Random Ruminations

Lately one word to sum up my emotional state would probably be confused. Questions like, "Why does God have me here?" "How much time does God desire I spend on learning Japanese and ministering to those in the community, and how much am I to devote to my students and the church and ministering to them?" "What is my role as a woman in the church?" "How can I best honor God in the relationships I have formed here?" have been swirling in my mind for weeks, and there came a point a few days ago when they just felt heavy.

Really I'm a bit of a hypocrite. I always am telling people not to worry, but simply to live following what you do know about what Jesus has called you to. I believe that in Christ there is freedom and I desire for others to realize that, really really realize what that means. But somehow I lost sight of that. I allowed myself to get weighed down by worry that I'm not doing or understanding what Christ has called me to. Part of me still knew that really I just need to trust that as I seek to follow God he will lead, but there was something in me that was telling me I needed to figure it out and that if I didn't I might miss what God is calling me to.

So yesterday I decided to email a professor I had while I was at Biola. One of the things that was holding my thoughts so tightly was this idea that as a women, I needed to figure out what my role was in the church. What do those verses really mean that talk about women in the church? So I email this professor knowing that he studies the Bible in such depth, and really seeks to understand what it means within the context it was written. So I emailed and asked his thoughts. I really kind of thought he would give some sort of really conservative Christian answer, but what he said to me was, that the most important label we have is "Servant of God." That is how we are to live. We are to use the gifts God gave us in whatever way God asks us. The rest falls to the side. I really needed to be reminded of this. We love to label things, and put people in boxes, but that's not how God works.

My current goal, is to stop worrying and just to live as a Servant of God each day.