DUST he formed a HUMAN. Regardless of what my situation, issue, feeling, brokenness, relational issue, financial state...He is GOD. For Him it's easy. He doesn't have to labor over plans and strategies, to God it is simple. He knows exactly what to do. "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Rom 8:31

He heard you already

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" Matt 7:11

I've read this. I've contemplated it. God's given me some understanding of it and then I got a little guy to help me really get it. 

There have been a few times when I've asked God for something and then asked Him again and then again and then He told me to quit asking cause He's already on it and I need to trust Him. So when you're three, your favorite thing to do is ask questions. Lately, my little guy will ask for something, which I will tell him I'm getting, and then he will ask me over and over and over and over from the time it takes me to get that item and bring it to him until it is right before his eyes. I find myself now responding to his continual questions by asking him, "Did you ask me that already?" "yes" "Did I say I would do that?" "yes" "Do you think I am going to do that?" "yes" "Ok, then you probably don't have to ask me anymore, because you're right I will do that for you, it just takes me a minute." On a screen that could be read in a condescending way which is not how it goes, just a conversation, but as I hear myself remind him over and over that I am going to do what he asked and he really doesn't need to keep asking, I thought about me and God. I do what my little guy does all the time to God. "Hey God! Are you going to do it? You going to do it? You going to do it? You going to do it?" And already He told me yes. I can relax and rest in Him cause He's trustworthy. He WILL do what He said. Hm. I can enjoy where He has me and know there is so much more He's said is to come to pass in my life. In the same way when sweet boy has asked me for a glass of juice, he can relax and enjoy his food while I get it, instead of checking in on the status of his juice ever two seconds. 

God is as trustworthy as they come. If He said it, He will do it. 

One day I woke up a mom...

So a few months ago I gained a precious three year old boy. That's a story for a different post, you are welcome to ask if you want to know more about that, but what I'm really writing about is this one time Jesus reminded me that He loves me with a little lump of poo.

Earlier today I went to get him out of my roommates room to have him have some potty time. We're  potty training so we're in the "sit on the potty all day long" stage where we spend time sitting on the super awesome, colorful, music playing potty to practice putting our pee pee in there. Clearly when I say we what I really mean, is him. He practices. I'm already quite adept at using the potty. I put my pee in there and I put my poo poo in there and sometimes when I come out he asks me which one. Anyway, the timer went off and I went to get him. He happened to be playing cars with my roommate and didn't like the idea of interrupting his play time, so decided that chucking a match box car across the room as hard as he could was a better idea. I happened to disagree which landed him in time out. Now I felt that throwing a car was an unreasonable response and it happened to make me quite frustrated. So we talked, he said he was sorry and we moved to the potty. As he sat on the potty I was having a conversation in my mind about how I have to be quick to let things go, but how really I'm still frustrated. Not so much that he threw the car, it happens, but that he's learning appropriate responses to things and these types of responses still happen more often then I like. So as I wait thinking about how I need to not be frustrated, he poos. First time in the potty. Unless you've potty trained a kid, you probably don't realize how very very exciting a little poo in the potty is. God is gracious to me. As I tried to not be frustrated it all faded when God had my little guy drop a gift in the potty.

You can look forward to more adventures into motherhood with a three year old...Tis the season.

Walking as a Woman

I wrote a while back that I'd take you on a journey with me to discover what it is to be a woman of God. I didn't exactly take you on my journey. This is partly because the time to write just hasn't been there, but partly because the way God does things are different then I tend to expect.

I'd sensed from the Lord that this time around I wasn't supposed to avoid figuring out what is really menas to be a woman. I assumed that meant He'd involve me a lot in the process of revealing it to me. So I obediently have been asking God to give me revelation, been looking in the Scriptures, been seeking out Godly women, and God's been showing me things. All of a sudden I'd be reading my Bible and God would show me things about women. I read about Samson and Delilah and was struck by the influence a woman can have and realized that while Delilah used it in a corrupt way, if that same influence was used to build up a man and spur him on toward what God has for him, it'd be super powerful. I read 2 John and realized it was written to an elect woman of the church. All sorts of stuff is being revealed to me, but I'd been trekking along on the journey, trusting God is transforming me, and then I have a conversation and become aware that I thoroughly consider myself a woman.

