When I was 17, I remember being on the plane flying back to the U.S. from London after a summer long mission with Royal Servants. I sat next to one of my teammates and told them that I didn't ever want to become complacent. I feared settling into the typical American lifestyle and just getting comfortable, unwilling to follow God into the unknown or risky. At the time, I didn't have a clue the journey God would take me on out of my desire to follow Him. That's not to say it's been easy. Each time God directs or redirects, my faith grows as I see His faithfulness yet again, but there is certainly a laying down of one's own will in the midst of it.
I've been wanting to write about what God's taught me about obedience for some time now, but it is so deep in my heart I find it really difficult to articulate in anyway that makes sense outside of my own head. I'm quite confident that one of the greatest gifts that God gave me when I was in Japan, was teaching me that there is freedom in obedience. Freedom. I had had no idea. I always assumed that obedience felt like bondage.
This lesson took a year of experiences that were lessons in dying to myself. (And they continue still.) It sounds painful. It is. The thing is, though, that when Jesus said that we must die to ourselves to be alive in Him, He meant it. I thought being alive in myself was good enough, but it turns out, being alive in Christ is unexplainably better.
We never know what the future holds. The idea that I can plan a better life, or even day rather than letting the all-knowing God plan it for me is really quite silly. You see, if I believe that my God loves me and He knows the beginning to the end, past, present, and future, then it would only make sense that I'd follow His direction instead of my own. When I obey the things He tells me to do, I never have to worry. This isn't because things aren't hard or challenging, it's simply because if my loving God told me to do it, it is therefore better than any alternative thing I could have done. He knows everything and has my best in mind. I can know that even if what I am going through is really difficult, there is something about it that is better for me or those around me than if I had done something else. I don't have this guarantee if I try to follow my own way.
Hmm, this is frustrating...I genuinely don't know how to explain the things God has put in my heart about this all. Maybe I can give you an example. I guess I can start with that which God used to really start teaching this to me.
Three years ago I moved to Japan. None of it made sense. I'd never considered even visiting Japan, I thought I wanted to teach in a secular urban setting but really was questioning if I wanted to teach at all, and I would be working at a tiny private Christian school. I knew no one there. I wouldn't be making much money. Etc. etc. The only thing I knew was that something in my spirit felt that God was telling me to move to Japan. It was simply a matter of obedience (not to say there wasn't a part of me that was excited for an adventure). So I obeyed. I couldn't see how any part of it connected to the other passions God had put in my heart. What I knew was that if God said it, it was better than the plans I could've made. Turns out the year allowed me space to rest, provided friendships that were of a caliber that completely transformed the way I view friendships and relationships, and provided space to be with God in a way that I hadn't made time or space to do in the past. I didn't even know I needed those things before I left, and hardly recognized them happening while I was there, but they have changed the rest of my life. I don't do life the same any more. They were preparation for all the other things God has for me.
As I was in Japan I rested in the confidence that God brought me there and didn't try to figure out the whys. That's part of the freedom of obedience to God. If I plan, I have to figure out why I'm doing each thing, but if I follow what God's said, I can simply trust His instruction, goodness, and faithfulness.
One more example and then I'll just trust that whatever it was you were supposed to grasp as you read this, you did.
While I was in Japan I had a friendship that was unique. Just the way it all turned out, my friend and I both recognized that we needed to only be friends to the capacity God instructed. It was one of the most impactful friendships I've ever had. I knew that I had to hold onto it loosely and allow God to direct however He wished because there was too great a possibility of me messing things up if I tried to take control or hold on too tightly. I didn't trust myself with it. The cool thing was that because I sought God in it, I was free to be friends in the way God directed and not worry about anything because I know God is trustworthy. It also allowed for the friendship to be seasonal (this is something else God's taught me about throughout my life as He's shown me that often He places people in our lives for seasons for specific reasons and it's ok that they are only seasonal). It allowed me to not grieve when I moved back to the States, and let the friendship dissolve in many ways as I felt God told me it was seasonal (not to say we don't stay in touch a bit, but it's much different from when I was in Japan). I was and am free because God has shown me that He is trustworthy and when I obey Him I have nothing to worry about. He loves me so much.
I hope that made a little sense. Dying to myself is hard. When I was in Japan my journal was filled with entries where I'd note something "a lesson in dying to myself." God constantly asked to have things that I wanted to hold onto and asked me to just trust Him. Every single time I obeyed, He was faithful. It get's a little easier to trust after seeing so many times of faithfulness, but it's taken a lot of initial risk to find out my God really is as faithful as the Bible promises.