I sat with my friend talking about how we tend to consider certain milestones entrance into adulthood and she was considering this in her own life. As we talked I started to realized that I was viewing our conversation through the lenses of someone who considers herself no longer a girl but a woman. I smiled to myself at the realization because God is so good, I hadn't even realized He'd done it.

It wasn't a certain verse I read. It wasn't revelation about what it means to be a woman and realizing I fit into it. My view of myself as a woman was solidified when I recognized what God is calling me to. I have an assignment that can't be completed by a girl. I have a responsibility that only a woman can carry. The things God is calling me to forces me to walk as a women, and the cool thing about it, is that if the assignment is given by God that means that He's saying, little girl, the time has come, walk as the woman I say you are. When I agreed to walk in the assignment, without realizing it, I was also setting aside the girl in me and fully embracing the woman God has risen up in me. I wish I had better words to explain the gravity of this and how awesome it is.

I watched the movie 300 not that long ago. Not normally a movie I'd watch, but my friend was telling me the spiritual implications they saw in it and I wanted to see for myself. Connecting the concept of Spartans to the army of God is a little bit nuts and really pretty eye opening. The elements of unity and focus are impactful. Something I've considered a lot after watching though, was the woman that the queen was. Her strength. Her priorities. Her prominence. Her job could not be done by a girl, she has to walk as a woman, there's no room or time to be a girl. Too much was at stake and her role was too important. That's kind of how I feel. It's a privilege really. We've been given assignments by the Lord. He's entrusted us and He declares we are able and makes us sufficient for the task.

The life God has called me to, and the season He has me in, is one where there is no room for playing around (I am not saying it's not fun or exciting. God has set me free and it's fantastic, not to mention God's way is exciting, exhilarating, and full of joy). Here there is no room for trying out my own stuff. There is no room for compromise. If I want to see the fullness of God, if I want to fulfill the assignment, if I want to live the abundant life, it's all about doing exactly what God says and literally letting Him direct every step. God is so incredibly faithful!

It's time to be a woman

For some time now I've had an aversion to doily coated women's meetings. I've never wanted to sit with a group of women sipping tea, painting my nails, and talking about shopping and homemaking. The roots of my aversion are varied, everything from feeling it to be surface level, to not feeling like I have common interests in these settings, to the unspoken feminist messages Portland fed me growing up. After twenty six and a half years of being content avoiding these events and discussions, being satisfied simply knowing I am His and my main role in life to to bring glory and honor to God, He has invited me on a journey that involves learning my role specifically as a woman of God.

In the past when I'd come up against an idea about a female's role, I would become frustrated hearing everyone's differing opinions on the topic, and in the end I would settle on, I don't care, I just know I'm His and I will do what He tells me. However, this time I'm confronted with the concept that men and women are not only different, but have different roles and the Lord is asking me to let Him tell me what that means and how He designed it. So I'm holding onto Him with white knuckles, bracing myself to have a paradigm shift. Already He's confronted some deep rooted issues I didn't even realize I had in me.

As I'm beginning this journey I began to pay attention to the ladies around me and I began to do some reading. What I've found so far is that most woman think they know what it means to be a woman (like I have thought myself) when in reality, few of us can articulate it or back it up with depth of scripture. Society, including Christian culture, has just told us things that we've unknowingly sucked in and accepted.

So I thought I would take you on this journey with me as I'm certain is will be at least a little life changing for me and I'm confident the Lord will reveal things. To start off let's just throw out some things I'm quite certain about and looking forward to gaining more revelation on.
 1. There is something about a woman's strength that is different than a man's and has a different purpose.
 2. God desires a gentleness and meekness in a woman that brings a certain kind of power and transformation.
 3. Something about what God's innately put in woman that allows them to mother.
 4. some other stuff that isn't coming to mind at the moment.

Second, God's already confronted some things in me that I didn't realize were there. So let's take a little look at some of the messages I was fed from a feminist society in the city I grew up in.
 1. Women can and should do anything a man can do.
 2. To desire only to be married and have a family is weak and demeans women, as women are capable of anything men are capable of.
 3. Women should be able to think like a man, and should not be overly emotional.
 4. Women and men do not have different roles based on their gender, they lead lives differently only because they are unique individuals.
 5. Women are strong.
 6. I'm sure there are way more but those are some that come to mind right off hand.

Now understand that I grew up in a godly home with parents that have a good marriage. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I and I have always regarded her as someone who is incredibly intelligent and capable. I never questioned the decision for her to be home raising my brother and I. I also see her as an incredibly influential woman. She has impacted, to a very great degree, a huge number of lives from relatives, to neighbors, to church goers, to friends, to people she pretty much just picked up off the street.

However, despite these things I have come to realize that there are lies deeply rooted in me that I haven't even realized were there. For example, the lie that woman are just as strong as men in the same way men are strong. Being told I couldn't do something because I was too weak was incredibly offensive to me. So I heard a godly women comment about her being the weaker one in her marriage and found myself completely taken back. She wasn't saying this in a way to devalue herself in any way. (Now realize I believe woman have strength, but it's different than a man's strength). So I began to question my strong reaction to the comment. Why am I offended when a man or woman suggests I shouldn't carry a heavy box because I'm a woman? I started to look at the facts. I'm five feet tall. My thigh is about the thickness of some men's biceps. Even a small man is generally quite a bit bigger than me. Hmm. It seems that I am "weaker." And yet it is SO hard for me to accept. When I come to something that I find hard to accept I tend to default to, well I just need to let the Lord speak to me (generally a very good default). But I was horrified as I realized how deeply rooted this lie was as I asked myself, what if God tells me that women are weaker, can I receive this from the Lord. Oh have mercy on me Lord. It took a process of me receiving God's grace to receive what He wants to tell me, to be ok with accepting this. Even now I'm not yet to a point where I won't have to remind myself to not be offended if a guy graciously tells me not to carry the heavy box. I share this particular example because it is one that I find most ridiculous when I really think about it. It shouldn't be hard for me to accept that my five foot self is naturally not as strong as most men. (The problem is that society had connected the lie to a lie about value and worth...but I won't go into that at the moment.)

Despite how obnoxious it is to realize the stupid lies that I hadn't realized infiltrated my life, I'm excited to let the Lord teach me about being a godly woman. Because in much lesser extremes, I see that most Christian woman have excepted things from society that weren't from God. I want to be confident in who God says I am, and I want to be open to whatever that is. You see I'm excited because I've had a taste of the freedom that comes with knowing the role that God has created for you and only having to worry about fulfilling that role instead of trying to fulfill all sorts of roles that others try to put on you. I've seen this play out in other areas of my life, but I've even had a chance to taste it in being a woman.

 While I was in Japan I had a southern guy friend. As I got to know him I immediately realized that his perception of men and women was different, and he was treating me out of his understanding of who men and women are. I took it as a cultural difference, and after fighting my feminist inclinations initially in our friendship, I began to just let it be his culture and go with it. I didn't take offense when he told me to carry the light box because I wasn't that strong. He used those words, but somehow they rolled off because I deemed them cultural, but really more so because I knew that in his mind they made me no less valuable or capable.

 In retrospect I found a lot of freedom in that friendship because I was not expected to be a man, or understand a man, or fend for myself because I'm just as capable as a man and don't need a man. I was free to have emotions. I was free to let myself be looked out for and have the heavy objects carried for me. I was free to not try to prove myself just as valuable and capable. There were defined differences, that were simply differences and suggested nothing about my worth or ability. I don't know how to explain the freedom that this brought. Because I just received it as a culture difference to accept, I was able to experience a taste of the freedom that comes from understanding what my role is.

 So now I journey with the Lord to let Him reveal to me who He has created me to be. I let Him give me my value and worth based on who He is and what He's given me, not based on me at all. I let Him show me the lies the have seeped in unknowingly and be set free by His truth. Should be a fun journey.